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Forum nameGeneral Discussion
Topic subjectis it wrong to try to force a friendship w/ someone you know wants
Topic URLhttp://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=4&topic_id=12663785
12663785, is it wrong to try to force a friendship w/ someone you know wants
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 12:42 PM
more from you?
scenario: the two of you have fantastic conversations and get along well but one party has made it pretty clear that they want your chonies and you have made it pretty clear that's not happening, but you still wanna hang out cause y'all have fun together. is that wrong or mean? is it an unintentional set up? should i just leave him alone?
12663790, So, basically you want to put a dude into the friendzone?
Posted by 8-bit, Mon Dec-01-14 12:46 PM
Actually, it is ok. It's dude's fault if he gets all hurt and doesn't K.I.M. once he see what time it is.
12663794, but we have GRRREAT conversations and always have a good
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 12:48 PM
time together. I am a good friend to have, man! lol
for real tho, i am. why it gotta be all or nothing?
12663838, The main problem is TIME.
Posted by 8-bit, Mon Dec-01-14 01:01 PM
>time together. I am a good friend to have, man! lol
>for real tho, i am. why it gotta be all or nothing?

If dude's single and looking, then he probably won't have time for multiple women, even as friends. He's gonna have to decide on which women get his attention, and most-likely it will be the woman that's showing him romantic interest.

Nothing wrong with being just friends, but be warned: If he's like me then he'll start hollering at other women while he's out with you. That time thing... gotta be efficient.
12663845, and i wouldn't be mad at him at all
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:02 PM
holler away. i'm a good wing woman too
12663798, it's selfish i'd say
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 12:50 PM
but like the other reply mentioned onus is more on dude to realize it ain't gonna happen and keep it movin.
12663799, if you all are friends, you are friends.
Posted by Joe Corn Mo, Mon Dec-01-14 12:51 PM
if the fact that he has (or had) romantic feelings for you
is weirding either of you out to the point where the
friendship won't work, then one of you two should end it.

if not, make it do what it do.

12663809, it hasn't gotten to that point yet.
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 12:53 PM
i had to check him twice but since then everything seems to be okay.
12663800, just dont be mad at the hail mary/habitual line stepping
Posted by Riot, Mon Dec-01-14 12:51 PM
making it "perfectly clear" yet still hanging out
or worse, letting dude spend money on u

means he just waiting for that mixed signal opportunity to present itself


and sometimes it works



and and, sometimes it turns into a full-fledged 'its complicated'
12663801, Lol come on yo. You know its fucked up.
Posted by Brotha Sun, Mon Dec-01-14 12:51 PM
He knows its fucked up.

I'll tell you the same thing I'd tell a nigga asking "is it wrong if we stay fuck buddies if she wants a relationship?", just enjoy each other until it eventually falls apart. *shrug*


12663816, RE: Lol come on yo. You know its fucked up.
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 12:55 PM
hrmm...but friendship and fuck buddy are in no way the same.
12663830, you still want to fit a square peg in a round hole tho
Posted by BabySoulRebel, Mon Dec-01-14 12:59 PM
there is a party who wants more than the other is willing to give in both scenarios
in that sense I would say it's the same
12663851, most men want to fuck tho, lol.
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:04 PM
i'm doing whats in my best interest and he should do the same, imo. and if he's smart he'll see that being friends with me is a great move :)
12663866, and?
Posted by BabySoulRebel, Mon Dec-01-14 01:08 PM
ALL straight men would fuck if given the shot
that doesn't excuse you from keeping him hanging on a string
I wouldn't want to be friends with any man who was sticking around mainly just to see if I crack the dick-in-a-glass box at any point to begin with now that I'm 30. I'm too lazy now to keep up any charades.
12663876, RE: and?
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:11 PM
>that doesn't excuse you from keeping him hanging on a string

that's not my intention. i've made myself clear that it's not happening.
i'm not trying to lead him on and i've said as much.

>I wouldn't want to be friends with any man who was sticking
>around mainly just to see if I crack the dick-in-a-glass box

me either, hence this post. i value yalls opinions. thx :)

>at any point to begin with now that I'm 30. I'm too lazy now
>to keep up any charades.

right, aint nobody got time for that
12663940, Oh okay. Good luck.
Posted by Brotha Sun, Mon Dec-01-14 01:35 PM
12663970, thanks, lol
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:51 PM
12663804, Yes and many, many women are guilty.
Posted by RaFromQueens, Mon Dec-01-14 12:51 PM
I don't know how they can do that.
12663810, people like attention
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 12:54 PM
12663828, I don't need attention. I like his company and conversation.
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 12:58 PM
12663855, of course you do. he really is offering his best material
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:05 PM
in hopes you'd come around.


fuck this post.
12663856, so you like HIS attention
Posted by ThaAnthology, Mon Dec-01-14 01:05 PM
12663867, nope, lol. i like our intellectual conversations. seriously. if i liked
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:08 PM
his "attention" he wouldn't be in the friend zone. i'm not insecure, i don't need attention. i really truly just like his friendship a lot
12663882, I believe you
Posted by T Reynolds, Mon Dec-01-14 01:13 PM
12663887, thank you, trey
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:15 PM
12663860, now you lying to yourself
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 01:07 PM
12663823, so i should cut him off?
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 12:58 PM
12664301, Ask yourself why he's coming around
Posted by RaFromQueens, Mon Dec-01-14 05:55 PM
then ask yourself whether it's important to you to be a good person or not.
12663811, Why?
Posted by BabyYoda, Mon Dec-01-14 12:54 PM
Why would you want to force anyone to do anything? If you made it clear that someone can only be platonic friends with you then he needs to respect your decision and either be platonic friends with you or leave you alone and find someone who is willing to be romantic with him.

I get wanting to be platonic friends with someone as well as liking said person's company, but if you know that this guy will press you to be more than friends, then you may need to fall back and leave him alone. I think you both can not be platonic friends ends unless the both of you agree to be platonic friends. Otherwise, there will be some conflict, even if it is subtle with no arguments.
12663813, yeah it's wrong and it's on the other person to see it
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 12:54 PM
and to cut you off.

12663831, but damn, i'm not using him. i'm being a cool ass friend. why i
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 12:59 PM
gotta fuck?
12663877, you don't.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 01:11 PM
i dunno this guy or y'all's situation other than what i've read.

the story in the OP reminds me of situations i've been in - and i've been on both sides of this issue. in my experience the party who wants the romantic relationship doesn't get over that desire for romance. and if they agree to be a friend the agreement is premised on their lingering desire for a romantic relationship. their 'friendship' isn't true friendship - they're acting as a 'friend' hoping that the uninterested party will change their mind about the romance. in the interest of changing the uninterested's mind this 'friend' will attempt to be The Perfect Friend. they won't actually be themselves. meanwhile the uninterested party is getting everything s/he wants from the 'friendship' and the interested party gets mostly consternation. the real test of the friendship comes when the uninterested party develops a romantic interest in someone other than the 'friend'. in my experience, the 'friend' is crushed by this development - but a true friend wouldn't be crushed if their friend starts seeing someone romantically. that right there tells the truth behind the lie - the 2 parties weren't actually friends at all.

but i digress...you don't have to bone this guy to be a good friend. in fact i think boning him would be the worst thing you could do to him considering your knowledge of his feelings. i dunno the guy and maybe he's not like me or the guys i've experienced this with. maybe y'all are different.

from the outside continuing w/the friendship seems selfish on your part and foolish on his.
12663885, *sigh.
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:14 PM
i was afraid of this. i'mma fall back. oh well. thanks Morpheus ;)
12664001, wait!
Posted by lfresh, Mon Dec-01-14 02:10 PM
it all depends on the level of interest hes shown

and his behavior going forward

it will help if you continue to hold your line firmly with no missteps

unlikely isnt impossible

it all depends on how long have you been friends?
did he confess feelings and they've been held on to for a long time?
probably not going to work

is this over a year or two and yall rarwly hung out but he realized hey this is a possible and made an effort?
maybe yall both grown

he keeps trying though you made it clear verbally and otherwise
you pay for your own things on outtings
you dont snuggle with dude or get too intimate like you would with someone you are dating

if he keep doing the *sigh* romanticizing you or your friendship
or keeps trying to get in the drawls

then nah

also hold him to the same standards as your other friendships


~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.
12664063, okay yes!
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 02:41 PM
>it all depends on the level of interest hes shown
>
>and his behavior going forward
>
>it will help if you continue to hold your line firmly with no
>missteps
>
>unlikely isnt impossible
>
>it all depends on how long have you been friends?

about a year.

>did he confess feelings and they've been held on to for a long
>time?

nope. he makes comments and when called on them feels embarrassed and claims he was kidding. then he kissed me once and after i sternly told him that wasn't cool, he said it wouldn't happen again.

>probably not going to work
>
>is this over a year or two and yall rarwly hung out but he
>realized hey this is a possible and made an effort?
>maybe yall both grown
>
>he keeps trying though you made it clear verbally and
>otherwise
>you pay for your own things on outtings
>you dont snuggle with dude or get too intimate like you would
>with someone you are dating
>
>if he keep doing the *sigh* romanticizing you or your
>friendship
>or keeps trying to get in the drawls
>
>then nah
>
>also hold him to the same standards as your other friendships

bet!
12664083, again: is he your only friend?
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 02:53 PM
LOL - i only ask that b/c i think i'd find that behavior annoying enough that i'd cool off my friendship w/that guy. unless he were my only friend or Best Friend.

when i've been on your side of this issue i've become fucking annoyed by the entreaties for sex after i've been clear that it ain't happening.

i have an acquaintance like that now - we only see each other out and about but we used to be closer. i put distance between us b/c his 'jokes' about wanting to fuck me had become tedious. it was clear his interest in sex had clouded his ability to relate to me on just about any other level. he was mostly cool but just couldn't stop throwing around little comments about how sexy i am or how good the sex between us would be or whatever whatever. it was flattering at first and then it just wasn't and now it's kinda creepy.

but your friend might not be such a creep about it.
12664109, no but he offers things the other friends dont
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 03:05 PM
>LOL - i only ask that b/c i think i'd find that behavior
>annoying enough that i'd cool off my friendship w/that guy.
>unless he were my only friend or Best Friend.
>when i've been on your side of this issue i've become fucking
>annoyed by the entreaties for sex after i've been clear that
>it ain't happening.

and yes, the times it has happened i was annoyed as fuck and let it be known. now if it happens again? that's it for me. i'm done trying.

>i have an acquaintance like that now - we only see each other
>out and about but we used to be closer. i put distance
>between us b/c his 'jokes' about wanting to fuck me had become
>tedious. it was clear his interest in sex had clouded his
>ability to relate to me on just about any other level. he was
>mostly cool but just couldn't stop throwing around little
>comments about how sexy i am or how good the sex between us
>would be or whatever whatever. it was flattering at first and
>then it just wasn't and now it's kinda creepy.
>
>but your friend might not be such a creep about it.


12663988, this is spot on.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 02:00 PM
im not coming back to this thread.

im getting more and more pissed off on behalf of the guy.
12664057, Let the church say amen.
Posted by lightworks, Mon Dec-01-14 02:38 PM
12663837, pretty much.
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 01:01 PM
cuz obviously the girl is not going to end it because she likes the attention she's getting or maybe doesn't want to hurt his feelings.
dude needs to stop being a simp.
12663815, hook him up with one of your friends
Posted by T Reynolds, Mon Dec-01-14 12:55 PM
if you feel like you couldn't do that then you really do like keeping him around for the attention
12663835, i would if a) i had a friend who i thought would be interested, and
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:00 PM
b) he wasn't already in a complicated relationship w/ someone else
12663839, THE PLOT THICKENS
Posted by T Reynolds, Mon Dec-01-14 01:01 PM
12663854, he aint innocent ;)
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:05 PM
12663861, if he was single would everything more or less stay the same between
Posted by T Reynolds, Mon Dec-01-14 01:07 PM
you two?
12663869, can we take bets now?
Posted by BabySoulRebel, Mon Dec-01-14 01:09 PM
I say if he was completely single, the sex would've happened already lol
12663875, yerp lol
Posted by T Reynolds, Mon Dec-01-14 01:11 PM
but I am curious though

maybe it's as simple as her not being attracted to him
12663906, yall are foul, lol. but youre right about me not being attracted to
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:21 PM
him. he's not completely unattractive...but he's not someone i would immediately find appealing physically. he's cool as fuck and, at first, i was trying to be open minded but no dice. and as i got to know him better i realized i wasn't attracted at all and couldn't/shouldn't force it. but we still could be great friends if he didnt want my sex.
12663939, yeah that's pretty straightforward really
Posted by T Reynolds, Mon Dec-01-14 01:35 PM
but it does not lend itself to a straightforward resolution

you realize, he may understand the attraction difference and be seeking to stay in your good graces by being 'such a cool, fun guy'.

like it could be a Darwinian trait to slip past the guard

but I don't know enough to say he has separate feelings of friendship that he can work to isolate from the physical stuff

people painting you as the wrong one, but he could be the one running game by playing the friend role

12663955, exactly! and a lot of men play this game.
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:40 PM
i would really hate to lose his friendship but i'm thinking that, after we chat about it, it may be best for me to disappear
12663893, yes. at one point i did entertain the idea of an 'us' but then
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:17 PM
something happened that changed my mind. and since then i've had even more reason to just want to be friends. he wouldn't survive with me, lol. he's not confident enough, etc.
12663817, i never understood why the girl's in the wrong
Posted by nayaa, Mon Dec-01-14 12:56 PM
i feel if i tell you i'm not interested and give you a choice to walk away or continue being JUST friends

and you choose to be friends with me, then that's on you.

if you also choose to stay because you believe that i may change my mind, then that's on you, too.

i'm TELLING you i won't. it aint what i want. you aint a child. this isn't a matter of needing to be convinced otherwise.

why am i in the wrong?

12663826, in his mind, you're keeping him around because you like him a little
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 12:58 PM
but need to be convinced some more.

he's up for the challenge.

but the reality is there is no prize in the end.

you're just bored.

you're having fun with him?

of course you are. he likes you and is using his best material on you.
12663832, *shrug* sorry, my sympathy levels are so low on this
Posted by nayaa, Mon Dec-01-14 12:59 PM
cuz i pride myself in communicating where i'm at always

and i'd never leave room for interpretation.

so he can believe whatever he wants..what he should be doing is listening to me and acting in his best interest.
12663841, ^^^^^^
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:02 PM
12663842, lots of people say one thing and do another
Posted by teefiveten, Mon Dec-01-14 01:02 PM
or people hear one thing and take actions to be different

usually it's a situation where someone is saying they care but their actions contradict

ideally it should be simple to take word over actions and roll w/ that but the actions complicate things.



12663850, your words should match your actions.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:03 PM
you're 'saying' one thing. but yall at the movies every weekend.

or going out to dinner.

or parties.

or chilling at the house.

12663857, and those things build feelings
Posted by teefiveten, Mon Dec-01-14 01:05 PM
unless you start like doing some real disgusting things to make him not attracted he's likely going to keep growing the affection based off the stuff you do together
12663858, they build feelings, and illusions, and thoughts of '... one day'
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:06 PM
12663879, and then when it finally sinks in that it will NEVER happen
Posted by BabySoulRebel, Mon Dec-01-14 01:11 PM
we become the biggest bitches and hoes on the planet
Nobody wins when the friendzone game is played
NOBODY
12663886, LOL for real. it's not worth it. and im IN THIS SITUATION
Posted by teefiveten, Mon Dec-01-14 01:15 PM
lol. for now. but homeboy gets hella ladies and doesnt live in nyc so i rejected him outright and we actually are friends. but because he doesnt live here it's not like we're super close

he knows where i stand and he's fine with it. but if our next encounter results in him trying to make another pass, friendship done.

12663908, ^^^
Posted by MiQL, Mon Dec-01-14 01:21 PM
12663922, ^^ correct.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 01:27 PM
12663925, bingo
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 01:29 PM
12663917, i think that since i lecture him sometimes and i'm frank and shit
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:25 PM
and dont try to be all cutesy that MAYBE he'll start seeing me more as a sister and not a potential piece of ass :)
12663883, try a little empathy.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 01:14 PM
12663896, for real. it's tough w/ the feelings
Posted by teefiveten, Mon Dec-01-14 01:18 PM
especially when hanging w/ them feels so damn good

i haven't been in this situation in a LOOOONG time, as far as liking someone who wasn't having it (and we kinda already had dated but i wanted to be his girlfriend)

he straight up ended hanging out with me. it hurt sooo bad but he was right. i couldn't deal just chilling and he knew i wasn't about to give up and leave on my own accord. it was painful but i appreciate the shit out of him for that.
12663921, yup. having been on the bad side of this
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 01:27 PM
more than once i now don't accept friendship from dudes who've let me know they want romance where i'm uninterested.

12663928, sometimes you gotta save people from themselves
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 01:31 PM
>especially when hanging w/ them feels so damn good
>
>i haven't been in this situation in a LOOOONG time, as far as
>liking someone who wasn't having it (and we kinda already had
>dated but i wanted to be his girlfriend)
>
>he straight up ended hanging out with me. it hurt sooo bad but
>he was right. i couldn't deal just chilling and he knew i
>wasn't about to give up and leave on my own accord. it was
>painful but i appreciate the shit out of him for that.

that's part of just being a decent human being. yea you may tell someone look "i'm not interested in a relationship" but if you know they aren't hearing you or your actions are running contrary to what you're saying then the decent thing to do is to end it.
12663933, agreed. especially if they truly ARE your friend
Posted by teefiveten, Mon Dec-01-14 01:32 PM
.
12663969, this should be the quote that defines this post.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:49 PM
12663979, Yup. Definitely.
Posted by MiQL, Mon Dec-01-14 01:56 PM
12663829, because emotionally you can end the charade lol
Posted by teefiveten, Mon Dec-01-14 12:58 PM
clearly they think they can handle it or are willing to take what they can get but their emotions get the best of them

this is like if a girl really likes a guy and wants to be wifed and he's not with that. even though he's straight up telling her it's never gonna happen. it's not nice or fun but you gotta put the hammer down on shit like that because in the situation you described, the girl is the only one thinking/acting clearly. at that point, you have to euthanize the shit. looks like a perfectly good relationship but it's not. dude can't handle it and can't control wanting more.

12663834, because patriarchy I guess.
Posted by infin8, Mon Dec-01-14 01:00 PM
we have been 'taught' (LOL) that no dont always mean no, and that we know what you want (better than yew doo). Y'all dont know what y'all are missing. I got great convo and great dick that you dont eem know you want yet.

so, Imma just keep hanging around til you 'come' around.

Right?

and I'm not sayin the OP is 'wrong'.
12663836, If men accepted every no as final we would literally never get laid
Posted by Binlahab, Mon Dec-01-14 01:01 PM
This is a negotiation y'all just don't know it yet

Do you think he's making scout laugh and having these deep convos with her because he likes her personality?

He's trying to get in and doing everything he can think of to keep that door sliiiightly ajar

She says no now...sooner or later she won't. He's just gonna bide his time


does it really matter?

for all my fans who keep my name in their mouth: http://i.imgur.com/v2xNOpS.jpg
12663843, the boyfriend that sat by the door
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 01:02 PM

>
>She says no now...sooner or later she won't. He's just gonna
>bide his time
>
>
12663920, LOL
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:27 PM
12664266, LOFL
Posted by astralblak, Mon Dec-01-14 05:09 PM
.
12663932, this is where i'm at, IN THEORY
Posted by blackrussian, Mon Dec-01-14 01:32 PM
but we know that shit doesn't play out that way in reality when it comes to people's emotions, and as the non-emoting one, sometimes you gotta just nip it in the bud.
12663952, "Why should the dealer apologize to his fiends?", they cried.
Posted by Brotha Sun, Mon Dec-01-14 01:39 PM
12663819, if you care about him, leave him alone. otherwise, youre a piece of shit.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 12:56 PM
12663820, I'm in the give him some camp
Posted by Binlahab, Mon Dec-01-14 12:56 PM
Jesus it's just sex y'all act like you guarding ft knox

You like this guy he likes you you're both single give him a shot...if he screws up the friend zone him but what if he knocks them boots from here to Reno?


does it really matter?

for all my fans who keep my name in their mouth: http://i.imgur.com/v2xNOpS.jpg
12663859, -_- bin, i dont just give out samples of my cooch all willy nilly
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:07 PM
12664130, ^^^^the core issue right there! why not?!
Posted by Binlahab, Mon Dec-01-14 03:16 PM
see this is what im saying


does it really matter?

for all my fans who keep my name in their mouth: http://i.imgur.com/v2xNOpS.jpg
12663821, leave him alone
Posted by infin8, Mon Dec-01-14 12:56 PM
he will probly always hope it turns into a draws sitauation.
12663824, QUESTION: are you all friends like for real?
Posted by Joe Corn Mo, Mon Dec-01-14 12:58 PM
because can count my friends on 2 hands and have a bunch of fingers left over.
of that amount, 3 of them i was attracted to at one point,
but we are ride or die friends so it's not a thing that really affected the friendship.


but some ppl count everybody they kinda like talking to as a "friend."
i don't know the protocol for that.

if somebody i once had romantic interest that i had no interest
in building a friendship with had no romantic interest in me, we'll be cordial to each other once i know it ain't gonna happen but we won't really hang out.

i don't count everybody i am cordial to as a friend though.
i mean, i'm cordial to damn near everybody.
12663864, is he a good friend because he is attracted to her?
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 01:07 PM
I've been friend zoned before and once "I" put her in the "friend zone" she said I was acting weird.

12663868, good question.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:09 PM
12663878, i was ASKING if they were friends.
Posted by Joe Corn Mo, Mon Dec-01-14 01:11 PM
no, being attracted to somebody doesn't make you a good friend.

as i said, i can count my friends on two hands.
but the word friendship means something different to me
than other ppl, i think.

the dude i watch fights with occasionally and shoot the shit with every once in a while
ain't my "friend."

i am asking how SHE is defining friendship.


>I've been friend zoned before and once "I" put her in the
>"friend zone" she said I was acting weird.
>
>
12663881, and I'm asking a different question...
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 01:12 PM
sorry if it upset you.
12663889, the only real female friends are either ugly or family.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:16 PM
12663904, ^ homosocial.
Posted by Joe Corn Mo, Mon Dec-01-14 01:20 PM
nttatwwt.
i am also homosocial.

but there are heterosocial men that enjoy being friends with women,
even if there's no chance of fucking.

it happens.

12663897, i answered your question.
Posted by Joe Corn Mo, Mon Dec-01-14 01:18 PM
the answer is, "no."

>sorry if it upset you.


i'm sorry you're under the impression was upsetting to me.
if you thought it did, maybe that's because you're an idiot.

i'm sorry about that.
you being an idiot, i mean.
12663943, you trying to hard bruh...
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 01:36 PM
12663945, yes it's because i care so deeply.
Posted by Joe Corn Mo, Mon Dec-01-14 01:37 PM
i'm not being dismissive at all.
12663951, whatever it is, you are doing too much of it.
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 01:39 PM
Ionno.. maybe it's because I had a great weekend in NYC but I can't help but laugh at some of the shit yall carry around on here.

12663964, right on.
Posted by Joe Corn Mo, Mon Dec-01-14 01:43 PM
12663934, men sometimes make great friends. too much estrogen gets
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:33 PM
exhausting at times. i be needing that male perspective on shit, not the fairy tale/shit smelling floral advice that most women give.
12663947, I feel you... and also just read he has an SO
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 01:37 PM
so umm, yeah. LOL... dude ain't a simp on the sidelines.

You good.
12663962, right! lol, he's a predator
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:42 PM
12663912, i am selective w/ who i label as a friend. EXTREMELY selective
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:23 PM
so yes, i would say that we are real friends. unless he's been putting on a charade as some have said in this post. i care about him AS A FRIEND. but i'd understand if he skated. i'd be disappointed but i'd get it.

>because can count my friends on 2 hands and have a bunch of
>fingers left over.
>of that amount, 3 of them i was attracted to at one point,
>but we are ride or die friends so it's not a thing that really
>affected the friendship.
>
>
>but some ppl count everybody they kinda like talking to as a
>"friend."
>i don't know the protocol for that.
>
>if somebody i once had romantic interest that i had no
>interest
>in building a friendship with had no romantic interest in me,
>we'll be cordial to each other once i know it ain't gonna
>happen but we won't really hang out.
>
>i don't count everybody i am cordial to as a friend though.
>i mean, i'm cordial to damn near everybody.
12663827, as long as you are OK with him hollaring every few days
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 12:58 PM
then sure.. be friends.

just know that eventually it will end and more than likely it won't be pretty.

12663833, she might feed off of him hollaring every few days. sick shit.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:00 PM
12663874, yup, I have witnessed it first hand.
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 01:10 PM
when you stop hollaring and keep it platonic.. the woman usually realizes it ain't as much fun to hang around that guy because he has "changed"
12663888, the attention/ego boost they brought was the center of the friendship
Posted by BabySoulRebel, Mon Dec-01-14 01:15 PM
on this we can agree
12663926, i seriously aint that chick so please stop. the times he's tried
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:31 PM
i shut that shit all the way down to the ground...and then stomped the fuck out of it. i'm not heartless. i dont want to give dude false hope, toy with his emotions and then be sitting up there looking crazy when he pounces on me unannounced. nah, i'm cool on all that.
12663948, okay. i'll fall back on that.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:38 PM
but just reading the way you type about him - im sure you're fucking his head up with the mixed signals.

bottom line is - he's too ugly or something?
12664203, I see you get FZ'd often......
Posted by RS, Mon Dec-01-14 04:19 PM
>but just reading the way you type about him - im sure you're
>fucking his head up with the mixed signals.
>
>bottom line is - he's too ugly or something?
That's too bad. :-(
12663957, and you said he has someone else...
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 01:41 PM
which means he isn't some helpless dude on your doorstep.
12663967, right, he is not a victim here. im thinking that maybe we should
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:47 PM
have a sit down chat about it one mo gin
just to be absolutely clear about the page we're on.
and if he wants out, i wont block the door
12664024, that reads all types of wrong
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 02:22 PM
I think you know you need to cut that dude off.

If he wants out? LOL... that nigga wants IN!!!!
12664030, -
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 02:26 PM

.
12664039, death by a thousand little cuts instead of just ending it definitively
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 02:30 PM
>do you have other friends?
>
>is he your Best Friend Forever?
>
>i dunno but the idea of having that tortured conversation
>AGAIN about where y'all stand and reiterating your lack of
>interest in a romantic relationship and your instance that
>your relationship remain platonic just seems...hurtful. and
>unnecessary.
>

with one thrust of the knife by just not being "Friends"
12664050, damn so if i'm wrong and he really doesn't want me then i just
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 02:33 PM
lose a good friend? damned if i do, damned if i dont
12664056, my position is that he needs to end himself but if he can't do that then
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 02:37 PM
you should do it for him.
the fact that he is involved with someone else makes him a little less sympathetic in my eyes.
but in general I think both parties have a responsibility in these situations.
12664043, i think something is being missed here
Posted by lfresh, Mon Dec-01-14 02:32 PM
you might be over estimating the level of what was requested

sounds like he wanted sex not a relationship/romance

and he has a complicated relationship with an SO

it might not be there where this is tortuous/arduous

~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.
12664051, fine.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 02:34 PM
12664052, thank you because i'm positive that there is no actual love
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 02:36 PM
involved here. the only risk i see is bruising an ego, not breaking a heart. and i'd rather bruise his ego a lil bit than have him thinking we are on some other page that we aren't.

>you might be over estimating the level of what was requested
>
>sounds like he wanted sex not a relationship/romance
>
>and he has a complicated relationship with an SO
>
>it might not be there where this is tortuous/arduous
>
>~~~~
>When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so
>that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
>~~~~
>You cannot hate people for their own good.
12664060, then proceed.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 02:40 PM
and be prepared to deal w/regular entreaties from him whenever he thinks you've opened the door.

b/c if he just wants to fuck you and has a romantic relationship elsewhere i doubt he's going to stop trying to get the goodies just b/c you 'make it clear' that you're not interested.

shit, i've been there too. i just went through my FB friend list and unfriended every guy who was on the list b/c i want to fuck them at some point. it's like...for what? we weren't friends. i just kept them around waiting for that moment to get 'em. the shit got tedious though.
12664066, lol, see this is why i need more male friends
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 02:45 PM
i dont wanna be facebook friends or otherwise w/ n*ggas who just wanna fuck.
12664068, then you may not wanna be this guy's friend...
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 02:46 PM
LOL

but i dunno him.
12664081, probably not, lol. ugh
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 02:52 PM
12663901, you made your intentions clear...you've done your part
Posted by gumz, Mon Dec-01-14 01:19 PM
i don't think it's wrong if you're honest about it and remain consistent...it will just be an awkward friendship if you know that he is still trying to holla the whole time. that's on him though.
12663902, so you really expect him to act like he don't want you? for real.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:19 PM
you don't mind him having this hungry look in the back of his eyes, but as long as he doesn't utter the words, its all good?

why would you want your friend to behave in a way that was untrue to him, just because you want someone to have fun with.

sick shit.
12663915, lol @ "hungry look" ...if a dude's at that point, then he's got issues
Posted by 8-bit, Mon Dec-01-14 01:25 PM
>you don't mind him having this hungry look in the back of his
>eyes, but as long as he doesn't utter the words, its all
>good?

There are other women out there. He can go holler at some other chick if he's starving. And I'd much prefer having a woman as a wing(wo)man in many nightlife situations vs. a dude.
12663924, wingwoman? fuck those.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:28 PM
if the wingwoman is too attractive, the mark will surely be intimidated.

or the mark will NOT be convinced that you two are or haven't had something going.

if the wingwoman is not so attractive - you're better off alone.

at best the woman should put in a good word with one of her attractive buddies, and then back all the way off.
12663929, this helps your chances.
Posted by Joe Corn Mo, Mon Dec-01-14 01:32 PM
>if the wingwoman is too attractive, the mark will surely be
>intimidated.
>
>or the mark will NOT be convinced that you two are or haven't
>had something going.



12663937, and the mark will be ever more intrigued in stealing you away
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:34 PM
win/win
12663935, Nothing gets their attention faster than seeing you with another woman
Posted by 8-bit, Mon Dec-01-14 01:33 PM
Plus, y'all ain't on a date. You don't have to be near each other the whole night. Once the chick you're hollering at says "oh, I thought you two were together..." it's GOTCHA!, lol.
12663942, this makes sense. but is dependent on the security of the mark.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:35 PM
if the mark is insecure (something you can't really predict) then, it's a losing situation soon after that night.

but you're right, that night - you do have her full attention.
12663956, if you conceive of objects of your affection as "marks,"
Posted by Joe Corn Mo, Mon Dec-01-14 01:41 PM
then insecurity is your friend.
it's quite easy to pick at ppl's self esteem
and then use their insecure state to build them back up.

assuming you are playing to "win,"
there's never a disadvantage to establishing a little competition.
even after you are "together" you don't wanna lose that sense of scarcity.





>if the mark is insecure (something you can't really predict)
>then, it's a losing situation soon after that night.
>
>but you're right, that night - you do have her full
>attention.
12663971, believe it or not, i not a fan of 'games'.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:52 PM
im way too sensitive to be taking risks with my bleeding-ass heart.
12663944, i am not surprised that he ain't pick up on this.
Posted by Joe Corn Mo, Mon Dec-01-14 01:36 PM
like, not at all.

lol
12663954, don't be surprised, i think i just handle myself (socially) better than most.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:39 PM
most.

the added person is usually a liability for me.

but yeah yeah.

pretty people, woo woo woo.
12663923, no, that hungry look kinda worries me
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:28 PM
hence, again, this post! i think i'mma have to let him go.
12663936, That's his burden, not yours
Posted by Ted Gee Seal, Mon Dec-01-14 01:34 PM
>more from you?
>scenario: the two of you have fantastic conversations and get
>along well but one party has made it pretty clear that they
>want your chonies and you have made it pretty clear that's not
>happening, but you still wanna hang out cause y'all have fun
>together. is that wrong or mean? is it an unintentional set
>up? should i just leave him alone?

You're both adults. He should be old enough and mature enough to understand the deal around these things. As long as you're clear about where he stands in regards to you your conscience should be likewise clear.
12663960, whats the point of a clear conscience when the nigga is trying to fuck
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:41 PM
at every commercial break?

the idea of a clear conscience shouldn't help you sleep at night.

appropriate, well-managed relationships should be the comforting factor.
12663974, that's his burden, not hers
Posted by Ted Gee Seal, Mon Dec-01-14 01:52 PM
>at every commercial break?
>
>the idea of a clear conscience shouldn't help you sleep at
>night.
>
>appropriate, well-managed relationships should be the
>comforting factor.

If that goes for her, it goes double for him. This isn't her responsibility. If she's let him know the terms of engagement, anything else is his free will.
12663963, why continue something that you know isn't genuine?
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 01:42 PM

>You're both adults. He should be old enough and mature enough
>to understand the deal around these things. As long as you're
>clear about where he stands in regards to you your conscience
>should be likewise clear.

I agree that the onus would be more on the other person. but where the other person's culpability comes into play is they are essentially using that person. whether it's consciously or subconcioiusly
12663978, They're adults
Posted by Ted Gee Seal, Mon Dec-01-14 01:54 PM

>
>I agree that the onus would be more on the other person. but
>where the other person's culpability comes into play is they
>are essentially using that person. whether it's consciously or
>subconcioiusly

It's just a friendship, not a co-sign on a loan.

He's a man, let him wear his big boy pants and make a decision about what he wants out of this, knowing what she wants out of it.
12663981, typing "they're adults" doesn't mean anything.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 01:56 PM
plenty of maladjusted adults are running the streets.

in fact most people are maladjusted.

alternatively you could state: she's aware of what's going on, and has a responsibility to do the 'right thing'.
12664079, RE: typing "they're adults" doesn't mean anything.
Posted by Ted Gee Seal, Mon Dec-01-14 02:52 PM
>plenty of maladjusted adults are running the streets.
>
>in fact most people are maladjusted.
>
>alternatively you could state: she's aware of what's going on,
>and has a responsibility to do the 'right thing'.

If she's made her feelings clear she's done the right thing. I don't see that she needs to police his feelings with action if he's prepared to go into the situation with his eyes open.
12663986, you typed big boy pants. i can't take you seriously
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 01:59 PM
12664099, You have a good day then.
Posted by Ted Gee Seal, Mon Dec-01-14 03:00 PM
>
12664104, i hope too. you as well.
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 03:03 PM
12663965, yep, my conscience is super clear.
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 01:44 PM
i didn't lead him on at all. but if he can't handle a friendship with me i'll definitely respect that and move it right along.
12663990, a real friend would have more empathy for their friend.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 02:01 PM
i'd expect.

based on my experience i don't think either of the parties involved in the situation can be a true friend to the other.
12663993, i can't clap loud and long enough to this.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 02:02 PM
12663995, agree
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 02:04 PM

>
>based on my experience i don't think either of the parties
>involved in the situation can be a true friend to the other.
>

12663996, so what if i have a talk with him and he's all like 'girl! psh! im over it'
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 02:04 PM
it." is it safe to proceed as friends then?
12664020, i had a friend that picked up on the fact that i was falling for him.
Posted by Joe Corn Mo, Mon Dec-01-14 02:20 PM
he just asked me point blank if i was in love with him,
and i admitted that i was.

he said he didn't think it was healthy and he didn't like the idea
of him causing me pain, even if it wasn't his "fault."

he said he didn't feel comfortable hanging out with me, at least for a while.

after that conversation we didn't contact each other for 6 months.
but at some point i shot him an email randomly
and he responded back. then we met up to go for a run that week
and we're friends again and see each other regularly.

my romantic feelings for him have passed and i really don't think about it much.

so a little distance won't hurt,
i'd agree with that.



>it." is it safe to proceed as friends then?
12664028, 3 more outings and you will be in love again
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 02:25 PM

12664038, that shows how much you know.
Posted by Joe Corn Mo, Mon Dec-01-14 02:29 PM
i haven't been able to fall in love w/ anybody
since my ex dumped me.

i'm in my Amy Winehouse "love is a losing game" phase right now.
i'm not due for my Marvin Gaye "i'm falling in love again" phase for
at least another year and a half.

12664032, :)
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 02:27 PM
thanks for this.
12664036, yeah...distance is key.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 02:28 PM
homie needs time to work through and get over his interest in a romantic relationship that ain't gonna happen.

he needs to grieve and he likely needs space.

at least i've needed that when i've been where i think he is based on what i've read in the OP.
12664022, he will probably be lying if he says he is over it.
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 02:20 PM
12664026, that's on you.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 02:22 PM
i wouldn't continue b/c i'd not trust his statement that he's over it. and unless this guy is like my bestie best friend and i have no others around i could and would live w/o his friendship.

i tried doing what i knew to be wrong a couple yrs ago after a buddy confessed his desire for romance. it was all good, i thought, until i let my guard down after a night of drinking and he made a move on me. and i entertained it b/c i was drunk and then felt awful b/c i knew better. he, of course, mistook my behavior as a green light to move our relationship to a new phase. he thought he'd been successful in convincing me we should be together. i had to let him down - again. and after that i just stopped reaching to him at all. so when a movie came out that i knew he'd like i didn't call him. i heard about a party i figured he'd dig and i didn't invite him. i saw som'n on tv that reminded me of som'n we'd talked about and i didn't text him. i pulled back b/c i knew the deal w/him.

as i said before, the way i see it continuing the 'friendship' is foolish on his part and selfish on yours. but that's based on my experience.

good luck.
12664029, ^^^^^^^^^^^
Posted by teefiveten, Mon Dec-01-14 02:25 PM
.
12664035, yup
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 02:27 PM
12664037, *double sigh
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 02:28 PM
youre right.
12664042, I've been on both sides of scout's situation
Posted by Ted Gee Seal, Mon Dec-01-14 02:31 PM
>i'd expect.
>
>based on my experience i don't think either of the parties
>involved in the situation can be a true friend to the other.
>

I disagree, and I suppose we'll just have to agree that we don't see eye to eye on this.

I've had women I liked and told them, and they were good enough to let the friendship continue, and I got to continue to hang out with someone whose company I enjoyed. To me attraction usually began after developing a friendship, I seldom approached a woman straight away. So for me, to have a friendship grow into feelings and then be completely cut off because of an empathy that I'm not asking for, that would be disappointing.
12664046, i have too and it's not what i thought initially.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 02:33 PM
this guy only wants to fuck her and she doesn't want to b/c she's not attracted to him.

i don't think she's 'wrong' to continue a friendship. i do think the guy will keep coming on to her when the opportunity presents itself and if she can deal w/those unwanted advances (maybe it won't happen) and he can deal w/her rejection(s) then it's all good.

the story in the OP is a bit different but she's since clarified.
12664014, agreed
Posted by lfresh, Mon Dec-01-14 02:18 PM
he also has an SO
i wouldnt be overly concerned about this dude with regards to feelings



above is usually for two single people
or the person has their heart set on you
yall cant be friends

sex?
yeah theres a possibility
unless dude just constantly walks around with his dick out
then nah

but not all dudes are like either
and not all friendships are so pat

try and just be aware

~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.
12664040, imma have a chat with him and see how things seem to me
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 02:30 PM
if i'm not convinced that he's cool with being JUST friends
i'm fading to black (c) geah
12664053, RE: agreed
Posted by Ted Gee Seal, Mon Dec-01-14 02:36 PM

>but not all dudes are like either
>and not all friendships are so pat
>
>try and just be aware

^ I think this is key.
12664062, this guy doesn't wanna love her, he wants to bone her.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 02:41 PM
he's in love elsewhere.

she doesn't want to fuck him though b/c she's not attracted to him.

that changes my analysis completely.

12664073, actually, he told me that he's not in love and that they are
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 02:50 PM
"taking a break" from one another
which could very well be a lie to see if he has a shot at my drawls but i've given him no hope of that ever happening so i dont think he would lie. he was honest enough to tell me about her in the first place, maybe he's being honest now.
but still, i highly doubt he's in love w/ me either.
12664084, he wants the booty
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 02:53 PM
and you know this
12664087, word up.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 02:54 PM
12664092, dont hold back, now. i came here for okps opinion
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 02:58 PM
is this nigga likely lying in wait? am i being naive?
whats your take?
12664139, yeah, he's lying in wait.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 03:23 PM
12664108, see you should have included all of this in the OP.
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 03:04 PM
I still think you should dead it.
but it casts him in a less sympathetic light, for me at least.
12664111, it wasn't the point of the op
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 03:06 PM
12664171, asking our opinion was
Posted by BabySoulRebel, Mon Dec-01-14 03:47 PM
and we were basing our opinions on the facts that were provided at the time.

I call shenanigans
you tryna pull a lightworks on us LMAO
12664204, lol, honestly i didnt see how all of that complication was relevant
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 04:20 PM
he wants more
i dont

it was all of them up there ^^^ (except ted) who wanted to assign blame and not stick to the point

whether he wants romance, just sex, a threesome, or whatever is all the same to me.
12664302, It's completely relevant to the situation
Posted by Cold Truth, Mon Dec-01-14 05:56 PM
Since it’s clearly not as simple as “he wants more, I don’t”, those details are very relevant.

By omitting key details when asking for opinions, you effectively tried to shape the responses in a way that would validate your perspective as opposed to putting everything out there and eliciting the more accurate, possibly unflattering opinions that would form with more information. It’s not about “assigning blame”, it’s about forming nuanced, educated opinions instead of generic opinions that only apply in general terms.


12664307, i'd also say it's about accountability
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Mon Dec-01-14 05:59 PM

>
> It’s not
>about “assigning blame”, it’s about forming nuanced,
>educated opinions instead of generic opinions that only apply
>in general terms.
>


people have to own their actions. I submit that if you knowingly continue a faux friendship with someone that you KNOW wants more then you are selfish and you should own that.
12664389, it's not a faux friendship. i genuinely like his as a friend
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 07:59 PM
12664388, there is no way any of that info would have elicited accurate
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 07:58 PM
opinions. only speculation since not even I know precisely how he feels and i'm the one in this situation.
12665382, You don't think more info=more accurate opinions?
Posted by Cold Truth, Tue Dec-02-14 06:52 PM
General info=general opinion
More info=more accurate opinion, at least in terms of your version of events (not implying you're lying or anything, just that this is your side of the story)

The reason being is more factors are considered when forming an opinion, thus you would receive opinions that take much more of your situation into account. Of course, as you noted, we're only talking about your side here.

A *truly* accurate opinion of the entire situation would obviously require an in depth discussion with both of you. Ted Gee got it right, but only in terms of the general rules of engagement; he still acknowledged that different circumstances would lead to different conclusions.

I think the real answer to your real question- whether or not it's wrong to force friendship upon this particular guy- is best obtained via your friend himself. You should ask him how he feels. Personally I think the best overall course for YOU is to place him at arms length, because I do believe there is some selfishness at play and these situations have a way of getting more complicated than intended.
12664067, Not always.
Posted by Cold Truth, Mon Dec-01-14 02:45 PM
It always baffles me how people assign sole responsibility in these situations to one party. Some people purposely keep that unrequited love around like a groupie, just someone there to validate and lean on. I’ve seen- and, unfortunately, played both parts this play in my day- many occasions where the object of affection gives just enough hope to string along the unrequited party indefinitely. Very few people are open, honest and consistently clear in their boundaries that these situations don’t wind up with both sides contributing to the eventual mess. Often enough, one person won’t give up the ghost while the other strives to keep the ball in play just enough to soak up some adoration and validation.

I have a hard time seeing any

of them as victims, but I have equal difficulty viewing either as an innocent party. In a situation where one person is crystal clear, doesn’t court added affection, doesn’t throw out mixed signals, doesn’t try to do cute shit like cuddle or sleep in the same bed or whatever, and the other keeps putting in that bid? I agree completely. The simple fact though is that plenty of people play the game and pull an awe shux, WHO ME? when their card is pulled.
12664091, RE: Not always.
Posted by Ted Gee Seal, Mon Dec-01-14 02:57 PM
>It always baffles me how people assign sole responsibility in
>these situations to one party. Some people purposely keep that
>unrequited love around like a groupie, just someone there to
>validate and lean on.

If someone leads someone else on, I agree. But if scout has made it clear that friendship is all that's on the cards, then I think that's enough.

I’ve seen- and, unfortunately, played
>both parts this play in my day- many occasions where the
>object of affection gives just enough hope to string along the
>unrequited party indefinitely.

I wouldn't clap to that either.

Very few people are open,
>honest and consistently clear in their boundaries that these
>situations don’t wind up with both sides contributing to the
>eventual mess.

That's true, and is a big disclaimer to what I'm talking about here.

>Often enough, one person won’t give up the
>ghost while the other strives to keep the ball in play just
>enough to soak up some adoration and validation.



>
>I have a hard time seeing any
>
>of them as victims, but I have equal difficulty viewing either
>as an innocent party. In a situation where one person is
>crystal clear, doesn’t court added affection, doesn’t
>throw out mixed signals, doesn’t try to do cute shit like
>cuddle or sleep in the same bed or whatever, and the other
>keeps putting in that bid? I agree completely. The simple fact
>though is that plenty of people play the game and pull an awe
>shux, WHO ME? when their card is pulled.
>

It's not cut and dried depending on the situation, that's for sure.
12663961, Women made such swell friends.
Posted by veritas, Mon Dec-01-14 01:42 PM
Awfully swell. In the first place, you had to be in love with a woman to have a basis of friendship. I had been having Brett for a friend. I had not been thinking about her side of it. I had been getting something for nothing. That only delayed the presentation of the bill. The bill always came. That was one of the swell things you could count on.

I thought I had paid for everything. Not like the woman pays and pays and pays. No idea of retribution or punishment. Just exchange of values.
12664061, ...said the man with the broken dong
Posted by cgonz00cc, Mon Dec-01-14 02:41 PM
12664326, you're the only one here who ever read a book i see
Posted by veritas, Mon Dec-01-14 06:31 PM
12668952, i couldnt leave you hanging after a reference like that
Posted by cgonz00cc, Sun Dec-07-14 01:32 PM
12664034, Chick friends are cool.
Posted by isaaaa, Mon Dec-01-14 02:27 PM

Anti-gentrification, cheap alcohol & trying to look pretty in our twilight posting years (c) Big Reg


Get 25% off www.karmaloop.com w/ rep code JR9103 |
Nike, G-Star, Herschel, Adidas (Men's & Women's clothing)
12664044, If women cut off every male friend who showed interest in us, we'd
Posted by abby, Mon Dec-01-14 02:33 PM
have no male friends

As long as you've 1) been upfront, 2) not been/aren't leading him on and 3) do not manipulate his feelings, you are good.

Set boundaries and abide by them
12664055, and?
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 02:36 PM
LOL

i haven't maintained close ties w/dudes who've shown romantic interest where i wasn't interested. and i don't suffer from a lack of friends.

12664075, Women are generally delusional about this.
Posted by Cold Truth, Mon Dec-01-14 02:51 PM
Most women have less actual suitors than they think they do. The percentage of guys who actually want anything more than a Saturday night special is likewise smaller than you think.

Wanting pussy, wanting YOU (not you as in Abby, just you in general) for YOUR pussy, and wanting YOU for YOU are three very different distinctions it doesn’t seem most women differentiate all that well.
12664122, that's what i'm saying, lol. sowhat has no problem having both
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 03:11 PM
genders as friends cause the women already know aint no shot.
12664129, not every dude wants to be romantical
Posted by teefiveten, Mon Dec-01-14 03:16 PM
i mean yeah we can argue that every dude wants to bang but i believe the original premise was pursuing a friendship with someone who wants "more". more meaning a relationship or an attempt at one, not necessarily just a bang. i think w/ replies it was revealed that he just wants a bang which honestly would make me even less inclined to remain friends but if dude just likes you and wants to try dating you it should be deaded as well for the sake of his feelings, especially if you consider him a friend. at the very least, some distance until he can accept it or get over you.

i have many guy friends. i meet new guys all the time b/c of the dj thing. none of these guys have come at me wanting any more than a friendship. maybe if the window was open for sex they'd come out of the woodwork but right now they have never tried anything or indicated that they wanted more. i really don't think it's that hard to find. and this is coming from someone who can't find a date. lol.
12664159, Not all guys want a relationship, but most straight guys will try you up
Posted by abby, Mon Dec-01-14 03:38 PM
for sex

That's all I was saying
12664161, my GUESS is he just wants 'a bang'
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 03:41 PM
i never entertain a pass long enough to know otherwise.

>i mean yeah we can argue that every dude wants to bang but i
>believe the original premise was pursuing a friendship with
>someone who wants "more". more meaning a relationship or an
>attempt at one, not necessarily just a bang. i think w/
>replies it was revealed that he just wants a bang which
>honestly would make me even less inclined to remain friends
>but if dude just likes you and wants to try dating you it
>should be deaded as well for the sake of his feelings,
>especially if you consider him a friend. at the very least,
>some distance until he can accept it or get over you.
>
>i have many guy friends. i meet new guys all the time b/c of
>the dj thing. none of these guys have come at me wanting any
>more than a friendship. maybe if the window was open for sex
>they'd come out of the woodwork but right now they have never
>tried anything or indicated that they wanted more. i really
>don't think it's that hard to find. and this is coming from
>someone who can't find a date. lol.
>
12664133, I be trying, tho. I hit him up every quarter just to see if he still gay.
Posted by abby, Mon Dec-01-14 03:17 PM
soon as he tell me "no"

I'M IN!
12664164, lol
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 03:42 PM
12664172, I see you, lfresh and I are gonna have a fight to the death huh?
Posted by BabySoulRebel, Mon Dec-01-14 03:49 PM
12664178, I mean...we might have to scrap it out
Posted by abby, Mon Dec-01-14 03:56 PM
what Iyanla say..."you let a penis ruin ya friendship...A PENIS!" lol
12664181, see I'm poly so I know how to share
Posted by BabySoulRebel, Mon Dec-01-14 03:59 PM
y'all two monogamous folks on the other hand...
I'm sure we can work out a visitation schedule.
12664189, yeah, naw. When he mine, he MINEZ.
Posted by abby, Mon Dec-01-14 04:07 PM
.
12664930, lol!
Posted by lfresh, Tue Dec-02-14 01:41 PM

~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.
12664141, yes but i'm not close to any gay dudes who want the goodies
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 03:25 PM
where i'm not interested in sharing my goodies w/them.

i've been there in the past and that situation is too messy for my taste now. but i only know that b/c i've been through it and i learned the hard way. LOL
12664169, so even if you made your goodies available none of your friends
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 03:44 PM
would bite? i think most hetero men would fuck their female friends if given the opportunity, that's why i'm downplaying this a bit. thats probably why i need to have a chat with dude to be sure we're on the same page
12664180, no. none of them who are my friends would bite.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 03:58 PM
just like i wouldn't bite if any of them offered. b/c...no.

12664207, lol @ because no
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 04:22 PM
12664048, Wrong? No. Self-sabotage? Absolutely. It’s just a terrible idea.
Posted by Cold Truth, Mon Dec-01-14 02:33 PM
Yes, it could work out or whatever.

My guess is the odds don’t really favor a happy, healthy friendship though. This is the sort of thing that ends with one person soaking up the attention and adoration of the other while the other slowly grows resentful, leading to some sort of fallout.

There are obvious shades of gray to be had, but it’s just not the greatest idea. It’s probably best to limit that relationship to a degree that won’t fuel the fire, so to speak.
12664078, the original OP sounds like she wanted to force a friendship...
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 02:52 PM
and that's a bad idea IMO.

on further review it sounds like the homie just wants to smash. Now, if she is OK with him throwing out little smash crumbs every so often then cool... but if she is one to get offended or discouraged when he does it then why try to force it?



12664208, he's going to go in it thinkin' he'll eventually wear you down or grow on you.
Posted by Fishgrease, Mon Dec-01-14 04:25 PM
12664212, stranger things have happened.
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 04:29 PM
12664312, maybe I read this wrong but it sounds like you are playing a lil game
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Dec-01-14 06:09 PM
12664380, i'm bullshitting. i already know what i'mma do. he stands no
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 07:51 PM
chance at romance even if he got fine tomorrow.
but i'mma have that chat with him tho and i'll try to remember to let yall know how it goes :) lol
12664391, *daps*
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 08:04 PM
just don't invite dude over for a cuddle session. lol
12665257, RE: *daps*
Posted by scout, Tue Dec-02-14 05:10 PM
hahaha! no worries there.
12664333, girl, bye.
Posted by SoWhat, Mon Dec-01-14 06:42 PM
that's mess.
12664209, Why don't you switch roles?
Posted by Starks dunked on Bulls, Mon Dec-01-14 04:26 PM
Think about it, how would you feel?

12664213, ive been there. i survived and i wanted that friendship because he
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 04:30 PM
would have been a good friend to have
but alas, he didnt think us being friends was a good idea
so he's just an associate now
12664291, so basically u want to be friends with his representative
Posted by SeV, Mon Dec-01-14 05:42 PM
cause dude is giving u his A game with hopes of getting the drawls


if u cool with dangling the pussy in order to have someone to pillow talk with when u lonely than that's on u



but im banned tho.
____________

Dallas Cavericks LETS GO!!
12664384, i like to think i'm a good judge of character. if this is his A game
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 07:54 PM
i feel extremely sorry for him. but not sorry enough to offer up my cooch.
12664323, dude gotta be mature
Posted by Roadblock, Mon Dec-01-14 06:29 PM
to entertain this.

12664336, I'd wager he's a fool. or already has a plate-full of pussy, or both.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 06:49 PM
12664339, do you change clothes around him? do you mind if he notices a nipple?
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 06:50 PM
12664381, 0_o the hell? the f*ck? maaaan, c'mon now. quit playing
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 07:53 PM
12664387, it happens.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 07:57 PM
and so help me out.

when that does happen, what should the guy be thinking?
12664383, nope. i have a guy friend like that...
Posted by ndibs, Mon Dec-01-14 07:54 PM
he comes over and helps me around the house and we talk and enjoy each other's company. As long as you're pretty clear and you both like each other enough to just hang out then i think it's all right. Plus, I need someone to help me put up thermal curtains and shelving and girls aren't good at that stuff.
12664386, i mean, that's not so bad, right?
Posted by scout, Mon Dec-01-14 07:56 PM
i need these christmas lights put up and shit but i'mma take him to dinner afterwards as a thank you, lol
12664394, smh homie gonna be feeling like this at dinner
Posted by Roadblock, Mon Dec-01-14 08:07 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbUpGoOjFWw
12664395, dinner with you is torture. you ain't shit.
Posted by Deadzombie, Mon Dec-01-14 08:08 PM
12664421, I dunno, given how he's pining after her, she might be the shit
Posted by Ted Gee Seal, Mon Dec-01-14 09:12 PM
>
12664435, He's being taken advantage of. She's bored. Its common. Its life.
Posted by Brotha Sun, Mon Dec-01-14 09:44 PM
People manipulate each other everyday b. Iono why people go straight into defense mode whenever they get called out on it. Theyre not alone in their tub of filth. Most of us are splashing in it as well. *shrug*

"He wants more."

BUT I LIKE HIS FRIENDSHIP

"This wont end well"

BUT I...

"He'll eventually express his dissatisfaction"

BUT I

I

I

I

All about the I. You woulda thought she was a rastafarian.


Nothing wrong with a little selfishness, but the lack of honesty is just :/
12664684, u stupid... but also 100% correct
Posted by legsdiamond, Tue Dec-02-14 10:23 AM
12664723, this
Posted by TheVillageIdiot, Tue Dec-02-14 11:10 AM

>
>
>Nothing wrong with a little selfishness, but the lack of
>honesty is just :/
12665254, nope. there is mutual benefit. mono y mono
Posted by scout, Tue Dec-02-14 05:08 PM
you'd rather EYE be the one to get taken advantage of i see
12665245, lol
Posted by scout, Tue Dec-02-14 05:06 PM
12664427, nope, because men want to screw everyone anyway
Posted by godleeluv, Mon Dec-01-14 09:24 PM
Train him to stay in his place and don't be mad when he moves on to the next crush once he realizes no matter how hard he tries he can't conquer you. That's what it is all about.


♥♥Church Diva♥♥
12664965, exactly. you may as well ask if it's okay to have male friends...
Posted by ndibs, Tue Dec-02-14 02:11 PM
guys dno't make friends with women they wouldn't mind sleeping with unless they're gay.
12668956, this is wrong and not true
Posted by DeepAztheRoot, Sun Dec-07-14 01:47 PM
but carry on
12664442, No man wants to be just friends with you
Posted by Nick Has a Problem...Seriously, Mon Dec-01-14 10:00 PM
Unless you're unattractive. That's just how it is. Better to end it now instead of it leading to future frustration.

Another thing. As long as you're paying your own way when y'all hang out you're not in the wrong. I've seen situations where the woman is on that we're just friends tip but got the dude paying her way when they hang out. Dudes ain't paying their male friends way when they hang out so they shouldn't be paying the female friends way either.
12664715, Stop speaking for all men
Posted by Goldmind, Tue Dec-02-14 11:05 AM
Thanks

12664717, No
Posted by Nick Has a Problem...Seriously, Tue Dec-02-14 11:06 AM
12664675, RE: is it wrong to try to force a friendship w/ someone you know wants
Posted by BrawtaLives, Tue Dec-02-14 10:06 AM
YES...no explanation needed.

fyi- wrong and very selfish.
12665243, and what he wants aint wrong and very selfish?
Posted by scout, Tue Dec-02-14 05:05 PM
man, please. he can always choose to not continue our friendship. I'm offering friendship and that's it. he can take it or leave it.
12664933, hits kinda close to home....wish i had advice
Posted by ambient1, Tue Dec-02-14 01:46 PM
normally i say let grown folx be grown and as long as u been honest then u covered

unfortunately that's too much like right and doesn't work on everybody


but yeah....i got nothing but to say that i can relate

12664934, Not if you make it abundantly clear that it's not going to happen.
Posted by initiationofplato, Tue Dec-02-14 01:48 PM
12665260, right. no mixed signals whatsoever, capt. i'm fair and kind
Posted by scout, Tue Dec-02-14 05:12 PM
12665297, Yes.
Posted by Zion3Lion, Tue Dec-02-14 05:28 PM