i'm praying for your peace in this.

>i made an effort to get closer to him before he died.
>
>I definitely don't miss him.
>but all he left me was alone and this has me fucked up.

that's good that you tried to do that. hopefully that leaves you with no unresolved feelings. you at least made the effort. that says a lot about your maturity.

>
>there is shit that i thought i was over.
>
>apparently, i'm not.
>
>i don't want to go to the funeral but i will.

fam. we right HERE > < on that. for different reasons though. but i got a funeral to go to this week and i do. not. want. to. go. and that's an odd space to be in.

it doesn't get encompassed by the typical, "sorry for your loss, i'm praying for your peace and comfort" response. you have some element of grief and a lot more going on inside. i really feel bad about that. do folk you know irl know your backstory and how you are really feeling?

>i want to just shake it off and keep it moving like i normally
>do.
>
>but when i try to shake it off
>all i feel is more pain and anger and saddness and
>loneliness.

no shortcuts to this process, unfortunately. you gonna just have to go through it to get to the other side.

>
>
>it feels like i got a raw deal.

you did.

>it feels like i didn't deserve this shit.

you don't.
>
>I usually get through by saying everyone has it rough and you
>just suck it up and keep going.
>
>
>but when i try to suck it up
>i just don't feel lik anything is left in the reserves.
>
>it feels like i am out of fight.
>none of the distractions are working.
>
>i can't analyze my way out of this one.
>
>
>it all just sucks.
>i don't even feel bad for feeling sorry for myself.
>
>just fuck the entire situation.

word.

main thing is that you got valid reasons to feel how you do. i'm sorry that it has been like this but i am praying that, if not your father's passing, then at least time will give you some closure.

ultimately, for whatever was lacking in your upbringing, you can resolve to be the opposite of that, and i pray that you have the strength and wisdom to do so.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad