and no need to put children through such attachment if it isnt going to last

so at best you need to hold off on that dad name until you guys are more solid as a couple



>So I've been researching this and thought I'd make a post.
>Here's the situation.
>
>My SO has three kids. 17, 8 and 4. I've been in their life
>for a year now. Much love all around. The 8 year old has
>been dropping hints about calling me dad for a couple months
>now. LAst week...he straight up asked 'When can I start
>calling you dad?' They're biological father is very much in
>the younger kids' lives (he's estranged from the 17 year old).
> I can tell by the effort he puts in to see them.....he's a
>very loving father. I should add that my relationship with
>the 8 year old is particularly close. We just hit it
>off.....I love all the kids equally. But with him i have a
>certain bond that's beyond even what I have with my
>bio-daughter. My bio-daughter has a step-dad. I have to be
>honest....I'd be hurt as shit if she called him dad but I'd
>suck it up. She doesn't...she calls him by his first name.
>
>My belief has always been that as long as the bio parents are
>in the kids lives.....there should be a distinction. The bio
>parents are the mom and dad....the step-parents are called by
>their first names (or nicknames). But this situation is kinda
>pointing me in the other direction.
>
>The kids were directed to call their step-mom (the bio dad's
>new SO) 'mom' when they first met. Something I kinda
>disagreed with but my SO was okay with it. Because of that,
>I'm worried that the 8 year old thinks that is what happens
>with step-parents. So....if we were tell him that he's not
>allowed to call me 'dad'....that might be a signifier of how i
>feel about him. Or a signifier that we're not a 'real
>family'. We can also expect the question 'If I call my
>step-mom 'mom' than why can't I call denny 'dad'? I can tell
>that his feelings will be hurt no matter what explanation we
>make for not letting him call me dad. This whole thing would
>be alot easier if it had never occured to him to call me dad.
>I'd be fine with Denny. But it's not going away.....I'd be
>honoured to be called Dad but it kinda goes against my
>philosophy.
>
>I've done some research in chat forums and there doesn't seem
>to be a clear consensus either way. My SO wants to allow for
>him to call me dad. We've considered asking the bio dad how
>he feels about it....but I'm not sure if we should. I mean,
>what if he says no? We can't let him make that decision for
>us anyways so why even involve him. In directing the kids to
>call his SO 'Mom'...we kinda know where he stands anyways.
>
>So yah, it's weird because normally I would insist that the
>boys call me 'denny'....but a part of me thinks I should adapt
>that view because of the particular circumstances. There's a
>whole lot of moving parts in this which can be considered if
>the thread gets replies.
>
>Thoughts?