My first impression is to tell you that you frequently fall off beat and don't show the dexterity to make your verses flow despite cramming words in. Then I thought about how Buck 65 sounds "off beat" in a very similar way, but that when he does it it is interesting and a part of his style, not a lack of skill. So my advice would be maybe to see how he does it. I'm getting the feeling that I would REALLY enjoy this if I was watching a live performance of it, but I don't think it translates well into this format since it's obviously not live (like, you processed your choruses differently, for example) nor is it quite studio-ed enough. I bet just re-recording it at a bar or something well-mic'd with a small background audience would really bring this to life. Another album you might want to check out is Gym Class Heroes - Papercut Chronicles, if you haven't heard it. I know GCH doesn't have a good image, but that album has a lot of cuts done just with a guitar, bassist and drummer and has at times a feeling similar to this (though not as stripped down.) To be honest, I don't think you are quite proficient at rapping yet, though your voice isn't horrible... I can imagine with more practice you could actually make it sound really cool. Anyway, really interesting project.