I just saw this edit of the film for the first time like everyone else. Changes I would want to test out:

Cut out some people's entrances.
Cut out all of the Afro scientist man's lines.
Cut out parts of the Count's speech
Cut out everything relating to Jenny. It just doesn't work.
Instead of the funeral getting out of hand because of Jenny interrupting, it should instead get out of hand simply because Silkline gets beyond freaked out by the monsters.
Add in a shot of all the monsters' faces (that you guys haven't seen yet) and put the sound of Silkline's "No No No" over the shot.

I think you could maybe even add narration - make it like a dark storybook feeling kind of children's story.
Abandon the original story almost completely and make a new story using shots we have, and add a voice/sound for masked ghostfaced man.
Maybe keep cutting to ghost-faced man: he can be a tormentor of the vampire (Asper).
Add sound of monsters breathing differently and let that underscore the Count's speech. Let the sound of the monsters breathing build.

You should definitely use the close up of the eyeball on the table first. It's insignificant introducing that in the wide shot.
It cuts too quickly to the eyeball on the table. We need a few more beats of Silkline reading or ideally reacting to the monster's arrival- if we even shot that.

That's all I can think of right now.
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