Gigli: 1/4 stars

http://www.interbridge.com/jamessanford/2003/gigli.html

What can you say about a 125-minute movie that died?

"Gigli," the film that launched the Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez love story and its accompanying multimedia juggernaut, is lying in state at a theater near you. If you are wise, you will let it rest in peace.

Shall we eulogize it? Do we dare? Sure. It deserves at least that much.

Some will say this is a film that was born to be bad. They may well be right. Whatever strange magic that might have bewitched Affleck and Lopez when they read the screenplay by Martin Brest (who also directed) never carried over to the screen. Instead, "Gigli" (which, we are reminded several times, rhymes with "really") is an inert, toneless clunker about a conceited tough guy named Larry Gigli (Affleck) who kidnaps mentally challenged Brian (an embarrassing performance by Justin Bartha) to put pressure on Brian's older brother, a federal prosecutor. Since Gigli can't be completely trusted with such a major assignment, prickly enforcer Ricki (Lopez) is sent along to keep him company.

For those who savor every bit of Ben/Jen trivia, here's the sparkling repartee from their first conversation onscreen:

Larry: "Hello."

Ricki: "Hi."

Larry: "May I be of some assistance?"

Ricki: "That remains to be seen."

Considering the rest of the dialogue in "Gigli," that's pretty snappy stuff. The movie has one central set-up that's repeated ad nauseum: Brian does something zany; Larry gets angry; Ricki scolds Larry. Brest's idea of spicing up this situation is saddling Brian with -- wait 'til you hear this one! -- Tourette's Syndrome, so that he's constantly cursing at Larry, who responds with a few choice words of his own.

"Gigli" also brings in, for no credible reason, Ricki's former girlfriend Robin (Missy Crider), who takes one look at Larry and Ricki, misunderstands the situation and promptly slashes her wrists with a butcher knife. As the blood oozes out of the cuts, that jokester Brian notes, "Lady, you need some Band-Aids!"

It's the scene Neil Simon forgot to write.

Although Ricki claims she's gay, Larry is a firm believer in the "Basic Instinct" theory: Lesbians are just women who haven't hooked up with the right guy yet. So after almost 90 minutes of blase bickering, Ricki and Larry finally do wrinkle the sheets in a soon-to-be-roundly-ridiculed sequence that kicks off with Ricki announcing "It's turkey time. Gobble, gobble!" and ends with the stars generating almost as much heat as Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley did in their public makeout sessions.

Neither Affleck nor Lopez has much to be proud of here. He strikes a single note -- lunkheaded exasperation -- again and again, in between showing off his biceps and teeth. Larry is a caricature, not a character, and he's completely dull.

Photographed leeringly by cinematographer Robert Elswit, Lopez is burdened with what has to be one of the most ludicrous monologues in screen history and, just to ensure complete humiliation, she has to deliver it while performing a yoga workout. She's also called upon to talk tough without ever showing off her strength or even much in the way of brainpower. In one of the film's unintentional uproarious moments, Ricki protests being asked to cut off Brian's thumb, barking, "I didn't sign on to this to be a brutal street thug!" Sorry, sweetheart, but "mob enforcer" is not a synonym for "day care provider."

Like the Madonna/Sean Penn collaboration "Shanghai Surprise" did 17 years ago, "Gigli" is likely to attract a handful of devout stargazers who'll ignore the movie's poisonous word of mouth. They'll open the casket and peer in at the lifeless "Gigli," hoping to find something of value. Instead, they'll hear the mocking words of our heroine Ricki: "This might be a good time to suggest not to let the cruel seeds of hope take root in your soul."

Amen, sister.