***** INTRO FILM *****

*CONTROL’s office from Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Gary Oldman and John Hurt sit inside.*

Oldman: We need a host for the Lattes, Control.
Hurt: There’s a host, right at the top of PTP. And he’s been there for years.

*Gary Oldman makes a phone call*

Oldman: I need you to do something for me.

*Cut to a man in a tux with a scorpion on the back, looking out the window of a low-rent Koreatown apartment at night*

Longo: There’s a hundred thousand award ceremonies in this city. You give me a time and place, I give you a two hour window. Those two hours I’m yours. Whatever goes down I’m yours. Minute either side you’re on your own. One last thing. You won’t be able to reach me at this number again.

*We reveal Longo, driving through the city in the car from Drive, as Nightcall plays. Suddenly, the music slows down to a halt, as does the car. LONGO looks at the gasoline—empty.*

Longo: Gosling NEVER refills the tank.

*Longo grabs a hooded sweatshirt from the back and starts running through the street, a la Shame, with a tracking shot. He runs into a train station.*

Voice from off-screen: STOP!

*Longo looks back. Sacha Baron Cohen as the Station Inspector is chasing after him.*

Cohen: You’re hosting the Lattes, aren’t you?
Longo: Leave me alone!
Cohen: After him, Maximillian!

*Maximillian chases after him. Longo locks himself in a room.*

Voice from inside: Can I help you?

*It’s Stellan Skaarsgard in his torture room from Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.*

Longo: There’s just this dog after me.
Skaarsgard: Want me to take care of it?
Longo: Sure, I…
Skaarsgard: Cats are normally my specialty.
Longo: … no. I’m good. Is there a way out of here?

*Skaarsgard points up some creepy stairs.*

Longo: Thanks. Loved you in Mamma Mia.

*Cut to a shot of everyone waiting inside the ballroom where the Lattes are held. Actors, directors, and writers are waiting impatiently. Shea Whigham stands up.*

Whigham: He’s late! Let’s just start the show without a host.

*Michael Shannon from Take Shelter stands up.*

Shannon: He’ll be here.
Whigham: Like we’re gonna listen to you. You agreed to be in Kangaroo Jack.
Shannon: You think I’m crazy? *addresses the crowd in full blown crazy mode* Well, listen up! There’s a host coming like no one you’ve ever seen, and not a one of you is prepared for it!

*Backstage at the Lattes, Longo is looking frantically around. He sees Jean Dujardin from The Artist.*

Longo: Which way to the stage?

*Jean mouths a bunch of words in an animated and frantic manner.*

Longo: Can’t read lips. Help me out here.

*Jean frowns and mocks him in a silent mime-like fashion.*

Longo: I’m sorry I asked.

*Longo keeps running. Dujardin looks at the camera.*

Dujardin: What was his problem?

*Longo finally arrives backstage. He stands and takes a deep breath. A soft whispered narration occurs.*

Whisper voice: Brother. Do good to them. Keep us. Host us. To the end of time.

*Longo turns around to see Sean Penn literally whispering into his ear.*

Longo: Dude. Personal space.
Sean Penn: Sorry.
Longo: What was that?
Sean Penn: Thought it might be inspirational.
Longo: It’s weird. I think you got spit in my ear.
Sean Penn: Scarlett always liked it.
Longo: Can I go start the show now?

*Sean Penn backs away. Longo takes the stage.*

******** END INTRO FILM ***********

MC: Ladies and gentlemen, your host for the Fifth Annual Spilled Latte Awards… Frank Longo!

*Longo enters to huge applause, cut to shot of Elizabeth Olsen fainting.*

Longo: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Fifth Annual Spilled Latte Awards. We had a huge awards ceremony with tons of fabulous guests produced by Zootown, but he was fired by the president of the Lattecademy for bragging on the Howard Stern Show about sleeping with the whole cast of Let's Stay Together. So we have a pared-down ceremony this year. Before we get started, let's take a moment to remember those we lost this year.

*Sarah McLachlan's I Will Remember You plays as we see slides of the following*

- Sidney Lumet
- Peter Falk
- a Green Lantern film sequel
- Bubba Smith
- Harry Morgan
- Cliff Robertson
- Jennifer Aniston's status as a bankable movie star
- Whitney Houston
- Elizabeth Taylor

*music and slideshow ends, as members of the audience inevitably scream and shout about Whitney Houston not being last in the slideshow*

Longo: The first category is Best Cinematography.

In 5th place, Adam Stone for Take Shelter!
In 4th place, Robert Richardson for Hugo!
In 3rd place, Sean Bobbitt for Shame!
In 2nd place, Newton Thomas Sigel for Drive!

And the winner of the Spilled Latte for Best Cinematography… Emmanuel Lubezki for Tree of Life!

*Lubezki thanks the Lattes for giving him an award before the dumbass Academy did, shouts out Demian Bichir*

Longo: Congratulations, Emmanuel. Next up, Best Original Score.

Tied for 5th place, Howard Shore for Hugo and Ludovic Bource for The Artist!
In 4th place, Alberto Iglesias for The Skin I Live In!
In 3rd place, Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo!
In 2nd place, The Chemical Brothers for Hanna!

And the winner of the Spilled Latte for Best Original Score... Cliff Martinez for Drive!

*Martinez thanks the Lattes for giving him an award when the Academy didn't even nominate him, shouts out Demian Bichir*

Longo: That's the first ever member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to win a Spilled Latte Award! *mild applause for vaguely interesting trivia* Next out, to give the Screenplay awards, Hollywood's hottest comedy writer, Todd Phillips!

*Phillips comes out to Ferris Bueller music*

Phillips: Penis. *uproarious laughter from the audience* Gay. *uproarious laughter from the audience* Penis. *standing ovation with laughter from the audience* That's some sample dialogue from my new script, entitled Penis Gay Penis, which I just sold for 8 million dollars.

*the ghost of Paddy Chayefsky appears, tries to kill himself, can't because he's already dead, grabs a bottle of ghost whiskeys, and exits the stage*

And now, the Latte for Best Adapted Screenplay.

In 5th place, John Logan for Hugo!
In 4th place, Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin for Moneyball!
In 3rd place, Steven Zaillian for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo!
In 2nd place, Bridget O'Connor & Peter Straughan for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy!

Penis. *huge laughs* And the winner of the Spilled Latte for Best Adapted Screenplay... Hossein Amini for Drive!

*Amini thanks the Lattes for giving him an award when the Academy didn't even nominate him, shouts out Asghar Farhadi*

Up next, Best Original Screenplay. I just produced an original screenplay, Project X, which will make more than its budget in its opening weekend.

*scream offstage from the ghost of Paddy Chayefsky*

Tied for 5th place, J.C. Chandor for Margin Call and Asghar Farhadi for A Separation!
In 4th place, Woody Allen for Midnight in Paris!
In 3rd place, Mike Mills for Beginners!
In 2nd place, Diablo Cody for Young Adult!

And the winner of the Spilled Latte for Best Original Screenplay... Jeff Nichols for Take Shelter!

*Nichols storms the stage, tosses middle fingers at the Oscars and the Spirit Awards, shouts out Michael Shannon and Demian Bichir*

Longo: Thank you, Todd. Please loan me some money. Next up, to present Best Supporting Actor and Actress, nominees from last year, from Winter's Bone, John Hawkes and Dale Dickey!

*Hawkes and Dickey come out to Marcy's Song from Martha Marcy May Marlene*

Dickey: Character actors have to show strength and versatility in order to continue getting work.
Hawkes: Last year, we both were Latte nominees for playing scary backwoods rednecks.
Dickey: This year, I had a role in True Blood playing a scary backwoods redneck.
Hawkes: I had a role in Martha Marcy May Marlene as a scary backwoods redneck.
*scattered applause*
Hawkes: These similarly versatile nominees did terrific work this year and received nominations as a result.

Dickey: Here is the award for Best Supporting Actress.

Tied for 5th place, Charlotte Gainsbourg for Melancholia and Kim Wayans for Pariah!
In 4th place, Jessica Chastain for Take Shelter!
In 3rd place, Octavia Spencer for The Help!
In 2nd place, Berenice Bejo for The Artist!

And the winner of the Spilled Latte for Best Supporting Actress... Melissa McCarthy for Bridesmaids!

*McCarthy takes the stage in a dress that Kelly Osbourne called "the most gorgeous dress of the evening", tear-filled speech about being beautiful no matter what your weight is, shouts out Demian Bichir*

Hawkes: Here is the award for Best Supporting Actor.

In 5th place, Brad Pitt for The Tree of Life!
In 4th place, Andy Serkis for Rise of the Planet of the Apes!
Tied for 2nd place, Nick Nolte for Warrior and Albert Brooks for Drive!

And the winner of the Spilled Latte for Best Supporting Actor... Christopher Plummer for Beginners!

*Plummer takes the stage, is enormously charming and British, makes joke about having never felt younger, everyone cries, shouts out Demian Bichir*

Longo: Thanks John and Dale, and good luck with your meth addictions. Here to present the awards for Best Actor and Actress, R. Kelly and Blue Ivy Carter!

*mistermaxx cheers wildly, Kelly Osbourne raves that Blue Ivy's dress is "the most gorgeous dress of the evening"*

R. Kelly: Thank you, Mr. Longo. Actors and actresses have to bring their best work every time they perform on camera, something I know all too well.
Blue Ivy: That's right, R. These talented individuals have worked hard their entire careers in hopes that their efforts will result in a Spilled Latte.
R. Kelly: They step in the name of Latte! *Kells and Blue share a banter chuckle*

Blue Ivy: Here's the Best Actress Latte.

Tied for 4th place, Elizabeth Olsen for Martha Marcy May Marlene and Tilda Swinton for We Need To Talk About Kevin!
Tied for 2nd place, Kirsten Dunst for Melancholia and Charlize Theron for Young Adult!

And the winner of the Spilled Latte for Best Actress... Rooney Mara for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo!

*Mara takes the stage, Kelly Osbourne calls her dress "the most gorgeous dress of the evening," Mara doesn't thank anyone or shout out Demian Bichir, everyone boos her*

R. Kelly: Nice nipple piercings, girl. Now, Best Actor.

In 5th place, Jean Dujardin for The Artist!
In 4th place, Gary Oldman for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy!
In 3rd place, Ryan Gosling for Drive!
In 2nd place, Michael Shannon for Take Shelter! *Shannon screams "Not again!" from his table*

And the winner of the Spilled Latte for Best Actor... Michael Fassbender for Shame!

*Fassbender takes the stage, doesn't make a single reference to his penis, everyone boos him*

Longo: Congratulations to Rooney and Michael. Moving right along, it is my personal pleasure to announce Best Director.

In 5th place, Tomas Alfredson for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy!
In 4th place, Jeff Nichols for Take Shelter!
In 3rd place, Terrence Malick for The Tree of Life!
In 2nd place, Steve McQueen for Shame!

And the winner of the Spilled Latte for Best Director... Nicolas Winding Refn for Drive!

*Refn thanks the Lattes for giving him an award when the Academy didn't even nominate him, tells the world he's taking Dale Dickey home at the end of the night, massive applause*

Longo: Finally, to present the Best PIcture award, the man who gave the Spilled Latte its name, the one and only Orbit_Established!

*O_E takes the stage in what Kelly Osbourne calls "the most gorgeous dress of the evening"*

O_E: This year's nominees are some pussy shit, famz. No Warrior nomination, no win for Nick Nolte? Why for are you mad at some manly shit? Tree of Life was the worst fucking latte movie ever made. It was like watching a painting of someone watching paint dry dry. It made me spit out my sushi. Mang.

In 5th place, Hugo!
In 4th place, Tree of Life!
In 3rd place, Take Shelter!
In 2nd place, Shame!

And the winner of the Spilled Latte for Best Picture... no surprise, it's Drive. Mang.

*Demian Bichir accepts on behalf of Drive's producers*

Longo: Well, there you have it, Drive wins four Lattes, tying with The Wrestler and There Will Be Blood for the most Latte wins ever. I look forward to next year, when Quentin Tarantino inevitably receives five nominations for that slave movie! Good night!

*curtains close, credits run*


****** NOMINEES POST *******

Here are the nominees (a.k.a. the Top 5 votegetters) for the Fifth Annual Spilled Latte Awards. Note: some categories may have more than 5 nominees due to a tie in the amount of votes the nominees received. The results are in-- no need to vote on these-- and will be announced the night before the Oscars, in order to steal their shine.

After being mostly snubbed by the Academy, Drive leads the pack with seven nominations, tying with No Country For Old Men for the second highest number of noms for a single film in Spilled Lattes history. Surprisingly, the film with the second most nominations was Jeff Nichols' Take Shelter, garnering six total and boasting more nominations in the "major categories" than any other film.

The Tree of Life received four nominations, marking the first time in Spilled Lattes history that a Best Picture Academy Award nominee has failed to reach five Spilled Latte nominations. Shame, totally snubbed by the Academy, received four as well. Oscar favorites The Artist and Hugo settled for three apiece, tied with Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

Tilda Swinton, Charlize Theron, Diablo Cody, Ryan Gosling, Michael Shannon, Aaron Sorkin, Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross, and Robert Richardson each receive their second-ever nomination, but the rest of the categories are filled with a series of first-timers. Jeff Nichols and Steven Zaillian join the elite ranks of those collecting two nominations in the same year, with Zaillian the first ever to achieve it scoring two writing nominations.

For the first time in Spilled Lattes history, Roger Deakins failed to earn a nomination.

BEST PICTURE:
Drive
Hugo
Shame
Take Shelter
Tree of Life

BEST DIRECTOR:
Tomas Alfredson, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Terrence Malick, Tree of Life
Steve McQueen, Shame
Jeff Nichols, Take Shelter
Nicolas Winding Refn, Drive

BEST ACTOR:
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Michael Fassbender, Shame
Ryan Gosling, Drive
Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Michael Shannon, Take Shelter

BEST ACTRESS:
Kirsten Dunst, Melancholia
Rooney Mara, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Elizabeth Olsen, Martha Marcy May Marlene
Tilda Swinton, We Need To Talk About Kevin
Charlize Theron, Young Adult

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Albert Brooks, Drive
Nick Nolte, Warrior
Brad Pitt, Tree of Life
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Andy Serkis, Rise of the Planet of the Apes

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, Take Shelter
Charlotte Gainsbourg, Melancholia
Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids
Octavia Spencer, The Help
Kim Wayans, Pariah

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Hossein Amini, Drive
John Logan, Hugo
Bridget O'Connor & Peter Straughan, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Steven Zaillian, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin, Moneyball

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
J.C. Chandor, Margin Call
Diablo Cody, Young Adult
Asghar Farhadi, A Separation
Mike Mills, Beginners
Jeff Nichols, Take Shelter

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY:
Sean Bobbitt, Shame
Emmanuel Lubezki, Tree of Life
Robert Richardson, Hugo
Newton Thomas Sigel, Drive
Adam Stone, Take Shelter

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE:
Ludovic Bource, The Artist
The Chemical Brothers, Hanna
Alberto Iglesias, The Skin I Live In
Cliff Martinez, Drive
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Howard Shore, Hugo