>* applause as Andre Royo shows up and pimps across the stage to his seat and sits as the cast teases him*

Andre Royo: So sorry, so sorry. I was getting beat up out in front, you know…

* laughter *

HR: Welcome, Andre. We were just…

(Andre looks around, confused)

WP: Everybody was waiting for you…

* laughter *

AR: Okay, alright…

HR: Everyone was just relating how they got their roles.

AR: Right, right…

HR: And you happened to walk in just in time.

AR: Yeah, the applause was for Deirdre.

DL: ... totally had me fooled. Thanks, Dre.

AR: Hopefully we have a love scene next season, maybe.

* laughter *

AR: I’m next.

* laughter *

* guffaws *

HR: So, tell us how you got this role.

AR: Oh, okay. Um… well, I was good friends with Alexa Fogel, and I was trying real hard, I was trying real hard to impress her and get on Oz. But they said I was a little too skinny and too small for Oz.

* laughter *

AR: I only had two choices on Oz, and they were both… very perverted.

* laughter *

AR: So, when that didn’t work out, you know, I met Tom, and was talking to him, and you know, he got perverted, it was real bad…

* laughter *

AR: … and then, my agent had said (HBO) was starting this new series called The Wire. And I said, you know, is it anything to do with jail, and they said, no.

* laughter *

AR: Just some of it, you know. And, uh, I went in, and I was feeling gre… I remember getting a call, and I was, at first nervous because they said I was going to be playing a junkie. And, you know, first thing on your mind is like, “Aw, a black man, a junkie, this is… this is not the way to go.” But, you know, my pockets were empty, and, you know, that’s not the way to go, either…

* laughter *

AR: So, you know, I did my homework, read the lines, you know, practiced, and studied. And I walked into the room, and it was just a ton of people in there, acting like junkies, and I got real scared.

* laughter *

AR: And when I get scared, you know, I start to mumble a lot….

* laughter *

AR: … so, when I went the room, I was mumbling all over the place, my lines. And they were looking at me like, (whispering) “I think he’s high right now.”

* laughter *

AR: But, you know, there was something about my presence, and I remember Clark Johnson, and I did the scene, and Clark was looking at me and was like, “You can act, huh? You can act.” And I was like, “I (mumbles)”

* laughter *

AR: And I remember Ed Burns and David Simon sitting in the back, looking, and they were just, you know, thinking about it and everything. And Alexa Fogel had her head down next to the guy filming me, and you know, they thought about it, and I left. I felt good. And, you know, I got a call saying, “We like you… so we’re going to California just to look again.”

* laughter *

AR: “So just, just maybe.” And I was like, “Alright.” Then they, you know, went to California, and then they called me back after about a couple of weeks, and said, you know, I booked the part. And I was like, real excited. My wife was packing to go to California. And they were like, “No, in Baltimore.”

* laughter *

AR: So, my wife unpacked…

* laughter *

AR: … and was like, “Yo, see you later. Make sure you come back every weekend with a check.”

* laughter *

* applause *

AR: So, that was it. (to Alexa) So thank you, thank you very much.
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This ain't a scene
it's a
got
damn
arms
race