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Friday, September 08, 2006

What A Wonderful Week It's Been

It's been fantastic every step of the way! First Dr Willis suggested a relaxing trip to one of the resorts I used to visit with my late wife. Apparently I need to 'reconnect' - think of my wife in the context of happier times rather than as a charred corpse murdered BY LORING, that sun-orbiting bitchhag -

What's that you say, Dr Fate? Anger is not the path toward enlightenment? Yes, Dr Fate, yes. What? You think I should take another of my pink pills? But I've had so many already - yes, Dr Fate. You know best. Yes, I'll take one right now. Yes.

Anyway, I figured the best place to 'reconnect' would be in Marseilles, one of the most beautiful and culturally vibrant places on Earth! Of course, when I've had one of my special pink pills, everywhere seems like the greatest city on Earth! And that reminds me, I should really have another. Should I, Dr Fate? Yes. He says yes.

I didn't want to be bothered while I was 'reconnecting', but I was thinking that my old buddies in the Famous Fictional Detectives' Inspirations' Grandfathers' Neighbors Club Of Marseilles might want to know I was in town, so I cleverely used the alias of the guy who was the neighbor of the grandfather of the guy who was the inspiration for Sherlock Holmes. Needless to say, I was expecting Henri or Jean-Luc or one of the other crazy guys in the FFDIGNCOM to turn up dressed as Bob Hepplethwaite or Mrs. Lancaster or another famous neighbour of the grandfather of the real-life person who'd inspired a famous fictional detective. That would've made my weekend!

Instead, who should I look up from my pina colada and see? Bobo.

What's that you say, Dr Fate? I have to be nice to Bobo? He was only trying to help? I should take a pink pill? Yes, Dr Fate. Yes. I should take a pink pill. You're quite right. I must be nice to Bobo. Bobo has a charming personality, he doesn't have a massive drinking problem, and he doesn't smell like an old carpet that's been defecated on by an army of tramps! And he's not a god-damned, greasy, dirty ape bastard who still! After five years and seven months! Has not returned my DVD copy of World's Wierdest Police Chases Vol. III which features a getaway car crashing into my stretchy body and then pinging back to crash into another getaway car, in slow motion! And me and Sheriff John Bunnell giving two thumbs up to the camera! And that damned dirty chimp has been sitting on it for five whole -

Yes, Dr Fate. I'm being unfair. You're quite right. I said all that when he showed up and he had a perfectly good explanation that he lost it in a drinking contest and besides he was bringing me work. I shouldn't snap. Yes, Dr Fate. Yes. Another pink pill? But I only just had one - no, Dr Fate, you can't have too much of a good thing. You're quite right. Yes.

These pink pills certainly are tasty.

Anyway, Bobo had a bit of work for me involving my old detective's club that I left behind like the pathetic bunch of losers they were and the mystical helmet of Dr Fate, which is sitting next to me in this cafe. Apparently Tim Trench put it on and died horribly, which means I can maybe get the thirty bucks he owes me out of his will. Anyway, I heard Bobo was hanging around with all these big-ass mystic types now, so I figured if I brought them in, they'd just do all the work for me. I've noticed that generally if some big magic person gets involved with anything, they'll be the ones to say something like "There are forces here beyond your ken puny mortal, blah blah blah, we must venture to Egypt and the sit of the yadda yadda yadda..." which is a pain in the ass if you're not getting paid, but it's excellent if you are, because you can just sit back and watch the money roll in while some gimp in a Harry Potter costume does all the heavy thinking.

And that's exactly what happened this time! I just sat back, made a few random cryptic comments about this being a desperate crisis and hey presto! A free trip to Egypt and two hundred dollars - without me lifting a finger! Forget magic, baby, this is the Tenth Age of Dibny, and don't you forget it. Anyway, the jet lag was going to be a complete bastard, so I popped a couple of pink pills, and then I had another two because it was so hot -

- and that's when Dr Fate's helmet started to talk to me.

I mean, first it showed me this crazy vision that seemed almost like a hallucination caused by overmedication, but this was definitely real. And then he started telling me what to -

What's that you say, Dr Fate? I have to leave this place and be back about my pilgrimage? I have spent too long with the petty responsibilities of the mortal world? Yes, Dr Fate. Yes, I have spent too long. Yes. No, Dr Fate, there are plenty of pink pills left. I have hundreds of them in my jeep. No, Dr Fate, I've never tried taking five at once. Yes, Dr Fate, that does sound like a great idea.

Well, time to get back to my mystical quest! Like I said, it's been a terrific week of adventure, and I don't need another pink pill to know that next week should be even better! Although having said that, another one wouldn't hurt. Anyway, I should have a moment next week to tell you how it's all going, and I'll let you know if Dr Fate has any instructions for you out there!

Apart from that you should see Dr Robert Willis and get hold of some of his special pink pills. And eat them. Do that now.