>i realize that i may of seriously phucked up some lives
>because i was curious about sexuality at a very young age.
>looking back at it - they were just objects in my learning
>experience, hopefully i was for them too.

I did the same but it was not supposed to be hurtul. We all learned from the experiences. This is why it's sad when adults close themselves off from young people. I don't condone teenage sex (intercourse) but I recognize how important it is to explore. I liked exploration (it didn't hurt me) as a kid/teenager. Later, in college, it was more about sexual conquest and now I am on a totally new & different level.

>>There
>>was no talk about sex...I was left with my books. The next
>>time I kept my mouth shut.
>
>is that the right thing to do though?

I think the books did a better job of explaining the mechanics and I learned about the rest from observation. Sure, it would have been better to talk to my parents about it when I was 13 but there were limits.

>when racism
>hit my household in the third grade (i had to ask my parents
>what 'nigger' meant after i had just beat the living shyt out
>of some kid for saying that's all i was)

I was in the 1st or 2nd grade when a white kid told me to go back to Africa. I told him to go back to Europe. He looked shocked and did not have a comeback. Again, I knew this information from books, not from my parents. I was quite the bookworm.

>he couldn't
>really relate to what i was facing, and the message that was
>sent was. 'educate yourself' and lets not talk about it. race
>wasn't an issue that came up in the home.

I think if more parents were open about these issues there would be less fear and confusion when things happen outside the home. My parents encouraged me to read and I read whatever I could get me hands on.

> first of all - i'm never neutering my dog, its tantamount to
>cutting my own nuts off - i'd rather live vicariously through
>him (especially as a celibate). :-)
> i see the smile that follows your answer, but is it really
>running away? i'm actually facing the facts. that i'm gutter,
>always have been - always will be.

Why? Is that why you choose to be celibate?

> true - it was sexual exploration, and the "imaginative
>scenarios" i acted out at 5 years old were guided by
>television movies, which makes me question how much of our
>sexual identity is our own, and how much is influenced by the
>images that we receive? i mean, maybe i was 5, but i still
>know cats that are trying to act scenes out from movies, just
>to say that they've done it (no creativity)

Must be a guy thing but maybe not. The first time I saw a boy's penis was when I was outside playing hide-n-go-seek (he called me from a window). The same boy got suspended when he tried to do it during show-n-tell (3rd grade). It was innocent, funny, rebellious. I bought him candy, so he could be my protector at school and soon he said he wanted more than candy. That was scary and exciting. I had a vague idea of what he wanted but not a clue about what was supposed to happen or what he was going to do. It was still "play", nothing serious and my mother trusted me. My father bet I would be pregnant by age 16 (he lost the bet).

>it's sad to say - but many of the girls i dated in high school
>- through college - were trophies that boosted my self-esteem,
>and a woman with fake breasts was the "ultimate." they were
>considered the national standard for beauty (still are -
>sadly), and not much different than your 18 year-old trophy -
>because every teenage girl wants to be with the most mature
>boy they can find - and at 13 you must have been the SHIT!

Nah. I was just shy and boys saw that as being coy meaning: "affectedly modest or shy especially in a playful or provocative way". :-) I developed early (age 10) but I had low self-esteem because I didn't fit the standard...but boys seemed interested, anyway. I liked boys my age. Men meant trouble (especially as a teen).

>amongst all your friends. you had reached the pinnacle in
>your local dating standards. what guides that? friends?
>elders? mass-mediums?

To the elders in my community, I was smart, different, and going places. They were so afraid I would get knocked up or worse. I think there were higher expectations for me and my sister. My friends were getting knocked up right and left. They were getting into trouble and I was the "good girl". They thought if their parents saw them with me they could get away with stuff. I learned from them what not to do.