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Forum nameOkay Activist Archives
Topic subjectHere I go.
Topic URLhttp://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=22&topic_id=19344&mesg_id=19418
19418, Here I go.
Posted by HotThyng76, Tue Dec-12-00 11:53 AM
When I was a boy, I did some time as a seriously devout Christian. I read most of the Bible, went to church regularly, tried to live right...alla dat. Everything was basically w/me and "God" until I was a sophomore in high school. That was when the latent sexual thoughts I had about men for as long as I can remember started to become explicit. I was definitely NOT under anyone's influence nor was I being recruited. The thoughts/feelings were coming from within. But I'd learned in my church that homosexuality is a sin. So I didn't believe it was really happening to me - I couldn't conceive of being gay cuz it was so far outside of "God's graces". Well, the feelings/thoughts became increasingly difficult to ignore and all sources were telling me I was gonna end up in hell if I didn't do something. So I did what any good Christian would do...I prayed about it. I prayed and prayed and prayed...I mean I FELL ON MY FACE IN PRAYER...("Lord take this cup from me")...this went on for a good year or so. I never heard an answer.

In my Jr. year, while all this was going on, I was studying the history of the Christian church in school and I learned many things that disturbed me. I was particularly disturbed by the editing of the Bible that occured in about 400AD or so. All of a sudden, I wasn't so sure that everything in the Bible was God's word. That thought blew my head. I started to question everything I'd ever learned as far as my religious beliefs were concerned. My church had me believing I was destined for hell not just b/c of the gay thing, but b/c I listened to secular music too. I knew that was bullshit. I did much soul searching over the course of the next 3 years. I don't remember when it happened, but somewhere in there I finally got my answer. The answer came in the form of supreme peace. It washed over me. To me it meant that whoever God is, God is fine with who I am and I shouldn't allow ppl to make me feel all conflicted about "my soul".

I no longer believe that the Christian concept of God is "correct". I should say, correct for me. I definitely DO NOT believe JC is the ONLY way to access God. There several other paths. I also don't believe in Satan. I believe Satan is a construct of Church leaders, actually. Anyway...I said all that to say as a gay man, I'm not worried about what the Bible says about who I love. If God created us, he created me this way. I don't believe in Heaven and Hell, so the thought of damnation isn't a factor for me.