11751, RE: always keep yr eyes|
Posted by cued, Sat Sep-22-01 06:25 PM
I wanted to tell you something.
I have been smoking for four years now. It started when my mother kicked me out... for being a fag... but the story is a lot more complex than that. I came out to her when she was engaged to this dude named John who told her that he was breaking things off because I made him feel uncomfortable. Although she later found out he was sleeping with someone else, it stuck and so out of her fear that their was a drop of truth to it, she wanted to keep me away from her new relationship "the one" and I got the shaft in the form of a letter telling me not to come home a week before I was supposed to go home.
While I was playing around with smoking around that time, after that summer, which was so hard and rough, it became a mainstay.
Now, four years later on the otherside of that reality, I am looking at it and realizing, that I should indeed quit. It has screwed up my voice just minorly, but what has it done to my body?! And as a coping mechanism, it ain't really doing shit anymore... not to mention smoking in dry-assed Tucson just hurts your throat even more.
Although people have lauded me on my ability to feel, I consider myself a thinker as my mind and body are quite connected. However, to make such a decision would take an agreement between the two. My body is all like: Stop putting that shit in me, damnit! As my throat swells from the natural allergic reaction I have to smoking. However, my mind was all like: But I need to keep calm or else people will treat me funny and I don't wanna be treated funny... and I _DON'T_ wanna gain weight.
Well, today, I smoked only ONCE in six hours. I was at a chorus retreat and I felt weird about smoking when it so obviously is bad for my voice. But what I noticed was that amid all the zany looniness that accompanies nicotine-depletion from the blood system, I realized that I was being very, very true to myself. I am some strange mix of very serious and very quirky.
But the reason why I am telling you all this is because I was thinking about what you said about changing your mindset -- changing how you THINK about things, in your, and my, case smoking.
Slowly, but it's happening, I am changing my thinking around the "why Quentin smokes". What I realize, right now, is that it is not to keep my calm, but to suppress my shine because people can't always tolerate or know what to do with someone like me who shines so brightly.
Well... they gone have to figure out what to do with themselves all over again.
"americans are gross!" -utamaroho
"We are the end result of our ancestors prayers as they died. We you are the sum total of their answered prayers."
"I am because we are; we are because I am."
"falling in love with somebody's soul...their essence their personality their walk their talk the way they speak and smile...no matter what the physical outer body is..male or female...is a temptation i hope i am never foolish enough to resist." - Hot Damali