If you don't like something I said, feel free to change it. Just work your own corrections and improvements in as you like (I've always been interested in collaborative writing, but I never get a chance to do it really. Kind of disappointing...) Or just send it on to bigpo, whatever, but I figured I'd give you a chance to look at it first.

STARTING LINE-UP:

PG - Jason Kidd
SG - Tayshaun Prince
SF - Larry Legend
PF - Shawn Motherfucking (and I mean literally) Kemp
C - Willis Reed

BENCH:

SF/SG - Andrew Toney
PF/SF - Paul Silas
C - Vlade Divac

GAMEPLAN:

This team is all about the fast-break. Jason Kidd is one of the fastest PGs baseline to baseline in the history of the NBA and Shawn Kemp lives to run and dunk. Larry's slow white ass will inevitably be trailing, but that's a good thing because he'll be able to knock down 3s if, by some flaw in the natural world, Shawn Kemp is actually prevented from dunking. It's basically going to be NBA Jams in real life, with dunks or long-balls on nearly every possession.

With Artest and Rodman on the same team, it shouldn't be too hard to make them explode. Larry Legend is one of the most notorious shit-talkers in the history of the NBA, and you better believe he'll have an earful for those kids. Can you imagine what Artest would do when the blonde-mulleted, rat-stash-having, short-short wearing kid from French Lick tells him exactly how he's going to light him up and then lights him up? If that doesn't get Artest going, it's a simple matter to have Kidd slap him, as we all know he's quite fond of that.

Should these tactics fail to drive Rodman and Artest insane, we are going to send Basaglia a front-row ticket to the game, because that motherfucker just might be crazier than Artest and Rodman combined. With those three personalities in the same arena, somebody's going to snap, and I can't say for certain exactly who is getting punched in the ey by whom, just that it is going to happen.

MATCH-UP:

KIDD v. NASH:
The Disgraced Wife-Beater v. the White Savior of PHX. Nash can't play D, Jason is going to run him out of the building. And then slap him like the bitch he is.

TAYSHAUN v. WADE:
Has anybody else noticed that Dwyane spells "Dwayne" wrong? Anybody too dumb to spell their own name right isn't winning in a legends contest, pure and simple.

The last name "Prince" is kind of fruity, but at least it's spelled right.

LARRY LEGEND v. PIPPEN:
If we want to talk about bad dads, let's talk about Pippen. It's a testament to the ability of NBA stars to pull tail when a mealy-mouthed motherfucker with a stupid horse face can father as many illegitimate children as Pip did. The more interesting match-up might be Shawn Kemp's brood v. Pippen's brood, but we'd have to wait a few years for that one.

Either way, nobody can stop Larry legend. Nobody. Plus Pip is an overrated second wheel.

MO'FUCKING KEMP v. RODMAN:
Here, I put a video on youtube.com for everyone. And oh yeah, even Rodman's fucked up hairstyles can't keep Kemp's eyes from being locked on the rim. No amount of foul play or stupid headgames interfere with Kemp's singular mindset on dunking. That dude is mashing the ball every time he touches it.

Anyway, enjoy this video, it's a good one:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=pxQq1tUw6NM

REED v. ALCINDOR:
I don't know who the fuck Willis Reed is, but I know Kareem is bad. I won't lie, there's no arguing that Kareem is going to fucking handle this Willis character. What the hell was shelly thinking passing on Jabbar?

BENCH v. BENCH:
There is a man on this bench whose nickname is the Boston Strangler. I defy you to find a better NBA nickname than that, that's bad, and trust when Artest and Rodman and Basaglia all start flipping their lids, this mo'fucker will make good on that nickname. He's going to make Wayne Brady looking like the shucking and jiving house negro that he is.

Also, Vlade Divac is the KING of the guile. Let's not forget his part in driving Rodman and Artest insane. He's going to flop early and flop often, and then he's going to get up and complain to the referee about the call. These Eastern European cats spent decades getting free hand-outs and Vlade knows ALL about getting his. Count an extra 2 offensive fouls on any guy that Vlade guards for more than 3 minutes.

CONCLUSION:

There will be a brawl in this game because, honestly, Artest and Rodman are two of the craziest fuckers ever to step foot on court. Basaglia will be right behind their bench screaming his head off about the dumbest shit the world has ever heard, and his constant yells of "Bad Dad" directed at Bird are going to confuse the shit out of Pippen and Kemp until they're on their toes and ready to flip as well. The tension will be high, and then enter the kid from French Lick with the goofiest demeanor, the biggest mouth, and the nastiest game.

As far as the brawl goes, I have to admit Shawn probably has an edge. Artest is the definition of gully and Kareem is going fitting to let some loose with some serious black rage. Then again, Rodman might just put a fucking wedding dress on and go do push-ups in the locker room while it happens, and Jason Kidd is going to slap the shit out of that Canadian bitch Nash. I'm not sure how Tayshaun would hold up, but those long, skinny kids are always trouble in a brawl. Plus we know Vlade's got some dirty, streets of Eastern-Europe super sneaky thug shit somewhere in his bag. He'll murk Dwyane Wade and Dale Ellis by himself, and before anyone even realizes what he did he'll be half-way through his third cigarette. So nix the first sentence, bshelly's team is taking the scrap, because, seriously, Shawn's team has a dude that wore a wedding dress in public. Let's not forget that.

So after Shawn's team gets murked and the resultant ejections, both injury and suspension will prevent him from fielding five men. bshelly's team wins on a technicality through good street-fighting and leveler heads getting lighter suspensions by not acting like insane motherfuckers in the post-game press conference.