my christmas still smells
like old spice and visitation rights
like my daddy
who wears a pinky ring
that hurts him if I hold his hand too tight
so i don't
i just walk behind him in the airport
trying to catch up
but we don't speak
cause airports are noisy
and so
is his red sport car
thats his favorite color
so
i wear red ribbons in my hair even though my color is purple
but he doesn't see it though
cause he's too busy
driving
to grandma's house
where he said i would drop my bags off
and if I hurried back to the car
this time
he would take me
to chucky cheese or somewhere place like that
doesn't matter to me
i remember
running fast
down hall ways bumping my knees
on concrete
trying to make it back up the hill where he parks
but he's always gone
and
i hate this house that sits on a hill
i hate the way it doesn't smell old spice
i walk back down to the door
trying to sniff my flower dress
to see if I smell like him
and smile
cause i do
i did, i mean
until my scenery
changed
i changed too
he says
my cousin that is
tells me i changed
cause the last time he saw me i was
this high
and that wide
and now i am
changed
he said
smiling at my flower dress
he reminds me of my daddy
'cept he smiles at me
so i smile
back
to grandma's house
where she is signing silent night in the kitchen
off key
not listening
as my cousin tells me
lets play downstairs
in the family room
thats what fulton county basements
are converted
to
so i follow
and he leads me
to believe that
a monsta stays behind the washer and dryer
and i run
and we laugh
and play freeze tag
until we get tired of playing
so he says
lets pretend
and we do
the basement becomes our pretend house
the pillows are our pretend children
he pretends to be the daddy
and i pretend to be asleep
while grandma keeps singing
alllllllll issssss caalllmmmm
alllllll isssssss riiiiiiggggghhhttttt
she doesn't know the words to the song
and i forget to scream
rooooouuunnnddd yourrrr virginnnnnn
mmmmooottthhheeerrr and chhhhiiillldddd
i think she singing about me
so
i lay
silently
and she skips a versus
just for me
sllllllleeeeeeppppp iinnnnn heeeeaavenly pppeeeeaaaceeee
sllleeep innnn heaven-ly peaceeeee
she is finished singing now
so
she can come and
save me
open the door
walk down the creeking stairs
yell thats its time for dinner
cause
she's finished singing
but he's still pretending
smelling like
sweat and now & laters
sweet youth
his sweet youth is
choking me
and grandma ain't singing
so why the fuck didn't she
save me
how can she sing
holy songs
'bout baby jesus
and mary
and not come
and
save
me
from
choking
on sweet youth mixed with mildew
that keeps clinging to my memories
cause this ain't the first time
grandma forget to save
me
and
my momma forgot to save me
telling me to save myself
for marriage
but never told me bout playing house
just always said "jesus wants you to
save your flowers"
but
my jesus forgot to save me
too
and i don't care about the flowers
on my dress
getting dirty
he just better not take my smell away
he better not take my old spice smell away
he better not
take it
but he did
he got up
put my smell in his pocket
ran up the creeky stairs
and gave my grandma
a kiss
on her fat cheeks
while I was downstairs
in her family room
trying to smell my daddy
again
but
my flowers have lost their scent.

-be yo nd.
______________________

- Thanks and Praise to the ((MOST HIGH)) and ((ANCESTORS)) for words that I didn't know I remembered.

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