dear a.k

*deep breath*

i'm not bugging (seriously) but you know something? i always thought we were destined to be together forever and ever because, for a start, our initials were identical. we were matched up from the start and no matter what we did or didn't do about it, we'd end up together, cause that's just the way things were supposed to happen. that's the way i used to think about us. you wrote me my first love letter and i read it and reread it so much till it fell apart (or maybe i threw it away. my memory fails me). those simple words on blue paper - you gave it to me as we were lining up for assembly. i read it in the bathroom in a hurry. i was stunned. they were all the world to me. we were so scared of each other and when we ended up in mrs. waweru's std.5 class (remember that? and then we had tutions at her house together too?), man, i have no idea how we survived except only because we were assigned seats across the room from each other. and you'd have bhavna do the dirty work of being your emissary. yeah, i guess i still remember that. across the world it seemed. and that's where you are right now, so i guess that that was meant to be too. then in std.6 - or was it 7, you painted me those watercolor tulips. (tulips always remind me of you now.) you were always so good with your hands and i acquired my fixation with fingers and hands and calves from looking at yours. your swimmer's body was marvelous but i only thought about it after i couldn't see you anymore. funny. i hung those tulips on my wall so long till the dust dried the glue and made them fall. i wished i could re-pot them somehow and grow them. you gave me my first valentine's card - sealed it with candle wax. you made it yourself and wrote some obscure poem in it - your handwriting was so awful and it took me forever to read it and reread it. i never understood that poem, but i was sure i would one day - that you'd make me understand how much you loved me one day. i was so full of affection for you that day, i thought i would burst (of course, i had many days like that). and even when beatrice and aisha flirted with you (aisha really really liked you by the way) it was OK because i knew that i had your heart. you certainly had mine. we never even kissed. i've always wondered what that would have felt like. did you? it would have been nice for you to be my first kiss. (you're blushing now, aren't you? you always blushed so easily). and when i moved across the oceans, i didn't think things would happen so fast; no time for goodbyes. i thought we'd always be around each other, that there was no rush, that we could be enamored kids forever, and naturally, we'd always be together. i don't know what i did with those precious letters and cards. i've been trying to find them since i left. i'm afraid i might have thrown them all away in a fit of rage because you tended to be so ambiguous sometimes and my temper tended to be so short back then. our house got broken into a lot; maybe they were stolen after my mom turned my room into a storage space. i think i remember tearing the paintings of the tulips to pieces (another one of my fits) because you'd hurt me so much and i just wanted to forget you. . . forget that i ever let you worm your way deep into my heart and then just leave - without a single word. it's been almost 8 years now. the letter i wrote you with a bleeding red biro inbetween those years in my desperation of losing you scared you so much that i didn't hear from you for a long time. i didn't mean to do that. i'm sorry. you've still never told me why you were so scared of us when it was you that got this whole thing started. you had me so confused then. perhaps i still am (about that anyway). remember how everyone thought we would end up together, even my mother. she liked you a lot. she still asks about you. sometimes i tell her i have no idea how you are cause i haven't heard from you in a while. you were my dreams for many nights that summer after 10th grade. i thought i was going to die and i thought that my hope and your love were the only things keeping me alive. that's when i wrote you that damned letter. i had no other outlet for my thoughts. you were the only person i could see myself getting married to for the longest time (back when we all wanted to get married some day). God i loved you. i never stopped. it's just different now. i'd have liked to hurt you. to make your heart feel so tight in your chest that you couldn't breathe. to make you feel so desperate. i'd have liked to break your heart just to teach you a lesson. nobody's broken my heart yet quite like you did - so i guess i'm thankful that you were the first; hardened me up for a mean world. i miss you so much. i know you've changed. i have too, quite a bit. but you're still not out of my system and that bothers me, because no matter how i change, no matter who i meet - that part of me never seems to change. i'd have no problem telling you this if i knew you wouldn't shut me out - if i only knew you'd respond, if only to insult and tell me never to speak to you again, if only to appease my curiousity and hyperactive imagination, if only to say something . . . anything, for the sake of getting me to shut up about this already. at least that way i'd know where to steer. it's silly cause i do find myself thinking that one day we'll meet up again and i'd just dazzle you and you'd wonder why you were so scared of loving me and you'd wonder how you could possibly go on without me. you'd fall in love with me all over again and then i'd smash your heart to pieces. (lol - i probably wouldn't know what to do with you if that ever happened). it's just a thought. i'm naive; i just can't imagine never seeing you again - no matter how far apart we continue to live from each other, no matter how long. i would like to move on (far far away from you, figuritively, of course. i've already done that physically) - this isn't a "come back to me, i need you so bad" letter, so please, you can stop packing for that ego trip that you were about to take. and it's not like i think about this everyday - i did at one point but it takes certain things now to bring me to this point. so, dear dear a., this is just to say that it was nice being the first love of someone like you. i do respect you and admire how much you have and will accomplish. you're going to make some gal happy someday even though you may be the prototype of MY perfect man . . . i think. i realize now that you are to me only an idea, my imagination in 3D, some fuzzy memory. i probably wouldn't like you if i saw you today; i don't kid myself into thinking that you feel anything close to what i feel (if i can even define what that is - probably just good ole nostalgia) or look like the boy i remember (why don't you just send me a picture and stop being so difficult); i'd just like to talk about some things (and not on instant messenger), very honestly and openly because we're both grown now and i'm hoping you can handle yourself a little better. i'd love nothing more than to keep you as a friend forever so that one day we can both look back at this and laugh. i've known you, after all, since i was 9. that's got to be worth something today, no? i just hope you're not scared because there's nothing to be scared of, silly - it's just me . . . angie . . . writing you a simple letter. i have a way of sticking my foot into my mouth, and this may be one of those times, but you don't need to be scared of me. i'm harmless. really . . . and you're j

*sigh*

peace,
ak



~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
I'm attracted to the ocean
but I don't know how to
swim. ©Deph Defiance
07.08.02

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
Pero no amo tus pies
sino porque anduvieron
sobre la tierra y sobre
el viento y sobre el agua,
hasta que me encontraron.
-from "Your Feet" by Pablo
Neruda.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
mamazgun
shot from the "hip" for eyes to lick and her ways't to rock
c'l'ocks stop to listen to the
tick tock of time when she rhymes
and frees style to walk the runaway.
-(C)MUSE 07.19.02