I don’t know if I ever talked to you before but I figured “what the hell.” Seems like it’s an okay thing to do. Remember when we went to the psychic and she said you share everything with others and hide everything from yourself? Do you think it’s true? I am beginning to think so. I’m mad at you. You fuck up all the time. And it’s just some old irresponsible type shit. Don’t finish what you start. Mostly because I know you are so scatterbrained. Paint, cook, cry, write, hold baby, work, laugh, love, ooh-look at those shoes, listen to that! Never taking time to really put an order to things. It’s one big mess if you ask me girl. Trying to do too much. Damn near bipolar. Trying to save the world one minute and hiding under the covers crying the next. Get it together honey! Let yourself be. I hate you but I love you. So indecisive but beauty springs forth at the strangest time and I love you all over again. Les, please stop fussing about your body. It is what it is. Forget the stretch marks, battle scars, and inadequacies by Western culture’s standards. What DO you like? Love your eyes. They still sparkle when they should have went dull a long time ago. Celebrate the curves you try to hide. Aint nothing wrong with the rear end God gave us! Don’t hide it! What I’m trying to say is, darling, try not to be so hard on yourself. Put no one else’s dreams above your own! Are they not worthy of seeing the light of day? Share. Or try to. Maybe you will open doors you never imagined. Whatever you decide to do, make it because it is what YOU want to do. Stop trying to change into whatever HE wants you to be. Fill in the blank for the HE… daddy, him, other, sons. In that “being” I think you will find the peace you’ve been looking for. Don’t go crazy trying to analyze why he didn’t love you! He didn’t. That’s all that matters. I know he seemed like your last hope at falling into the head-over-heels-16-again-honest-type-love but there has got to be more. I know you wanted to laugh, kiss, hug,share, have conversations about how to free black folk with him but it’s not going to happen! Yes, he seemed like a revolutionary but make a revolution out of finding yourself. Can’t look for validation in him, your ex-husband, lost first love, or dysfunctional daddy. Find some value in YOU first and then maybe someone better will come along and acknowledge it. And if they don’t… there YOU are. Amazing, radiant, intellectual, spiritual, god/blessed, and phenomenal. Needing no one else.
I love you girl!
Les

*I have read a lot of other peoples posts but never did my own. I feel better getting some of this out.*

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"Everybody wants the hero. Who just wants the man? Who fights with his devils and does the best he can. Everybody wants a player. I just want a friend..." Jill Scott

"The universe will reward you for taking risks on its behalf" Unknown