It's like I just told Robyn "It's not a matter of wanting to, it's a matter of what is" I do not WANT to feel this way but it IS how I feel. I acknowlege the fact that people are drawn to me, want to be in my company, and even want to be like me (I am a very infectious person) but FEELING it is another story. When there is no force behind words then they lose their value. So logically I know this but since there is no reinforcement they hold no weight to me. Also, EYE know logically that I am nice to look at (If you ask me I'm as cute a button LOL) but I'm not reassured of this for whatever reason or another. What I know and what I am shown are complete opposites (Contradictions).

>You have to see you flaws as unique to you and beautiful and
>know that there is someone out there who will love you for all
>of your so-called flaws and not inspite of them.

I am beginning to accept my flaws and as far as having someone who will love me for them and not inspite of them that is Lik (And vise versa) I'm growing up without a father now but I am the opposite. I actually run from emotion by nature (Many reasons for that) This is completely understood but his company does not HELP me feel better. I AM better with him. What I gain from him has nothing to do with the physical at all. I get the encouragement, reassurance and extra strength that I need to get up off my ass and get myself out of a situation I felt I had no control of. I understand the whole "we must first love ourself before we can have someone love us" type thing but to be honest everyone is not completely there just yet (Like myself). So does that mean in the mean time I must do without love? Who knows how long it will take for me to handle these things I am battling with. The essentials he provides that I have done without for so long are what's needed now and I think it would be foolish of me to do without because I don't have my shit together. I have made so much progress this year alone that I would have never accomplished by myself (I know because I have been trying to do so) He accepts me NOW, he accepts my incomplete self NOW, and I need that NOW. And no, I have never asked him to be more than who he is. If I want him to accept me for me then I have to do the same (It's only fair) So you better believe that as much as he does for me I have, will, and am doing the same for him. To do any less would not be satisfactory ESPECIALLY considering who it is I'm discussing (A whole other story) I guess no one other than he and I know just how healthy we are for each other but it's fine because you can't expect someone to understand something they aren't living.

>And girl, you need to start eating!!!

I eat. The question is how much. I have never been a big eater anyway (I'm more of a snacker) but the problem is when I get to a certain point I can go all day and food will not be on the mind at all. Then after doing that for so long it is now a habit in the sense that I can literally forget to eat. How it started and why is a long ass story and some details I'm not even sure about myself but the fact remain that it happens. When I wrote this I was at a very low point but my mindstate is a little bit different now. Now my eating habits are just weird. I still don't eat a lot cause I have never been a big eater but I'm not as distructive (Again, long story)

>Much love, and again thanks for being so open and honest.
>It's good to see people that strong and that brave.

Like I told someone before. "Sometimes no matter how much happiness surrounds you you still feel lonley and insecure so in an effort to do away with those unwelcomed feelings I'm gonna but it on shout. The truth shall set you free is not just scripture, but truth within itself. If somethings are allowed to live in the darkness they can hold you hostage, torture you, and damage your insides, but when brought to the light they can't survive. They can't hide in the corners of your soul and they can't live. Easier said then done cause we are made fear the damage of these demons more than we crave our own freedom but because I know it's something that must be done I'll just have to take it all in stride and bear it like a soilder because bondage and I were never friends to begin with" Thank you for the kind words but in all honesty I don't think it has anything to do with me being strong and brave, trying to be strong and brave is what gets my ass in trouble. I think it has to do with me being afraid for my life, specifically my peace of mind, and knowing that the only way to save myself is to be weak and cowardly for once in my life (If that makes any sense to you) Sorry for the long ass response but you made me think about a few things and that is always welcome.