this is long and wack.. and imcomplete.. but it's about my TRUE feelings ( infact, I WISH for someone to read this and tell me how they relate)
It's hard for me to write about my genuine feelings because I go through this constant battle right here:
1) I often feel like people can't relate because my feelings are not cliche.. and are very deep
2) sometimes I feel like a herb for feeling this way
3) but then I dont care what people think
4) while im writing these sappy emotions my pride gets in the way and stops me again (cuz i feel like these feelings are not reciprocated so why deliver them???)
and because of this I have like 6 beginnings and no endings...

or random flashing thoughts...
BUT YO

i wanna reveal the TRUTH...that's what it is...
but im not sure what that is .. czu this situation I'm constantly yearning for never had any closure..


but anyway, here's an explanation I wrote:

Sometimes I wanna die… cuz I feel that I found my soul-mate, husband, love of my life about four-years ago.. and I can’t get past it.
I mean, I thought I got past it since I was in other relationships, and it had been years.. until this cat went to my college .. that was almost EXACTLY like him… he was almost the same height, with dreds, an emcee, even raised by his grandmother.. lol and I liked him A LOT… but he wasn’t “him”.. and as soon as I was able to separate the two… I realized what I was doing.
I had totally recreated the atmosphere with this new guy that I had when I met “him”. All his boys were lyricists of some sort, I would go to this (college) guy’s shows, and write lyrics with this new guy as I had in the past with “him”. But anyway, this guy ended up hurting me (he had a girl ~sigh~) I was really hurt because I guess I felt that I had another chance to feel that way again. My expectations were all wrong, and actually it kind of devastated me to the point where I can’t be in any more relationships. I mean, I have (guy) friends… but I can’t open up again.
I even let myself gain weight n shit cuz I feel it will “protect” me from guys telling me anything to be with me n shit. Its kinda a test to one day receive a love that’s genuine. Especially because how it ended with my son’s father (in 1998), then “him” in about 99’, then I was in a 2.5 year relationship (which I pushed the guy away the whole time because he couldn’t measure to the love I had received from “him”…inbetween that 2.5 year one I also had another relationship where poetry was written and intimate feelings were exchanged, but it was all artificial.)
So, without coming across like a complete victim, I’m here to say today. I’m totally broken. I try to use my emotions constructively (between raising my 6-year-old, maintaining school/work, etc) in poetry.
But its kinda wack to write all your poems in this melancholic state. But I have to write about this pain.. until it just goes away.. or something.. DON'T I??????????

But I guess what hurts me the most is I’m not sure that the only man I ever truly loved, ever truly loved me (it sure seemed like it)(and YES, I’ve loved before and after but it was not even equivalent in any way.. I truly believe that I will NEVER find a love to match.. and I’d rather be alone) .. It's a daily battle... I often wish of him being with me... or if I do something... I know he would have been one of the only people that understood, or would have appreciated it
Maybe it's not just him (protection words) maybe its the ambiguousness of my whole past...
CAN I FUCKING HEAL???????????????????? WILL I???????????
Cuz the reality is.. he’s gone, and yo.. he don't give a fuck about me cuz he would have come back
I aint the type of broad to sit here and act like everything is cool when it's messed up.. and I hurt, daily...
So I continue, until one day… I have some type of revelation.

(shift: anger)

I CANNOT EVOLUTIONIZE TO MINIMIZE THE SIMPLICITIES OF LOVE!~
no matter how i build intellectually,financially, physcologically,etc
my priority is love.
WHY?? should i turn off my genuine,deep emotions cuz the superficial world thrives off of unemotion, deviation, manipulation... AND THINGS THAT ARE TEMPORARY
WHY?? should i get past this (and all my other pain)... so i can't write from a distraught perspective, and create such deep,meaningful poems?
fuck you. this is me. FUCK YOUR POPULARITY CONTEST, FUCK YOUR TRENDS
jump off a fucking cliff because your "emcee" said so.
BITCH... I contain LOVE
somthing far greater than your temporary fixes
and dont think I'm weak because of it
I'LL FIGHT IT TO THE END!
I KNOW I'LL FIGHT THAT SHIT TO THE END!
CUZ I BELIEVE.. and HOPE IS GREATER THAN YOURSELF!

aight.... here's the beginning of my TRUTH!

(shift) idealism

I may parish before i reveal my soul
I kneel at the foot of the synagage like some war-defeated man.
"I have fought for this my whole life, whole life, and when I achieved it.. it left"
>equivalent to:
smudging my lipstick with his fingertips
him, holding me at an angle with his palm supporting my head...
he gazes over me.. in some hovering position...some protective position... my eyes are half-moon shaped, as I look back at him...I AM SAFE NOW, IN HIS ARMS.forever.

I never thought I could collapse like this. I just journeyed back 300 years to where they wrote in emotional outbursts...
and the Gods looked at me on my knees and said
"fighting woman, you have gritted your teeth long enough... fall now, to the earth and become as plush as the grass, mesh solely with your other half now, look no more"
my lips quivered and I fell, and fell and fell and fell.. perpetually...

shift: (elation)
You don’t understand, how i feel for him!
HE IS SAVED, AND TREASURED IN THE DEEPEST ROOTS OF MY SOUL
songs flash as I write..selected clips play.. that apply to my love
I would prove it like some warrior princess, IF I had another chance...
He helped me grow and develop self-awareness, intellect and originality
He showed me real love
He was patient with my bubbliness and immaturity
He NEVER said anything rude or ignorant to me, never ever said some bullshit (yo shorty wanna fuck?)
We shared deep, intimate feelings with eachother (we said we loved eachother over and over and over and over) lol
He wasn’t afraid to share his deepest feelings with me (yo he didnt care what people thought.. he would display it infront of others)
He was hard to others and soft with me (lol curse people out, but never said shit mean to me)
We did stupid things together (cracked on people, made up corny ass words)
YO he wrote me 100 ways why he loved me.. indepthly, as the best christmas present of my life(each number had some lengthy explanation)
we could talk about anything from taking a shit to, our past pains

I cant write anymore, it's still bothering me!!!!!!!... I gotta go back... Ima add more..
I'm a herb, thank you for reading (running from spotlight)


-Stephani
peep www.3kingsmusic.com and post ur poems on the forums! Support independent, positive hiphop!
peep my lil' page (pic) http://www.webspawner.com/users/delicateaurasoul/index.html

I'm a H.E.R.B.
Holotyped Existance
Rhetoric Bound

The new me is like: A woman killed in ruffles; falling to the ground with her hair spread out; her wrist secreting ambiant neon blood
Juggling the moon and stars in palms; with the flecks in the eyes turning globes confetti like yearns of non-existant love...
Running in barefoot brooks; with the moon arching its reflection up the aching backs where he holds onto my hips and sways me
my dreams are:
Renewing again amoungst the mating mossrocks stay satiated coining a pith in a breathy palms; so so sappy drenching dreary destiny to bloody toned walls
my heart calls: callused and waving kites colors hues meshing, please feel me- I'm so-so soft- scratching like cat napes, round and female with sun-dresses blowing passion.. kiss the wind swiveling tears on cheeks, the light beams behind my curls, I pose and bleeeeeeed with pain on my sleeve...
engulf: anger,sadness, happiness changing to squared rolling wheels, penetrate the projections of emotional mattresses... I feel open.. constantly.. dream of my transparent body unzipping my skin and stepping out of me.. and I run to cotton-candy padded fields and glow with bliss, and he will wait with his arms open- like that of jesus and view me- patiently...cuz he knows I tripped on my way there and I'm all bruised... ~ me