19627, RE: I feel lost....|
Posted by the_best_part, Wed Sep-10-08 06:46 AM
i can definitely relate to this. my children inspired me. all of those revolution type, politically charged, stand up, be proud, fight for freedom, pro black man, etc, poems, inspired by them. i have so many poems that are basically taken from conversations i'd had with them. even the poems not directly related to them...just knowing that i had two beautiful sons, healthy and of sound mind and body, put me at ease and relaxed me enough to be able to open up and just share what was in my heart and mind.
when sunny was killed a part of me just closed off, shut down, died with him. i have alot to be thankful for tho. the child he left behind, my other son, the fact that i havent gone completely insane. my people dont understand. they think if anything, i should have a plethora of stuff to write about now. i do, really, but i just cant get it out. and when i do write, most of the time i just dont want to share it. that part of me that usta be open wide is now just a tiny pin hole of light. i think eventually, it'll come. but im not rushing it or pressing the issue.
after he died, going thru his belongins a few months later. i found a few notebooks where he had written his rhymes in, some essay type auto bio stuff, some short stories. some of the pages were just doodles of my name, his name, his brother and his girl's name. he was really into graf-art. finding those notebooks, reading that material, it wasnt a bad thing. they didnt reveal anything i didnt know about him and his feelings already. we were very close, talked about everything. if anything it was comforting to have his words, his writing, his penstrokes to hold on to. so maybe, depending on the material you have of nikki's. maybe it wont be a bad idea to send to her family. maybe it will help them, yanno. def make a copy for yourself since it was meant for you to have it as well. and do you really think that she still wouldnt want others to see what she left behind?