Go back to previous topic
Forum nameFreestyle Board Archives
Topic subjectDown For Me
Topic URLhttp://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=20&topic_id=15019
15019, Down For Me
Posted by Shakeet Lokh Em, Tue May-24-05 03:37 PM
Peace Queen, my Goddess, you been with me through it all//
Got me open now, I was once a puzzle only you could solve//
Been tamed through fifteen years of mountains and craters//
Gassed you up sayin I would change, I had you drownin in vapors//
Confirmation of God wasnít at the time of our first childís birth//
It was the fact that you stayed with me when I was at my lowest worth//
You loved me even when all of your family told you to stay away//
Believed in me when my own mother had my coffin on lay-a-way//
Never did me dirty when I was hustlin, you had patience perfected//
You kept us connected/ you only got upset when I got apathetic//
Itís not my absent fatherís fault, or the governmentís blatant neglect//
Because only I can make the decision to show myself some respect//
Makin me look in the mirror of my son, until I finally understand//
That gold fronts in my mouth and a gun will never make me a man//
Remember when you got pregnant, I told you to get rid of the baby//
And you said youíd kill me first, no ifís, mightís, or maybeís//
You saved me/ not just from the crack rock or glocks bustin on blocks//
But also from my close-mindedness that kept my brain in a locked box//
I tore down my mental ghetto walls and freed my gray matter//
To the love factor/ deep in the book of life so now I turn the next chapter//
And itís you, all smiles, all trust, all joy, all love//
An olive branch and a dove/ we stay getting burns from rugs//
After I came home from a year locked in Minimum Security//
I promised to release you from my juvenile subliminal tyranny//
12 months of patiently waitin, you never disrespected our home//
Never cheated, said I was the only king that would sit on your throne//
As the time goes pass/ for every calendar that we throw in the trash//
Itís more evident that we in a marathon and not a 40 yard dash//
So we gonna last/ longer than any fad/ because we are time itself//
Never held down by gravity, we stay in the stars like Orionís Belt//
Give me goose bumps when you kiss me with your beautiful self//
I hope this is felt/ Love it when I kiss your candy coatin, and you start to melt//
I prayed to God and thanked him for sending me one of His angels//
My pride has been strangled/ so now I spend my days being thankful//
Black man with a black queen/ your eyes sparkle with that African gleam//
I canít explain to you the depth of what you makin me laugh again means//
The essence of dreams/ is your definition, your soul makes me serene//
A paradise of emotion, my crooked past youíve made me redeem//
15020, RE: Down For Me
Posted by the_best_part, Tue May-24-05 04:34 PM
that's w'sup.
15021, RE: Down For Me
Posted by HueyNewton, Tue May-24-05 04:45 PM
beautiful, heartfelt piece shakeet!!!!!!!
15022, UPPIN!
Posted by Soulbrotha, Wed May-25-05 02:25 PM
'cos this is fresh..
15023, That was some real talk dog
Posted by flashiusclay, Wed May-25-05 04:20 PM
Serious material right there
15024, archive!...
Posted by hdub, Wed May-25-05 07:38 PM
...this is beautiful

shakeet, as you know i think your past verses have been good but i had some issues with the flow. in thi spiece the rhythym of it is just incredible

to have such a deep message and still have uncompromised rhymes and rhythyms in your verse elevates this past almost anything ive seen on the rap tip since i've been here

this is professional quality

your battle and your political shit has been good but i think this is where your true talent lies

i cant wait to hear more of your personal stories

15025, This is a result of constructive criticism
Posted by Shakeet Lokh Em, Wed May-25-05 11:26 PM
I know I can write, but that wasn't my issue. I was puttin too many words into one bar. So while it rhymed and made sense, the rhythm was sometimes sacrificed. I wrote a joint, somebody critiqued it, and instead of getting defensive, I looked at my piece objectively. And I agreed with what was said. That is the best part of an open forum, in that we can honestly critique each other and make ourselves better writers. But anyway, thanks for the peep.

P.S.And this is by no means professional. lol This is somethin I did at work. I'm still refining my style, but when I get it all together, it's gonna take a nation of millions to hold me back. ~one~
15026, RE: This is a result of constructive criticism
Posted by hdub, Thu May-26-05 12:35 AM
well however you got it you got it

but ive noticed you getting better and better as a result of feedback- this leap is something else its extra energy that came as a result of writing from such a deep spot in your heart

i know you wrote this and all but fuck that- im saying it how it is

you just too modest bro

>P.S.And this is by no means professional. lol This is somethin
>I did at work. I'm still refining my style, but when I get it
>all together, it's gonna take a nation of millions to hold me
>back. ~one~
15027, upski^
Posted by hdub, Sun May-29-05 12:42 PM
15028, heartfelt and authentic
Posted by xandra360, Mon May-30-05 09:35 AM
I don't know much about rhyming patterns and all of that but I could feel the emotion and truth behind this one.
15029, second time around
Posted by the_best_part, Wed Jun-22-05 10:24 PM
was better than the first time.
15030, anyone want to second my archive request....
Posted by hdub, Wed Jun-22-05 11:21 PM
...from awhile back- seeing as this post has had such staying power i figure maybe a few who werent convinced initially might change their tunes
15031, RE: anyone want to second my archive request....
Posted by the_best_part, Thu Jun-23-05 06:17 AM
15032, I THIRD That Motion -- (((E-Motion)))
Posted by PhotoSynthesis, Thu Jun-23-05 08:25 AM
*No Doubt*
15033, everybody's all inboxed...
Posted by hdub, Thu Jun-23-05 09:50 AM
15034, RE: Down For Me
Posted by Prolif, Thu Jun-23-05 07:18 AM
my bad for taking so long to read this yo

i really can see ur heart in pieces like this....ur rhythm has improved alot...i want to hear u on audio....do u do spoken word? this could be a rap or a spoken word piece....let me hear some audio dude...drop somen' in my inbox....


"rip so many bars he should'a got a juris doctorate" -- phonte
15035, RE: Down For Me
Posted by Shakeet Lokh Em, Thu Jun-23-05 08:34 AM
I'm workin on my Soundclick page right now actually. I'm a crackhead Kanye, samplin music and what not. lol It should be all ready by next week though. I do perform spoken word. I just did one Tuesday at an open mic. As nervous as I be, when you in the middle of it, it's like....I dunno...peace. But as soon as my audios done, I'll put it up. And then the dissecting of Shakeet can begin. lol
15036, RE: Down For Me
Posted by PhotoSynthesis, Thu Jun-23-05 08:30 AM
I'm at a loss to understand how I missed this!?!?!

I usually have my eyes peeled for a "Shakeet" flow, yaknow? -- *duhhhh* -- :o

(((Oh Well))) -- It happens sometimes -- *shruggs*

Definitely an awesome pCe, heartfelt, and worthy of archival -- ;)

*Luv'd It*