14340, a journal entry- after i started selling my book. Posted by paperdollpoet, Wed Apr-06-05 03:15 PM
Friday, November 26, 2004
title: did i say too much?
i have had to send out over 20 copies of myself...
& with every post office visit, i hesitate.
did i reveal too much? did i keep anything sacred? secret? safe? locked away?
who are these people who want to own a piece of me? a portion of my past? a slice of my life?
and will they use this book against me one day?
will i notice different questions in their eyes when we speak not so easy again?
did you really do that? did you really try? did that really happen to you? are you really that weak? sad? sexually active? flawed? broken? fucked up?
you know, my mom asked me for a copy. and as soon as the request left her lips...pictures of her face in horror came to mind. how would she react seeing when i really lost my virginity? what i really thought of her growing up? how i usta let no count hoodlums sneak into my girlhood and challenge her god's existence on clouds of funk and weed.
and my husband wants to read it, but how do i explain to him that sometimes i fall in fake love with fake people just to pass the time during the day when he's not home? sometimes i make love to memories, not literally. but in my writing, how can you tell the difference? how can i explain to him that i am just letting go of my past.
i let her read it..and i watched her face scan the page with her name on it...and i saw her heart shake thru her teeshirt. she tried to make it seem like she was just skimming the book..but she lingered too long on one page. and something that resembled tears made shadows in her eyes, which created an even greater reflection for the book to mirror off of...
i didn't think.
i just copy and pasted puzzle like pieces from different times in my life onto the empty spaces i reserved for this book.
i hesitate every time.
i clutch the envelopes tighter.
i sigh heavier.
i pray to no face gods as i slide the ugliest parts of my life across the counter to the woman on the other side. she weighs the package and i always think my issues weigh more than they do..but 1.14 oz is all it amounts to...
"do you want confirmation on this package ma'am?"
can that piece of paper confirm that my words will reach the right ears? thats what i want to ask..
but instead, i just nod in agreement.
& hope i know what i'm doing.
--- www.sheflypaper.com
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