I dont keep a blog, not quit sure what a blog is, maybe someone will school me somewere on this post (appreciate it) but I do write letters to myself, so here's one, my most vunerable moment.


I am sitting here, in my favorite chair, wondering about life, love and happiness. I am questioning providence and does it really exists. If you were to ask me did I believe fate was for the good of man, I would have declared loudly that “YES! It was, that our destiny’s are decided long before we come into being, and our paths are laid for the betterment of us, and that there is that special someone for everyone, and that kismet will make sure u found each other, and when u do nothing or no one can prevent the collision. But now as I sit uncomfortably in my comfortable chair, shaking from the chill in my warm home, I feel lost and alone, and looking at fate with new eyes.

Was it fates attempt at a practical joke, that I should encounter a man? Not just any man, fate knows me too well for that, any man would not do, this man would have to touch the core of my existence, and the attraction between the two of us would have to be uncontainable. A frown passes across my face as I think how fate must have searched and discarded many, before coming upon this treasure of a man, the perfect pawn to use in its cruel hoax against me.

Fate placed him directly into my path, and I stumbled over his charm. hmm; I wonder if fate sat back with feet propped up, maybe a bowl of hot buttered popcorn in hand, as if waiting to watch a good tragic drama. Yea, it knows me well, so well, that it foreseen that I would not be able to resist, knew this man would offer me the right amount of intrigue, with the correct dosage of appeal thrown in. Fate had me pegged alright, I was a sucker, and with one lick it reached my center. It found someone I could share my secrets with, cocky yet cute, with a sense of humor that showed through the bullshit smile, but most of all, fate knew that I had to feel the man within the very core of me, my heart, and my mind.

I guess fate smiled brightly as it watched me crash from my ivory tower, or did fate think there might me a glitch in its plans during the times I denied I was falling in love? Nah, it knew, it knew my heart better than I it seems, so I’m sure it waited patiently as day by day I became less fearful and more hopeful in my loving of this man, clapping its hands in glee as I threw away my doubts and suspicions and embraced happiness.
Oh, you would think that at this point fate would drop the bomb, but not fate, it never does anything halfway, Nooo, and I can picture it contemplating what could be the ultimate prank, the joke de jour so to speak.

Then the idea came, the one thing that would bring me to great heights of joy, what if fate could make me believe that this man, I have begun to love with all my being, could be, HIM , Soul-Mate, Twin-Soul, The One. That prince I dreamt about as a little girl upon my cotton pillow and Raggedy Ann sheets. Is he the one I have waited my whole life for? The one I knew existed somewhere beyond my reach? Fate my friend, knew I would look back on my life and give thanks for the lessons I once regretted, lessons that have prepared me for this moment, the sexual experiences so skillfully taught will allow me to completely satisfy “HIM”, The variety of men that have been in and out of my life, will allow me to appreciate and respect the love of “HIM”, The mind games so carefully played has shown me that being forthright and honest is the way to go with “HIM”, The jealousy and mistrust I have seen allowed me to love “HIM” with a open and unconditional heart.



But fates last hand was not played, while I basked in a true love finally found, when my heart was no longer mine to control, and my thoughts consumed by his images, fate gave the punch line, “HE IS NOT YOURS TO HAVE!” Yes, fate can be a bitch, a cruel and bitter friend, so I sit here in my comfortable chair, in my comfortable home, unable to stop the flow of tears that erupt from the bowels of my soul, contemplating a fast, peaceful death, but instead, I drank, I drank, until the grapes erased my memory, and I went on as if I never knew, dying a slow torturous death every step of the way.