taking my own advice
05.17.2004 . 10:45 a.m.
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i figured it out.

i've been wanting to find someplace i could fall, let the tantrum just happen. but i kept pushing the tide back, hoping my paper mache dam would just keep it all at bay. of course, things didn't work that way. and i wound up trembling and sobbing sunday morning after a series of disappointments that, on any other day, just would have annoyed the hell out of me.

instead i fell apart.

i'm still not at full strength. ...tears would come easily. i don't want to undress in class at all*...i feel like an open wound emotionally...i'm drained in many ways.

i have to remind myself that it's ok for me to hurt sometimes, that if i have to cry for (what seems like) no reason, then do it.

whenever things like that come up, i berate myself. i don't give way to my sensitivity--a long time ago, i began to consider it a weakness that allowed people to take advantage of me. so i conceal it, like a blemish.

i will not acknowledge issue triggers if i've decided the issues triggered are not worth revisiting.

i am afraid of stepping over that boundary that separates sanity from insanity. i always have been. i feel odd enough without having my emotions and memories threaten me with it.

i refuse to let myself feel anything that, even for a second, makes me consider going back to anything resembling a therapist's office. and it's not even out of some stigma or embarrassment....it's more like not wanting to revisit the experience, allow someone to come in on such technical terms.

as open as i am, there are many doors on my soul that say, "keep out: private". more than even i realize at times.

so i have to make time to come unglued.

~~~
*it's massage therapy, so most times we do bodywork undressed & draped with sheets.