daddyless.

i suppose that there's always gonna be a void in you if you're missing something deemed as essential. that is, if you recognize a functional, two-parent household as essential & you've only got one parent then there's gonna be a problem. i've never once thought of myself as incomplete, especially because i'm just 23 & haven't yet grown into full adulthood. i do, however, recognize that there are things that 2 uncles & a grandfather could never do for me that a father could/ should have. i'm most certain that i would be a different woman, less skeptical of men, more trusting of romantic relationships had i seen my parents' marriage "work out okay." instead, my model was my grandparents' marriage, which was very weird because my grandfather is, for all intents & purposes, the antithesis of who i always thought my grandmother should have married. but, then again in the 1950's two young black folks didn't necessarily marry for love. he had a high school diploma & a commercial driving license. she had a high school diploma & was of age to marry by her mother's standards. they wed, had some kids & together got enough money together to be the first black family on the block in a part of philly that was still considered the suburbs until about 1970. they raised their daughter & loved their sons. loved them too much. reaganomics + 3 grandkids + jilted daughter / immature sons = debt that lasts even today. when my grandmother died, i'm most certain she'd already realized that everyone would have to stay afloat without her, since we were pretty much sinking independent of her efforts. my grandfather still had plans to move to that bigger house in cinnaminson . . . but when he wouldn't sell to a bldg contractor, all of a sudden the place burned to the ground. he felt like he'd failed us. he doesn't know it but i saw the ashen tear tracks on his cheeks, whether he cried or not. he couldn't even afford a headstone for her. he's paying his sister back with bitterly earned dollars & cents . . . while she's sitting on a big bank.

i've never seen a marriage that functioned properly.

i still have a fear of marriage because i'll never be guaranteed that we'll be able to build on our momentum. i'm never gonna understand how anyone keeps their head together, let alone a family together when babylon crumbles about them.

i'm going to love & marry. i'm going to have babies & a partner. but i know i was thisclose to becoming my mother once, almost exactly. & even @ the prospect of motherhood, i refused to marry him. i was told i was anti-man, a reactionary feminist & that i was being absurd.

but when you wake up one day & realize you've attached yourself to the ineptitude of the same man who abandoned you, what are you supposed to do?


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
is where it gets complicated


okayquotes for the oh-fore:

it's okay. pussy is good for you. © brainchild

brrrrrring . . . dadadada! jeeeZUS! © karas