its amazing how quickly moments can pass.

how reality comes checking for tickets on the train headed towards 'what coulda been'.

& all you are clutching is lottery tickets that you spent your leftover pieces of soul on...out of hope & outta hope.

so you get ejected from your 'woulda been' seat, ala cartoon network style, back into the every day life that mirrors nothing like the one you planned for yourself.

but lei, what do you mean?

nothing and everything.

cause after second thoughts, i'm sure that is all that will be left.

i'm your route 72. long stretch of road that is reliable enough that you could close your eyes and auto-pilot your ass off and still be safe until you reach your exit.

this has all made me remember my second year at college.

thought i had enough to pussy power to control time with my thighs.

sheeeeeeeeeit.

love?

love was sitting in an crowded apartment in concord village, surrounded by concrete, playing video games of despair and failure.

i merely liked him...at first.

until i started to notice the red numbers on my alarm clock switch from 11:59 pm to 12:00 am and i could feel myself stop breathing. waiting. hoping. wishing that tonight there would be no other super pussies stopping his time.

i hate waiting.

hate havin to lock my pride in a child seat behind the driver's side as i sit anxious in the passenger seat, checking the vanity mirror for evidence of weakness.

see, he had the keys.

and many midnight came and went where i ran out of breath.

suffocated by my own mistakes of fallin without a written contract from someone stating they would be there to catch me.

"we don't need titles, right?"

and instead of noticing the blue's clues he painted on his cell phone ringing in the middle of sex, i mistaked it for art. for "yeah, he's with me tonight" haikus that i moaned into paper thin walls of college dorms.

but i set up this game that i couldn't finish.

tried to double dutch between love and fuck cause i couldn't handle long distance relationships.

but what does this mean, lei?

nothing and everything, in particular.

just the end results.

the missing train ticket.

the waiting at bus stops trying to remember what number bus you're supposed to get on to reach happiness. and hoping when it gets there you have exact change.

its finding happiness and redefining it.

its making morse codes of tongue clicks so someone will find you without you having to totally lose face in public.

its love. & the undefined emotion that follows the ending of it.

its reading astrology foot notes after you've chosen the wrong sign to stop at.

its the 'i should have known', 'what could have been', 'where would we be if' ...that stalks your inspiration to write.

don't ask me what i mean, cause i haven't figured out if i believe in lifetimes, soulmates, voodoo or bad luck yet.

tho, more accurately it is nothing OR everything.

no &'s.

i live in extremes.

and unfortunately my moments do too.

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