you know I recently found out something
my fam has a history of suicide on my dad's side
yeah...I've been through periods of it....mostly when I was younger
when I found that bit of info out...I no longer felt alone about it -
I realized it is cycle (in some ways) that is meant to be broken....
resolutely, I'm trying to not die from self inflicted heartache

I have almost done it twice & I'm ashamed I tried & even planned it
I'm trying to learn about reaching out & opening up so I don't fall so easily
nothing is so permanent here that requires my terminal end
that's what I've come to understand

although I advise others on why they shouldn't take their lives
it's easy to see from the outside & make sane judgements
harder to look inside and make the same assessment - no surprise
that's why I seek a mirror - a person who can see me as me - but not be me, so to pull me through
letting the troubles reflect and bounce out of me
someone who could take my vulnerability & not expose me to deceit; something true....

no time is wasted
trials are meant to educate you and free you
life is about change and challenge
life isn't static, all things change too
by wanting better, you can have/be/do better
plus you deserve all the rewards life has to offer
nothing less
acknowledging weakness
allows room for strength
thank you for holding me up, allowing me room to think.

"why do we have a war on terrorism? we need a war on apathy and ignorance." - maynard james keenan

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