backwards groove: a history of break ups and break downs

i.

no jelly in my butter
this morning
i finally ran
out
and now i can eat breakfast
without thinking
of how you always
leave/left
grape residue lingering
for me to find and fuss
about
small pieces of imperfection
the sticky sweet memories that spread
sparsely over the last two pieces
of bread
the left/over
loaf
you left
without the tie on
so the edges have harden
like shields
but the middle still soaks up
this mixture that you left me with
and i can't even complain
anymore
because i finally
ran out.

ii.
this morning my bed wasn't as cold as it usta be
my fingers found showers
in my spring
without raincoats to hide underneath

iii.
yesterday i found myself
hidden in several boxes
unlabeled
i found myself
in 7 years of broken mirror
pieces
unswept
i was loose hair scattered
on the bathroom floor
in corners
gathered and twisted
in old rubber bands
stuck
in the drains
i was the dust that floated
when i opened the blinds
i was finding myself
where you left me
when you left me
when i was the background
when i was the home
you moved into
and made a house of
when i was cold sheets that wrinkled
like sides of mouths with frowns
left unfixed
i was a lost remote battery
underneath the couch
waiting to be found
but just replaced
i was
but yesterday
i found myself
and today
i have a lot of cleaning to do.

iv.

i've got writer's block
and you're still in the neighborhood
of my thoughts
and i wld ask you to make me write again
but i ain't right to start with
so please
pause before you say my name
so i can remind myself
why i stopped writing about you
don't
make
me
write about you
again
cause it made me hate poetry
made me hate word play
cause all i did was hide your name
in similes
and smiles
at the inside jokes
that i was playing on myself
playing myself
i had double roles
trying to split myself in two for you
trying to live two lifetimes
with doubles i's
so when i said
i need you
and i need him
i wldn't see a lie
and i cld cross the line
in love like double dutch
but i've never been one of those girls
with quick feet
so i wld just always fall
in love



v.
i like the way I smile
the way my eyes dance
to the music of my laughter
and just when I thought I had forgotten
my song
you left me
standing in the middle of the dance floor
thank you,
cause I needed to learn
to dance alone


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