For the record, I was good after a couple of days and stated that I was over this issue in a couple of posts. That doesn’t change the shock of the OP, but it is what it is. It was an irrational, emotionally charged feeling with no real foundation beyond an additional burst of anger and frustration stemming from my proximity to the situation. That's not an excuse. It's just what was.

I have a close friend- matron of honor at my wedding, actually- who is on call for the next 6 months as a counselor to the families and survivors. I’ll be spending the next three days of work assigned to an outreach for the families and survivors. These were my coworkers as public service employees for SB county and one of those who died is the sister of a coworker in my office. A lot of us have been threatened over the years and suddenly those threats are taken far more seriously than ever before and frankly I pity the next guy to wig out and tell us he’s gonna get us or something because the cops will be called and they’ll probably throw the book at him.

So that proximity, anger, frustration, fear, etc left me a little tense in the presence of two muslims and people with middle eastern “features”, I guess is the best description. That doesn’t excuse my irrational anger or fear and the fact that said anger and fear was fleeting doesn’t make it acceptable. For me this post wasn’t just about being honest and venting, but releasing it. If I posted this on facebook I’d get a few level headed folks that would point out how ridiculous it was to react that way but I’d also get a barrage of YEAH! MURICA! KILL THOSE GOAT FUCKERS. Hell I see those as it is.

I posted this here because I know there are Muslims here, though with few exceptions I wasn’t sure who was who exactly. I posted this here because I was open to being called out on the irrationality of it all. I posted this here because sense and reason was far more likely to carry the day. I also posted this here for accountability purposes, which wouldn’t come in other places due to the swarm of cosigns it would generate.

I did fear an immediate and fierce backlash, however I was fortunate to articulate myself in a way that the vast majority of people understood the heart of my dilemma, which was that this isn’t a thought or feeling that I am accustomed to, didn’t like, didn’t think would continue, yet really needed to grapple with.

Perhaps these are empty platitudes but I am grieved to know that this hurt you- or anyone else, for that matter- because I know that this was likely just another in a long line of bitter, angry, irrational emotions you must see more and more frequently. It’s not good, it’s not acceptable, and it’s not to be tolerated. I can control how I react to my emotions but I can’t really control that initial emotional reaction. I can’t take back what I felt though perhaps it would have been better to grapple with this on my own time in my own thoughts.

Again, I’m truly sorry.