My wife and I went to Wal-Mart yesterday during lunch and we saw two women in hijabs and I tensed the fuck up. The Wal-Mart is a short ride from the shooting. I wanted to leave there and then.

I've always been fairly reasonable on this subject but now that it's hitting me at home I can't help but feel anger toward "them" and not just the shooters. I recognize the myriad issues of logic but I can't shake it so far.

I didn't know any of the victims personally but they are and were my co-workers. I have friend who works with autistic kids from IRC. The shootout happened near my mother mother in laws home. The shooter lived near a friend. If it seems like I feel like that could have been me or friends or family, that's probably the truth. My wife and I are both civil servants. We don't have windows at our desk. Our guards are not armed. The victims are/were fellow SB county employees. This is close enough for my comfort, that's for damn sure.

We are San Bernardino County employees and we closed all but the most necessary services today and tomorrow. It was a relief to have the day off at first but now that I've had some time alone to reflect there's a lot more to sort through than I thought. I'm in Redlands at a cafe Rio and saw an Arab-looking man and actually wondered if he knew the shooter.

I have a friend who absolutely mistrust all Muslims and goes back to some fatwa from like 1918 as his proof. I've always been a counterpoint to his rants but today when he said this only confirmed his suspicions I said nothing. His daughter is the friend who lived near the shooter so I imagine that really added to his fears.

The truth is these fucks were terrorists, but no more than the fuck who shot up planned parenthood or Sandy hook or the Batman movie and yet I don't see a white face and fear him blowing me and my loved one's to bits. I fear him if he's a police officer, but that's another matter I suppose.

I don't think I'm in danger of falling into that anti-muslim hysteria but damn if I don't understand the sentiment a little better today.