rules:

1) If it's #thissite related, try to show some couth

2) rape, incest/molestation, roofies and the like dont count. dont kill the post with anything you didnt consent to

i think that's all the ground rules, other than that tell your story

spun off of conversation with the homies last week, this woman was so disgusted by dude's performance she wouldnt acknowledge his presence

my story applies to rule #1, so Im falling back.

I was wildin that summer thanks to breaking up with a long term girl and pretty much drowning my sorrows in alcohol, dope and ecstasy for the whole year... this girl was a friend of a friend and she'd come out with him, me and his girl that night... me and him got talking at the start of the night saying that she looked like she knew her way around the bedroom... great dancer... bit slutty... VERY keen... I wasn't about to turn it down.

So we end up going back to my mates place and using the spare room... as SOON as the door was closed she lost any confidence she had on the dancefloor. Couldn't even bring herself to say the word "condom" - "have, err, you, err, got.... something...".

Lay there like a sack of cold meat while I went at it... wouldn't switch positions, wouldn't let me go down, wouldn't go down herself.. just... lay there and waited until it was over or something. Fucking awful.

I bolted as soon as I thought I was sober enough to drive... my dude sent me a couple of texts asking me how it was and I sent one back saying "Marginally better than a wank, but with a fair bit more shame"...... he texted me back... turned out she read my message over his shoulder before he had a chance to hide it.

Bridge burnt. It was a shit bridge anyway.

>"Marginally better than a wank, but with
>a fair bit more shame

>my dude sent me a couple of texts asking me how it was and I
>sent one back saying "Marginally better than a wank, but with
>a fair bit more shame"......

Yall really talk about how it went down? Like, yall trade notes and shit?

That and fucking sports.

.

cuz we never actually had it....she was a random chick I met online.... invited me over... we start messing around...gave her the old finger sniff test... and she failed HORRIBLY!!!! I made up and excuse and left immediately.... smell was so bad I had to drive home with my left hand out the window. And this was in the dead of winter so it was freezing. Even with soap & bleach it still took a day & 1/2 to get the smell off.

<--- Blind faith

I call myself the man, yeah

04 anniversary sex.
God that was awful. His rhythm was all off and even I couldn't get myself to come (and I know how to get myself off).
I just kept staring at the ceiling waiting for it to be over.

worst sex as a single woman:
all the times that the dude wouldn't or couldn't stay hard. I'd try to be a good sport but in the back of my head I'd be all "wtf??!!".
Next time that happens, I'm just doing the old "get-the-fuck-outta-my-house" routine.

>worst sex as a single woman:
>all the times that the dude wouldn't or couldn't stay hard.
>I'd try to be a good sport but in the back of my head I'd be
>all "wtf??!!".
>Next time that happens, I'm just doing the old
>"get-the-fuck-outta-my-house" routine.

I mean I know it happens to us all at least once for various reasons. But dang...

I've been told I'm intimidating
on that "go hard or go home" tip
they tried the former....only to end up on the latter.

:-(

i lost interest early on but i was determined to make the most of it


***
I'm tryna be better off, not better than...

and his pelvis bone was poking my thighs
i walked with a limp for a couple
of days after that

i forever swore off skinny dudes after that

.

I didn't wanna play her games and she only liked it extremely rough..
Lookin back tho I should have indulged but I was on my macho shit then..

attractive face. 5'9" in height.

but in the sack, she was a muhphuckan jelly fish. Just laid there, screaming all loud. I'm thinkin' to myself, why am I not enjoying this as much as you seem to be soundwise. Just loud for no reason. Couldn't ride a dick for sh*t. Matter of fact, after about 30 seconds of her grinding her hips into my pelvic region, I got forceful and flipped her ass over onto her stomach and went to town trying to get me, ME.

just as I'm approacing what had to be the longest to obtain nut in the history of obtaining nuts, she says "gimmedatdick, daddy !!!


man, It was at that moment that I entered ErectionLost City.

The way, she said "Daddy" wasn't even in that sexual " yo my big daddy kinda way", this sh*t sounded more like "give me that dick, father" as in the man that used to phuck yo momma type sh*t.


I really wanted to like this girl too...but the next time we had sex was just as awful.

But damn she was fine and she had pretty feet.


waste of a 3 pack of condoms and time.

.

this guy I think his name was vincent...he was so hampsome...all the girls wanted him...but he chose me....so we got it popping...did the mouth to parts exchange...then he puts the condom on slides it in and uuhuhuhuhhh ahhhh...it was over :-( I remember saying out loud "Really?!?"

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

When she took off her pants it was like Fisherman's Wharf.

We became platonic after that.

and the person doesn't know it/let you take it there anyway?

I shuddered just as I typed this.

You don't know what you're up against, from her and maybe from you under some circumstances. I taught my boy this move, he now owes me his life after one specific incident lol.

Definitely.

The shower, immediately.

nice alright body, cute face but I kept turning her down. kinda wanted to but I got burned before messing with co-workers. ol girl used to talk BIG MONEY TALK bout her pussy. her car breaks down & she needs a ride home. invites me in for breakfast (we worked graveyard shift) she went to take a bath, calls me into the bathroom but I don't go so she comes out naked and tries to make a move but I turned her down because I had a doctor's appointment. needed another ride invites me in again. she said ain't no man ever turned her down before and I was gonna regret turning down that pussy and she was gonna put it on me blah blah blah.

long story short I woulda been better off if I just humped a cadaver. it's actually the only time in my life I faked an orgasm



<================================
http://www.flickr.com/photos/20787335@N08

I really must know this.

there's still the issue of where is your cum and why isn't it inside the condom if you came?
I ain't dumb.

lol

chix usually lay there on their side in the fetal position

while u up an in the bathroom

color me weird.
IDGAF.

in the bathroom shitting for this one.

No one wants you to get back in the bed and resume sex if you've just taken a sh*t...i don't even care if you showered immediately after.

shitting and sex within the same hour time frame ain't gonna happen.

just get up when you realize it's the wackest you've had, rush to the bathroom and just sit and wait for a couple of minutes. Courtesy flush every two minutes, tap ya feet every once in a while...utter the words "oh, god this isn't good". Ask where the baby wipes are kept, flush again.

highly recommended snapper.

given The AIDS
gotta make sure a) the condom stayed on the entire time
b) the condom did not break and spill its contents
c) the condom is not lost inside you. it can happen.

lol

u gonna glance to see if its still there at the most

i'm tryin to picture this

dude done...
reverse's out of the parkin space
ya'll hop up and turn around like 'Inspection Time!!!''

and he stands there like Mr Clean while you get your black light

http://manhattaninfidel.com/__oneclick_uploads/2012/05/mrclean.jpg

my boss just peeked in and asked why I was laughing so loud
:(

it's empty or not. but one time i did turn around quick, lol. because dude tried to slip it off and go raw.


>u gonna glance to see if its still there at the most
>
>i'm tryin to picture this
>
>dude done...
>reverse's out of the parkin space
>ya'll hop up and turn around like 'Inspection Time!!!''
>
>and he stands there like Mr Clean while you get your black
>light
>
>http://manhattaninfidel.com/__oneclick_uploads/2012/05/mrclean.jpg
>

turn around to discover dude raw doggin the shit out of you and he smile on some Chappelle to Oprah like "Gotcha, Bitch!!!"

.

this dude was wack AND sheisty, lol
and that makes only two dudes ;)

Sorry fellas... she asked and we cool...

*ahem* first... start going off for no reason... swear like you are really into the shit.

kick up a lil leg or foot kinda action. Grab her/pillow... moan deeply in her ear..
say OH SHIT OH SHIT
Convuldge...

Fall on top of her... Act like the world just fell. Rest for a few moments, slide out and cover.
kick it to the side, or under the bed or somewhere out of the immediate eye shot. ...(if she looks at condoms, she won't realize it was empty till after you leave.)


Compliment Compliment Compliment ...

then make exit, stage left. Done and Done.

voila



<================================
http://www.flickr.com/photos/20787335@N08

nm

fake a charlie horse or stomach cramp.

"you know this shit wack, right?

HAHA!

I think you seent a picture of the chick I'm talking bout too


<================================
http://www.flickr.com/photos/20787335@N08

>fake a charlie horse or stomach cramp.
>
>
>
I'm dying right now. This made my day...lol.

Boo. Boo, I say.

notes on this friday afternoon.

...plus if you stroke thru said fake orgasm, most women won't be able to tell....
______________________________________________________________________________

"There's a fine line between persistence and foolishness..."
-unknown

"To Each His Reach"
-George Clinton

2 dudes on okp have big dicks*

nm

demand.

y'all women are truly clueless.

I must have messed with some wack ass dudes, that sounds interesting.

who can make they dick jump? WTDTA?

If I knew better, I'd do better *shrug*

a few times

i'm out.
_____________________
"WHOLESALE REUSABLE GROCERY BAGS!!"
@etfp

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I contemplate moving to a warmer place, then the lake and skyline give me a warm embrace" © Common

make a few noises. answer "yes" when she asks "did you cum?", and if she's a condom checker then slide out real quick and make a b-line for the bathroom or say "i had a fap session earlier that's why the tank isn't full"

I call myself the man, yeah

You just have to whisper "go go gadget warm yogurt," otherwise she'll know what's going on.

what does that even look like on a man?

I lost interest in the pussy after that.

She was riding,
it was wet and intense,
she starts making some awesome orgasm noises,
shit turned me all the way the fuck on,
I came immediately,
only one problem tho,
she didn't actually have an orgasm,
she caught a cramp in her leg,
meaning I came like a selfish bastard,
while she is writhing on the bed in pain,
....cant say that I was any help after that tho.
I will say that we both had a good laugh,
once I told her that I thought she came so I came in response.

oh...and check this out:
http://fab.com/hheb6r





http://fluidj.tumblr.com/
http://obamalookingcool.tumblr.com/

http://i.imgur.com/hoLuO.gif

<--- Blind faith

he was a friend of her man's.

we kicked it & eventually ended up in bed together.

to this day i have NEVER seen a dick that small. i didn't have the heart to stop him in the middle of it & ask "wtf do u think ur gonna do with that??" so i didn't say anything & he came like *right* when he put it in there - no exaggeration. he didn't even get 2 humps in, smh

this by the way, was when i learned to never trust a dude who brags about what he has or what he can do with it. and it was a fkd up way to learn that lesson, but there it is. . .

i saw him once again when i stopped by to see my friend & her dude one day, but we didnt really say anything to each other.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"i have a good side, you're just not on it." (c) Naji, age 8

a chance to redeem his manhood, lol.

that shit couldn't even touch both sides =/



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"i have a good side, you're just not on it." (c) Naji, age 8

how dude's meat aint at least pushin the kitty open? That physically aint possible.

but all kidding aside, it was too small to even feel anything

almost like a tampon or an index finger

i've never seen anything like it, except on a little kid




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"i have a good side, you're just not on it." (c) Naji, age 8

.

just like i was. and i didn't start fkn til i was 18, so i really didn't have a whole lot of experience at the time

but i knew enough to know that he wasn't doing anything for me in the sack

and that neither a "second chance" nor a tenth chance was gonna solve that problem





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"i have a good side, you're just not on it." (c) Naji, age 8

they might work out great.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"i have a good side, you're just not on it." (c) Naji, age 8

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"i have a good side, you're just not on it." (c) Naji, age 8

**********
"naive as the dry leaves on the ground looking past the trees to the blue sky asking 'why me?'" -Blu

so meet this young lady.... on paper we are a match made in heaven
all the same interest everything...

so we get down to it and I go to put it in and well yeah it don't fit
i push a lil harder she screamed like a school girl... she she starts grinding and moaning and going off... like she is really enjoying it
i'm confused bc well it aint in... she is doing the possession scream from the excorsist bit for like 30 mins and i'm like "does she know it's not in?"

finally i'm like ummm you mind if i put it in bc we haven't started yet... she was like what do you mean i came like 4 times already o_0
i was like yeah ummm the tip wasn't even in... she was like omg ummm not sure i'm going to make it... so we try again i get it in and u would think i was a porn star the way she screamed... i stopped and we fell asleep... i woke up she had an icepack on her crotch...

luckily she moved so we didn't have to formally break up

.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=af7VxzPq0Tw&feature=player_detailpage#t=270s

.

i'm out.
_____________________
"WHOLESALE REUSABLE GROCERY BAGS!!"
@etfp

about 5'5. nice ass, nice rack.
the sex started out fine, but once she squirted...it was cum and blood.
blood on my chest
blood on my sheets
blood in my hair.....

in your hair?

i'm not even afraid of the ., but thats too much.
---------------------------------------
believe in yourself.
have faith in your abilities.
without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers,
you cannot be successful or happy.

not compassionate....only polite.
I am not like you at all and i

---------------------------------------
believe in yourself.
have faith in your abilities.
without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers,
you cannot be successful or happy.

not compassionate....only polite.
I am not like you at all and i

lol
anyway, he was an alcoholic bartender. kept insisting that we stop for booze every time we hung out. so that day i stopped for gas and he took that opportunity to run across the street to the liquor store to get some alcohol. I was mad, thinking all kinds shit in my head and not really focused on what type of gas i was putting in the car. Accidentally put diesel gas in my tank :( car sput, sput, sputted and stopped. i just about died. long horrible date-story short, he helped me get my car to pep boys and while we were sitting there in the cold on a sunday he suggested getting a room and was hella surprised when i said okay.
anyway, he's hype. grinning and laughing and moving all fast, i guess before i changed my mind. then we get into the room and he starts to sweat, smile gone, asked me if i was hungry. uh, yeah! for some d*ck! lol, kidding. i aint say that. I told him no but he said he was hungry so he went to mcdonalds. i took that chance to primp and get ready. dude was gone sooo long i fell asleep. when i woke up it was getting dark. he finally comes back w/ all these cheeseburgers and shit and breaks the bag open on the bed. i'm starting to get disappointed...i'mma cut it short.
anyway, so dude had hella alcohol on his breath and decided to go down on me but he didn't know what he was doing. he was sliding all over the bed, making all kinds of MmMm! noises like he was going IN. but all he was doing was soaking the sheets w/ his saliva and making me wetter. every time i'd try to assist him he'd stop me, adamantly. talking about "i gotta learn!"
so i started watching tv. it was on so why not. when he finally stopped, he told me he needed head to get an erection. matter of fact he quoted a rapper. can't think of the quote right now. but whatever. we get it up and get to going and it was over like that. within two commercials time. ALL that time i spent primping and waiting and that was all i got. drunken dick. he wanted me to stay the night there so we could try again later but i was pissed. then a day later i discover an itch. his alcohol breath and yuck mouth had given me a yeast infection.

"comes back with all these cheeseburgers and shit"...LOL.

i laughed.

Im fucking giggling at my desk.

Man.

i'm about to wake the dead over here

there is nothing worse than the "sure, okay" fuck
that is nothing but okay

did y'all ever get to see the movie?
i'd have been up in there watching a.j johnson riding ving's face mad than a motherfucker

"Whusswrong?"
"JUST GET ME SOME GADDAMN POPCORN, MOTHERFUCKER.SHIT."

we never made it to the movies. my car was still sitting in pepboys until monday afternoon.

>lol
>anyway, he was an alcoholic bartender. kept insisting that we
>stop for booze every time we hung out. so that day i stopped
>for gas and he took that opportunity to run across the street
>to the liquor store to get some alcohol. I was mad, thinking
>all kinds shit in my head and not really focused on what type
>of gas i was putting in the car. Accidentally put diesel gas
>in my tank :( car sput, sput, sputted and stopped. i just
>about died. long horrible date-story short, he helped me get
>my car to pep boys and while we were sitting there in the cold
>on a sunday he suggested getting a room and was hella
>surprised when i said okay.
>anyway, he's hype. grinning and laughing and moving all fast,
>i guess before i changed my mind. then we get into the room
>and he starts to sweat, smile gone, asked me if i was hungry.
>uh, yeah! for some d*ck! lol, kidding. i aint say that. I told
>him no but he said he was hungry so he went to mcdonalds. i
>took that chance to primp and get ready. dude was gone sooo
>long i fell asleep. when i woke up it was getting dark. he
>finally comes back w/ all these cheeseburgers and shit and
>breaks the bag open on the bed. i'm starting to get
>disappointed...i'mma cut it short.
>anyway, so dude had hella alcohol on his breath and decided to
>go down on me but he didn't know what he was doing. he was
>sliding all over the bed, making all kinds of MmMm! noises
>like he was going IN. but all he was doing was soaking the
>sheets w/ his saliva and making me wetter. every time i'd try
>to assist him he'd stop me, adamantly. talking about "i gotta
>learn!"
>so i started watching tv. it was on so why not. when he
>finally stopped, he told me he needed head to get an erection.
>matter of fact he quoted a rapper. can't think of the quote
>right now. but whatever. we get it up and get to going and it
>was over like that. within two commercials time. ALL that time
>i spent primping and waiting and that was all i got. drunken
>dick. he wanted me to stay the night there so we could try
>again later but i was pissed. then a day later i discover an
>itch. his alcohol breath and yuck mouth had given me a yeast
>infection.

ijs

i was stuck there w/ no car. i took a nap and then woke up to have sex with someone i was dating. thats desperate now, huh? either you cant read or ur just an asshole. prolly a lil of both. ijs

i'm sorrrrrrrrrry (c) Phil Collins.

the post is ABOUT your sexual L's.

Did u tell him what happened to you? That nigga nasty and should've been told about himself.

and yes, he knew i was not pleased. i shortened the hell out of the story but he kept apologizing and begging me to spend the night in the room w/ him so he could redeem himself but I was done and it damn sure showed. I called my cousin to come get me but i didn't want her to pick me up from the comfort inn, lol. so i made him walk to the closed mall with me (again, it was a sunday) and wait with me out there. it was dark and cold as fuck too so he gave me his coat and shielded me from the wind while wearing nothing but a flimsy tshirt. the same tshirt he dirtied up sliding underneath my car to see if he could siphon out the diesel gas I'd accidentally put in that got us in that mess. that's when i started to soften up and forgive him. by the time i'd gotten in her car and left him to find his way home, I felt bad and got over it.

Regardless of the circumstances at the end of the night, the whole situation was foul and he should've known that he was in no position to try to fux with you. You and him were much younger then, I suppose, and ish happens, lol.

ok so went out with this lovely young lady one night
we are having the time of our lives enjoying each other and drinking wine and talking...

so she comes back we enjoy each others company and fall asleep ...

so we had drank A LOT of red wine... well red wine and my stomach are like freebasing in a fireworks factory...

so i sneak out of bed and use the restroom... well i unleashed a fury unknown to man and God in that bathroom... now to throw her off i ran the shower so she thought i might be in the shower not shitting my brains out... 1/2 or so later i'm done
i shower come out

she was still sleep so i lay next to her... she pops up and was like hey need you to take me home gotta do xyz... let me freshen up in the bathroom and i'll be ready in a min...!!!!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I was like ummm listen u don't want to do that right now... told her about my stomach troubles and she was like oh it can't be that bad... i'll be right back... i'm like nooo.... she didn't listen...

she opened the door and screamed OH MY GOD ARE YOU DYING ON THE INSIDE... WE CAN NEVER LIVE TOGETHER IF YOU DO THAT!!!!

she clowned me all the way to her house and to this day reminds me of it when we talk

>she was still sleep so i lay next to her... she pops up and
>was like hey need you to take me home gotta do xyz... let me
>freshen up in the bathroom and i'll be ready in a
>min...!!!!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
>
>I was like ummm listen u don't want to do that right now...
>told her about my stomach troubles and she was like oh it
>can't be that bad... i'll be right back... i'm like nooo....
>she didn't listen...
>
>she opened the door and screamed OH MY GOD ARE YOU DYING ON
>THE INSIDE... WE CAN NEVER LIVE TOGETHER IF YOU DO THAT!!!!
>

So I choked on my spit a little laughing at this!

...I will leave it at the bite scar I still have at the top of my right thigh, and the fact that I could not get the rotting cunt smell off my entire right hand for two weeks.

Nigga was just pumpin away from behind while watching telemundo and SON! The funk wave hit a nigga like a Mack truck. Shit smelled like a Brazilian trash heap on fire. I made the "Mac Dre off 4 pillz" face, kept stroken, the funk got stronger (no George Clinton), I nutted and johann blaked out that hoes apartment. Disgusting.

I
>made the "Mac Dre off 4 pillz" face,

- BlackPlanet

- she mentioned her daughter, she didnt mention the other 4 or 5 kids and her younger sister who lived there

- take the A to the last stop, take a cab a couple of blocks here = the projects in Far Rockaway (my trip started at 125th Street in Harlem, mind you)

all of that on top of my dick game not being up to par yet = a bad night and she lived right by JFK so planes were taking off all night interrupting sleep and some slow jam mix played on repeat for hours

sure nothing but pure ratchetness and comedy can occur by loggin' on.

i'm about to do numbers.

.

and the limp

I'm not going to offer any other details except to say that I was highly intoxicated and her head game was A++++++

___________________________________________________________________________
WORLD STAR IN THIS BITCH!!!! WORLD STAR IN THIS BITCH!!!!

__________________________________________________________________________
WORLD STAR IN THIS BITCH!!!! WORLD STAR IN THIS BITCH!!!!

which is why you better be bringing recent, full body, go take this now, pics to the table. cause i been tricked. was kinda talkin to this one girl off of face shots and old pics. she comes into town, i go to pick her up, and a fuckin oompa loompa walks out the house.

at that point i'm like fuck. but...shit, i'll play the game and at least get some pussy outta it. but everything was just bad. head was toothy terrible. her vagina had one of those asymmetrical things going on where one lip was waaaay different than the other. it was like one stopped short, and the other kept going, and it hung like a toilet paper ball. so i really wasn't into it, but hey...lets get some pussy.

but i learned something important about the relationship between my big head, and my bigger head....if both of them are not in the game, its going to be a disappointing encounter. and that night my dick was like, you're doing this on your own....i'm out! so we had a good 5-10 minutes of sex, before my dick realized that he didn't sign up for this shit. so i'm like...thats it. lets just go to sleep.

now this is where it got memorably bad, cause old girl (bless her heart) was a trooper. and at about 6 in the morning, she was ready to try again. i'm laying in bed like pleasegoawaypleasegoawaypleasegoaway....letmesleepletmesleepletmesleep. but she's determined so she starts calling my name. Seeeettttttttttthhhhhh. SEEEEEEEEETTTTTTHHHHHHHHH. its 6 in the morning. you know how bad your breath is right now. and my name ends in a 'th' which is ALL breath. i lost nose hairs and eyelashes, jack. i think i tried again but it was weak and half hearted. and that was that. took her home, dropped her off. fin.
---------------------------------------
believe in yourself.
have faith in your abilities.
without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers,
you cannot be successful or happy.

not compassionate....only polite.
I am not like you at all and i

> but she's determined so she starts calling my name.
>Seeeettttttttttthhhhhh. SEEEEEEEEETTTTTTHHHHHHHHH. its 6 in
>the morning. you know how bad your breath is right now. and
>my name ends in a 'th' which is ALL breath. i lost nose hairs
>and eyelashes, jack. i think i tried again but it was weak
>and half hearted. and that was that. took her home, dropped
>her off. fin.

>>> i'm laying in bed like pleasegoawaypleasegoawaypleasegoaway....letmesleepletmesleepletmesleep. but she's determined so she starts calling my name. Seeeettttttttttthhhhhh. SEEEEEEEEETTTTTTHHHHHHHHH. its 6 in the morning. you know how bad your breath is right now. and my name ends in a 'th' which is ALL breath. i lost nose hairs and eyelashes, jack.

begs me for the D. I was drunk as fuck so sure..why not. Gave her a fake name and everything. worst BJ ever... shit hurt. I stop her...

She jumps on top, starts doing some voodoo matrix shit... but she isn't fucking or moving her pelvis, just matrixing her upper body and then BAM... matrixed so hard she hit her head on the corner of the night stand. Shit had to hurt... next day her roommate tells us how she heard the bang and thought I killed her.

I needed to get one off but couldn't. I gave her the fake O face... but since I'm out of town I can't leave her crib or I'm ass out in the streets. Fortunately she had some good green... I smoked myself into a coma. Next morning I'm all... "yeah, I'll call you" while tossing the number in her trash can.

4 weeks later she rolls up on me on calling me by the fake name... it takes a minute to realize she is talking to me. She's crying.... fucking crying in public. I hit her with the "8 mile ending" and tell her I'm a rotten, selfish and horrible person and she would be better off without me.

ZOMG

>She jumps on top, starts doing some voodoo matrix shit... but
>she isn't fucking or moving her pelvis, just matrixing her
>upper body and then BAM... matrixed so hard she hit her head
>on the corner of the night stand. Shit had to hurt...

MORT

>her vagina had one of those
>asymmetrical things going on where one lip was waaaay
>different than the other.

i mean, i feel bad, cuz its out of their control. like hatin on a dude for which way he curves or some shit. maybe its too much porn in my life, but ya, if i get the panties off and see that asymmetry...just leaves me hella-disappointed.
and i like em all shapes and sizes - tucked in, fatty lips, whatever - but please be even.

>which is why you better be bringing recent, full body, go
>take this now, pics to the table. cause i been tricked. was
>kinda talkin to this one girl off of face shots and old pics.
>she comes into town, i go to pick her up, and a fuckin oompa
>loompa walks out the house.


THIS

Except I caught a greyhound bus 3 hours away for this. Stepped off the bus and cussed repeatedly in my head, cuz I knew this weekend I committed to was gonna suck
*but she had big titties and great power u....we had sex I know 9 times that weekend*

So she went to high scool wit me but we was never cool like that we had some classes together but 2 different worlds. We went to the same college in Charleston so I use to ride wit her back home cause she had a car and my nigga ass didn't lol. So well chill in the car talk she put me on to Pearl Jam.

So I left college and went back home and well hang out get drunk smoke and shit when she was back in town or if I was visiting Charleston...So one day we on the phone bullshitting she like "you should come visit next time your in charleston" I'm like cool she was like "yea you can sleep in my bed with me" Whoa so she admitted she wanted to fuck cause she had heard my stories and wanted to try.

So she was back home one day..I had got my homeboy house we drink take her to the room...head was all lazy (white girl wtf?) then she just laid there boring as hell then told me my dick was too big and it was hurting.

Worst sex ever then it ruin a friendship cause I couldn't here her talk about being single no more casue I knew why..."bitch your sex bad" and we never hung out really anymore after that. We might speak on FB every now and then but its never the same after that...I never try to fuck a friendgirl after that.

im licking my chops because he is fione BOOTS and i just know its on..im almost a bit scared because he'd been talking LEVEL shit...

line up two of those lil ikea pencils.
http://www.vvank.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/ikea_pencil.jpg

that was his peepee

:(

because he was 6'3" or 6'4", then find out otherwise, and since now dude is unable to give you the mindblowing sex you thought you were going to get based on, his height. refuse to even sleep with him, because through some kinda mental telepathy you determined the sex wouldn't even be worth it.


Women, so much awesome!

bleh

I'm just pointing it out. and I'm good btw lol.

I'm just making a statement about what YOU did. am I lying, didn't you say you could usually pick them? didn't you mention his height as if it was somehow some indicator of great sex?

YOU DID THAT. don't get mad, just say YEP.

I'm glad you at least cuddled with him, The nerve of him, not living up to you're expectations. SHAME ON HIM. WOE IS HE.

".im almost a bit scared because he'd been talking LEVEL shit..."

or very, very, very, very long?

either is a bad scenario.

real talk you better off as a dude with a THICK four-incher than a dude with a skinny ass eight-incher but then again if you're that long odds are you got OK thickness, i guess. length is a diminishing marginal return thing, chicks go crazy for a nice thick one though.

she's probably one of the smartest people I know, who also happens to be fine as FUCK. Great body, bisexual - and down! - locs, a donk, etc, etc, etc.

Talked soooooo much shit about her who-ha. Finally got back to the crib? Quadriplegic starfish style.

She got hers. A couple of times. Me? The very first time I fucked and didn't nut. Sadly not the last.

I felt like my time would have better spent playing Madden.

Over at my girlfriend's apartment and she wants to fuck bad... but her parents are home and she's on her period.... she's trying to talk me into going to fuck in the stairwell (we had done that before). I'm against it, she says she had just changed her tampon and it wasn't hardly anything, my teenage hormones take over common sense.

We go to the stairwell and she's on top and it feels really good... she was tryin to move a bit and she pulled off..... and that's when I saw it.... my dick was COVERED in chunky blood. It looked like I had literally stabbed her pussy. I was so grossed out and instantly lost my hard on.

Now there's the issue of we're in the stairwell of an apartment building, I got a bloody ass dick and nothing to clean it up with. It was a hot mess.

For the longest time, I had a one day before and one day after no fly zone in place. Still today, I avoid peak times like I ran out of anytime minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I contemplate moving to a warmer place, then the lake and skyline give me a warm embrace" © Common

Still today, I avoid peak times like I
>ran out of anytime minutes.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>"Sometimes I contemplate moving to a warmer place, then the
>lake and skyline give me a warm embrace" © Common

i picture you w/ that flattop. you shouldn't have ever posted that picture, lol

:(

that said I've developed selective amnesia about all bad sexual experiences I've had.

I just assume the sex never happened.

Right after High School my friend who had to repeat the 12th grade had a play and all his drama buddies hit up a Chilis after. I tagged along cause I know drama girls like to fuck. That's the only reason I ever went to any of his plays. I think I got more pussy than him and he was in drama.

But anyway....we eat and bullshit and I'm rappin with this chick that I had a class with senior year, and she is really feelin me. So we eat and leave and she offers to drop me off at home. It's down the street and I told her it was cool I'll walk, but she INSISTED. (i.e. wants and excuse to chill). So I say ok and I hop in her truck, and told my friend I'd catch up to him. He gives me some side eye and leaves. So we pull off and I'm givin her directions and she ask if its cool if she comes over and I told her no cause my mom is home. (I never fucked in the house.....NEVER....my mom would lose her fuckin mind). She said we couldnt go to her place. So we went to the park down the street. We're clearly gonna go fuck. Soooooo.....we get to the park. I go right for her titties cause this chick had a fuckin RACK son. I dunno bout any of you guys.....but when I was first fuckin......I was on some titties.

Anyways....I try and lay her down on the front seat but the shit was hella uncomfortable, so I suggest we jsut go fuck outside. I did it all the time back then. Go to the far corner of the park, and fuck to your hearts content. Shes with that, and we get over there and I get the panties off and go to put it in and this chick starts BAWLIN son. Like cryin HARD. The tip is in.....and shes coverin her face and shit....and I'm debating like....uhhhhh is it cool to continue. lol. Horrible I know. So I slide over and talk to her and she proceeds to tell me how she doesnt want me to jsut fuck her and leave. *CONSCIENCE SAYS TELL THE TRUTH* Dick says "Of course not...." I told her it'd be cool and we would see each other again if she wanted. She said ok and she wanted to get it. I layed her back down and proceeded to fuck.....shes wincing and shit....and then shes starts moaning her ass off. I shoulda known. I go to top it off and when I grab my dick its all gushy. Blood galore. I freaked out. I ask her the obvious question I shoulda asked before. Are you a virgin? She looks sheepishly at me and says yes. Then she tells me she loves me. Fuck. I had jsut learned a hard lesson. After a SUPER awkward drive home I managed to avoid her for a while but I did eventually run into her a few years later.

Chick had 2 kids ALREADY....and didn't look happy at all. Some dudes had got at her. I felt really shitty about it. Still do.

Another time I was fuckin with this chick from work.....we messed around....she slobbed a few times.....when I finally went to beat we were messin around and I went to put it in and she started crying and told me she had just had a miscarriage. I told her I was sorry, and she said "Why the fuck are you sorry....it wasn't yours anyway". My dick crawled in behind my balls on that one.

I gotta stop messing with these damaged women. I got a ton of stories man. Chicks get ran through......women get overdue.

I don't understand girls who just give their virginity to somebody they just met. What was the point?

My first time was horrible and it hurt but I took it like G though, lol.

so me and my boy are tight, we used to get it in passing chicks around and whatever in college. he always wanna do a 2on1, some latent gay shit i guess but we never did it to his chagrin.

so one night we go to my other boy's birthday party, he was a little older, married, kind of a herb really. so we say, eh, not getting any action here. he tried to set up a 2on1 with some little petite mommy there, i was like it's all you, bro. but we also met this really, really fat jawn there. i mean normally i am not one to talk, but she was like tree fitty, no exaggeration.

so during the convo amongst us it comes up that i have a beach spot for the next week and i am having people down. i gave the old larry david "just to be polite" offer to everyone to come. of course earthquake seizes the moment, says she will come down the first weekend. great. i say "bring a two piece!" jokingly.

fam, when i got to the spot she was WAITING FOR ME FOR AN HOUR. like just posted up outside. weird but OK, i open up, chill, make small talk and my boy (the 2on1 suitor) shows up. we had some dinner and drinks, whatever, go back, i'm like ready to hit the sack. nah, she stays up talking and talking, acting like we are the best friends she ever had.

so my boy, who has smanged some really beautiful girls, is also the king of attracting ugly ones (she was also pretty plain looking even if she were thin) and messing with them. i remember he smanged some fat black chick with terrible extensions and a voice like shaq in college. anyway, he starts talking about sex and fantasies, right away she gets AWKWARD AS FUCK. like the things she was saying literally made him "uh, that's it?"

So we get ready for bed, there was a master bedroom with a big bed that I took and then two twin beds in the other room. I said fuck this, it's my place, I am gonna take the master bed.

My boy is like "Come on man, be polite offer it to her" but I read his mind as "Don't leave me out here with her." I do my man a solid, OK, OK, Earthquake, do you want the big bed? She says no, I say oh, cmon, I feel bad and she said "NO, seriously, if you want me to sleep in there you're going to have to drag me."

Weirded out, I left them.

The next four hours she is up telling about how she, a THIRTY FOUR YEAR OLD WOMAN, is a virgin and trusts him, wants him to be her first and all types of shit. OMG, when he told me the next day I pitied him like he had syphilis. He managed to avoid it without completely destroying her confidence but WOW! I could not have handled that situation.

Could not tell the difference

Eventually told her "uh this is not working, i am just gonna bust and leave"

She agreed

But then when i went full throttle, she started digging it. Says WAIT

Nope. Squirt. Bye.

the choda, which is a term i coined for the little area between the cuca and the culo (pussy and ass). sometimes if you are rearing back for that force into either one, slide out and hit that .... ooooohhhhhh that shit hurts!

i have only done it twice, one it slipped down into her butt, other time just hit the spot squarely. strangely it was the same chick. man that cum bucket used to cum buckets man, i remember one night she had an orgasm that lasted longer than most dudes in these stories can sustain an erection.

I cant say that ive ever had "bad" sex...

ye olde

it was my first semester up at michigan state
and me and dennis
i don't even know how we paired off as a couple
he was part of my roommate's study group
anyhow
he lived in the co-ed hall next door
ours was the only all-female hall on campus -and the dopest!!!
anyhoo
dennis had broken his leg
i'd gone over one night
and due to his infirment
he had to lie prone
requiring me to be astride
hop on, insertion
he busts
remove condom
hop on, insertion
he busts
remove condom
hop on, insertion
friction
he busts
remove condom
hop on, insertion
he busts
remove condom

i can re-type this about 10 more times
seriously
i don't know where a college freshman gets ahold of funds for such repeated condom purchases, perhaps he alit on campus with a trough of rubbers, maybe the clinic on campus was just that generous

but all i know is
ye olde kiera had the patience of job
and yeah
sometime in the midst of this recrimination his roommate had returned and fallen asleep in his bed


not-so old

i don't know
i guess dude had this "technique"
perhaps due to what he considered his girth/build requiring to incite pleasure in his partner
but there was no thrusting
like
his hips at no point swung back for the long stroke
it was as if he were burrowing himself inside me
like my walls were made of coal and this nigga was determined to make a diamond
just pressed down on top of me, hunching
in in in in
no outgo
so i'm underneath
trying to
shit i don't know
create some soul power or sut'n
but again
he is pressed down on top of me
and it's me sandwiched betwixt him and the gotdamned mattress
he's got his arms wrapped underneath mine and holding onto my shoulders
my ass muscles were cramped as hell
WHO FUCKS LIKE THAT???

Years ago...I met this chick I was working with. Admittly she had a phatty. She came at me (at the time, I had never turned down a woman, I was 24). So I'm all in. Weeks go by and she's telling me how she got all these skills...blah blah blah! I go over there one night and its all systems go. She lays me down on the and pulls out some lotion. I'm thinking 'Ok, she gonna massage, rubs herself down...etc'. No, she puts the lotion in the crevice of her elbow (Err face) she then starts stroking it with her elbow...I'm like uhhhhhhhhhh WTF!?!? She is staring me right in the face "You like that yea....I know you"...NO I DONT!!

So then she lays down, i start to get on top of her, she's like wait...puts lotion in her belly button grabs it and circulates my dick in her belly button! I'm like...WTF!?!?!?

So FINALLY I get it in. She rolls me over, starts riding and moaning, in my head, I'm like, OK, we getting somewhere, next thing I know she throws both her hands in the air and screams 'WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOHOOOO I CAME" Falls on my chest slowly and literally starts snoring and is knocked out sleep. I'm laying there with patches of lotion all on my stomach a knocked out girl and a hard dick, like really!?!?. I had to slide from up under her like Marcus Graham Boomerang style...I just left!

LMAO! This is some shit right here.....the Marcus Graham slide. Oh I been there before. You jsut gotta ease on out. lol.

sometimes you gotta do whatcha gotta do, LOL!

small (like a finger literally), soft, and 2 minutes long tops

i was new to the game and really curious about penises. i was expecting/hoping for that shit to grow inside me, lol. instead, i didnt feel anything at all.

i also had a guy who apologized profusely after premature ejaculating. after about 5-6 minutes. i wasnt even mad. i covered his mouth out of embarrassment for him, lol.

fuck both those dudes tho. they had the nerve to be assholes AND bad lays. (or maybe they were assholes because they were bad lays?)

Went back to where he was staying, the sex was formal and brief. I didn't come. Asked if he had a second condom, he didn't. Asked if he would eat me out, he was on some "I don't do that outside of a relationship". Which I normally would respect had I not already given him head.

Left in a rush, only to realize I had left my phone. Made it back to his spot before him and further awkwardness ensued

*facepalm*

"im starving for a good conversation most times. quickest way to get in my pants? = good conversation" (c) Peabody

www.twitter.com/bedstuybetty
http://bedstuybetty.tumblr.com/
DROkayplayer: Giving you good puff since May '05

as in they stroke 3 times and nut.

fumble nuts.

there isn't anything worst than that.

still though i say give the dude another shot because even if he IS a consistent two pump chump, the second go round is bound to be at least OK endurance. odds are he prolly just hasn't had sex in a while.

that happened to me once, i had been taking care of my grandma while she was sick for like two months so i was riding like a solid three-month drought. i hooked up with this costa rican milf and while the foreplay was nice (she got off fingering, blew me with aplomb) i probably lasted about a dozen pumps. i knew this chick so we just laughed it off, i could only imagine what it woulda been like if it was the first time we smanged.

but any which way, extenuating circumstances! you build up sensitivity to a woman pretty quick when you don't fuck, or you overthink it and can't cum. i noticed women are pretty turned off when you can bust, i've even faked it a couple of times.

I was hitting it from behind and she pee'd on my dick and on my balls and on my legs and on the side of my bed..... she pissed on me

One year on my birthday me and a few buddies went out and got just hammered on whatever whatever all damn day. At night, I went over to see my lil Bulgarian jumpoff, really beautiful girl I knew that was studying forensics or some such shit you see on a crime show. I knocked the lining out of it, kissed her goodbye and went home.

Ran into another jawn I knew, a German (was living in Holland at the time BTW). She knew the other girl, I had seen her kind of schpocking in the way that chicks only when you DON'T want them to. I started jibbering jabbering fibbin ad libbin trying to get to the crib and ... surprisingly we were at her place soon after.

We were chillin out, whatever she had some weird ass music on, having a smoke. We get down to business and I guess after a day of uppers downers and all arounders plus having had a raucous session maybe ten minutes before I saw her, I was just not up to the task.

What she said next will ring in my ears forever, "This cock is a disaster!"

I couldn't even argue.

lol

nm

Sorry YT's maybe it's not the REASON it was wack, but I think in my mind it contributed.he kept hunching with his shoulders and he was a wigger who THOUGHT he was down and his lips were overly moist and I was underly so... EEKKKK

nopinkforme

Was in Montreal working for a bit, doing some little hockey crap up there with the QMJHL. I met a crazy little chick. She was an 18 year old Algerian jawn with some hideous tattoo of the band Rancid on her neck (she had no clue who Op Ivy was, go figure) and a SLAMMIN body. Perky 36Cs, round booty, lil feminine fat around the belly and very shapely all over. She was lovely enough to put up with the fact that she was nuts, a trend among my lady friends. I also fucked a couple of her friends, whom she introduced me to. Can't bitch about that.

But this was a rare hiccough in our relationship, which seemed to hinge on little more than fucking, general pleasantness and bar tabs on my expense account.

I went over there, she's like hey whatup, do you wanna go out and grab something to drink? I was like, uhhhh, no, not really, I gotta be out and at work in like an hour here, I'm tryna fuck. So we kiss and get going, I get hard and reach down to stimulate her. She's like, I'm ready, grabs my dick, spins around and shows me her ass.

When I opened it up, the smell was like a Venice Beach public bathroom. I thought this bitch was cheating on me with Oscar the Grouch, son. It was like a diaper left in the sun, son.

I smanged this chick with a jimmy (rare move for me) as I really did not trust her crazy ass too much. I tried to tough it out but overtime it was just not happening, every time I opened it up a little that stench would waft over.

I didn't have the heart to tell her but I couldn't play this off, she knew that I was not one of these gumby-dicked weirdos you see in porn tha can't get fully hard. We did like a mutual masturbation thing to finish off, I maintained a safe distance. Whew, man, just thinking about it makes me a little nauseated.

which is ironic because as a youngin' my fear was always nutting too quick

pretty much done trying at this point

talk to someone about it. you are missing out!

You go a year and a half of sex with someone with no boundaries, to a chick that second guesses every move you make.

That's all I'm saying.

I ended up in a fetal position.

i mean we're walking to her place and she had her hands down my pants and everything. anyway, we get back to her place and get right into it, and we're getting it in then i realize this chick is asleep...i'm like wtf? i just pulled out, fapped on her bed and left. the next day she texts me asking what i did with the condom...she wanted to make sure her girlfriend didn't find it lol. hotmesscity.com


had it not been a chick i'd known for a long time i would've been scared...that situation could've been misinterpreted all types of ways.

he took some chick home who worked at this place called seamless, it was kinda cool like a regular club with a mixed crowd but they had go go dancers. this was one of the dancers.

so they get to the pad, first thing that happens is that he left his car keys at the casino and they had taken a cab home. he is like what should i do, she, on a cold desert night in a fucking thong says "KICK DOWN THE FUCKING DOOR!"

this skinny jewish bol kicks in the door on some steven segal shit, breaks the shit clear off the hinges.

they get inside and get down to business, both just shitfaced drunk since she was getting free drinks all night. he's on top of her fucking her with his legs up. first she gets up to go throw up. they get back into it for a minute afterward but then he realized she was out cold. he was freaking out, like checking if she was breathing or what. once he saw she was, he pulled off his condom and jacked off on her tits. like an hour later he woke her up frantically and had a cab take him to get his keys. he left her out there in a neon two-piece at like 6:30 in the morning, wtf?

that's classic. you're tearing it up in here.

Dude was trying to get it IN. LOL.

cant argue with that kinda logic.

damn...


Korea- 1997
A month from my tour ending, we on post (I'M NEVER ON POST!!!) and one of these older sargeants hit me up. I'm drunk as shit so somehow i'm in her spot. She starts going down all great! I mean... head game solid! phat ass ( in jeans) cause dammit when she took her shit off... limp-tastic baby!

She went hard on the "knowledge" again and (first time ever for me...) this woman lifted up my legs like a lil bitch ahd tossed my salad...

craziest feeling ever... It felt good, but my legs in the air...was not a great look.

Tried to finsish her but between the sour cream and the Jheri curl... Poppa had to go home.

She talked shit to the younger soldier girls about me...but I ain't care. I was never gonna see Aunt Esther again anyway...

*I think I need a Kleenex* sniff sniff*

Have any of you ever had a woman just stop you mid stroke off some. 'Nah, this ain't working' my dick shrunk. It was terrible.

And the stories about odors and bad hygiene are not cool at all. I'm on a judgefest.

sharing stuff like that cheapens it.

anything i'd say in here, pffft, it was already cheap!

nigga was a fluke of nature... he was half Mexican and Chinese. We was 16 yeard old and horny.
He pulled out what I SWEAR was a 13 inch dick. I ran out the room before he could get that monster dick all the way out his pants.

I've never been so intimidated in my life. I still can't figure out how he ended up with those genes.

Shit looked like a snake. I wasn't hanging around to find out what exactly what it was about.