i was born in milwaukee. grew up in the midwest, mostly in colorado. aside, i spent a couple years in rome as a kid. and although these regions may seem like filipinos may have been few and far between, i was always around them in aggregate because of church (iglesia), so i had my share of surrogate extended family, so to speak. the older generations didn't get into it with me about filipino culture and history. i was raised up on the children's britannica and s***. sometimes, quite frankly, i don't think i know anything except for the food and my massacred versions of the dialects (tagalog & kamampangan; tarlac, stand up! lol.). or that we're a kind and hospitable people, or that we have within us a capacity to speak truth to power. but those are rather non-specific things.

i've visited the philippines three times, and each time i was primarily in provincial areas (nueva ecija, zambales, tarlac). and maybe that has shaped my opinion of who we are, essentially. i think we are a humble and good people, machisimo notwithstanding, and not given to materialism and luxury because we never had much in the way of that. and we damn well ain't stupid; we're underemployed.

but i hold that in contrast to filipino-americans and even "globalized" filipinos in the philippines and wonder where in the middle i fall. because i find myself ridiculing people for trying to be this and that; meanwhile, i see it in myself. not that i was trying to be the other; it's just what i grew up on. and maybe they need to be who they need to be to get by. and i can't hate because it was in my home when i was young. i couldn't ignore those porcelain statues on our shelves. it sort of reinforces the disconnect i have with the specifics of what it is to be filipino and filipino-american. i don't know any music that is *ours* in the way that jazz is uniquely american -- it's just our take on what already exists. in the same vein, i'm probably never going to wear my best barong to a job interview.

personally, it's difficult to sort all that out, as i'm sure it is with most americans who struggle with their identity (the vast majority of us aren't really from here, after all.). it's like i can tell what is or isn't filipino, but at the end of the day, i can't say i'm filipino myself. i can say, however, that i'm filipino-american, but i still don't know what that is, exactly. if our generation (i'm 24) is the one that defines what it is to be filipino-american, then i apologize in advance for my nebulous contribution.

that was pretty scatterbrained.