|
First thing’s first:
How did you all let this happen? 9 of you had keepers, I was inebriated during the draft, and I started Darren McFadden at RB for 3 (THREE!!!) weeks. For shame, Blowhards. For shame. The sad part is, you’re all trying your best:
https://youtu.be/94S8nuW8ooE?t=1m12s
SHAME.
Don’t back peddle, Blowhards. Turn around and leave.
Second thing’s second:
Recap of Week 4 match-ups. I’ll try to keep it short since I’m more excited about the middle of this update:
Wilky2Dope (122.96) defeats TheProfessionals (101.38) - The battle for the executive lounge had a surprising result, ending with the rookie on top despite the worst matchup humanly possible. Pro has been reduced to licking his wounds while swearing off the previously unstoppable Matt Jones.
AM GoHards (122.48) defeats Vanessa Lane Bryant (69.42) - A breath of fresh air for a team that already gave up and a breath of highly-polluted air for a team that should.
NYU Football (121.98) defeats Bernard Jarvis Green Ellis LLC (83.94) - Surely starting Eli can’t be a long-term solution, but Smuts’ RBs solidified the win here. Ceej is now looking to trade for Fatt Stafford so he can have the trifecta of disappointing Lions players.
The Independent Investigators (100.26) defeats Dank Memes and Barbaric Yarps (94.96) - Oh, the rookies that aren’t me had a rookie-off to see which rookie is 2nd best? Yawn. Jersey should probably keep starting RunDMC though. Between our two teams he is somehow 4-0 despite averaging -7 points a game. The league’s good luck charm has been revealed.
Son of a Plumber (91.32) defeats Catching Lance and Guilty Ben (79.46) - Oh boy, this was ugly and both parties know it. How this ended up with more players in single digits than the rookie matchup is beyond me, but the professor looks more deflated than the Yankees did last night. The Dusty Boys have more talent than this score shows, but they better put up more points if they expect to win against the quality teams.
This is My Other League (97.02) defeats One Sixteen (92.94) - The closest matchup of the week ended with Will barely keeping his undefeated record in tact. Things are looking bleak for one of the preseason favorites, but the good news is literally everyone in the league is 1-3. KC can still easily salvage his season.
Third thing’s after those other things I wrote:
Keeping with the wrasslin’ theme above, I’ve decided to assign everyone’s team a former professional wrestler based on either the personality of the person, the personality of the team, or nothing at all whatsoever. It’s up to you to choose which is which. presented from last to first.
12. Shawn (Vanessa Lane Bryant, 1-3): The Brooklyn Brawler
http://knockoutnation.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/20121210_EP_LIGHT_brooklyn-brawler_C-homepage.jpg
He lives in Brooklyn and we all like him, but the wins are so rare with this guy it’s tough to watch. Also Brawler seems like the kind of guy who’d drop Martellus Bennett for no reason whatsoever.
11. KC (One Sixteen, 1-3): The Ringmaster
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/a0/a7/78/a0a7787580504b8a15595e67bdd6341e.jpg
Just like Steve Austin’s career pre-Stone Cold gimmick, I have no idea what’s gone wrong here, but something isn’t clicking. Just look at his team. I’m still jealous of his draft and I’m 4-0. As I hinted at earlier, this is my candidate for basement dweller that makes a big comeback. Perhaps Week 1 was a sign that he’s going to to kick down the doors and tell the Jake the Snakes of the world to fuck right off.
10. Ceej (Bernard Jarvis Green Ellis LLC, 1-3): Al Snow
https://ringthedamnbell.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/al-snow-head.jpg
There’s always more than one jobber in a 12-team league fantasy league/wrestling federation. After a quarter of the season things are so bad that Ceej has resorted to writing “Help Me!” on his forehead and talking to mannequin parts. But hey, at least he has a sense of humor.
9. Ernie (AM GoHards, 1-3): David Arquette - a.k.a. “HE was champion???”
http://17r1l63fshd52dy9yakdizhkog.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/David-Arquette-WCW.jpg
Unlike WCW, OkayBlowhards has seemingly survived this travesty. No one knows how.
8. Bshelly (Catching Lance and Guilty Ben, How many fucking 1-3 teams can there be?): The Million Dollar Man a.k.a. “Take my money please!”
http://www.wwe.com/f/styles/standard_list/public/t25/image/2014/01/rumblers/studd_rr.jpg
Poor Shells. The rumor is he tried to bribe the fantasy gods just as Ted Dibiase tried to bribe Big John Studd into giving him the Royal Rumble win. This strategy has proven similarly unsuccessful, so by Week 9 I’m sure Shells will be strutting around with a belt he made out of library books and grant money.
7. Jersey (The Independent Investigators, surely this is the last 1-3 team, right?): One of the Von Erichs
http://www.vonerich.com/images/1236621_339321932870496_364362490_n.jpg
Pick a Von Erich. Any Von Erich. It’s a sad story. Just like this team. There’s just nothing else you can say.
In seriousness though, if you don’t know who they are DON’T google them. You will cry for the rest of the day.
6. Magilla (Yarp) (Dank Memes and Barbaric Yarps, wtf is happening here? There has to be a team that is better than 1-3, right?): Jake the Snake Roberts
https://samcooney.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/jake-the-snake.jpg
Like Jake in his darkest days, this team is an absolute mess and Yarp’s relationship with his kid has become severely strained. Still, there’s some good talent here (Calvin Johnson is the NFL equivalent of the DDT, and Le’Veon should scare the giants of this league like Damien did), he just seems to be destined for a "close but no cigar" career.
5. Cere (Son of a Plumber, 3-1): Big Boss Man
https://fiveelementspodcast.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/d8b5d988d8b1-d8a7d984d985d8b5d8a7d8b1d8b9-the-big-boss-man-4.jpg
The easy choice here would be Dusty, but with draftpicks like Philip Rivers he’s clearly not looking to make friends. He’s looking to dole out punishment to escaped inmates everywhere. His whole team has taken on this ethos. Shit, Yulio’s been running routes, hitting the secondary with a nightstick, and then making every catch in the world. They play dirty, but they’re on a nice run so it's tough to argue with.
4. Smuts (NYU Football, 3-1): Goldberg
http://cdn.fansided.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/229/files/2014/05/20030623_goldberg.jpg
A completely unsustainable early career push. If Freeman stays at this level his RBs can seal up a lot of wins on their own, but once the crowds get over the bluster of this one-trick pony the boos will rain down.
3.Pro (TheProfessionals, 3-1): Giant Gonzalez
http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/13/135089/4673698-6480161125-8a6b0.png
Looked big and scary at first. But a month later everyone realizes he’s just a weird guy with spraypainted muscles.
2.Will (This Is My Other League, 4-0): Junkyard Dog
http://redsarmy.typepad.com/.a/6a01156f2c3287970c0162fd62e65e970d-600wi
"Trendy but not good" sums up the careers of Junkyard and Will. Credit where it’s due: I thought he had the most disappointing draft of all the vets, but he’s ended up 4-0 somehow. Still, Tanny screaming at the bench players can only hurt morale for the Trendy McTrendersons.
1. Yours truly (Wilky2Dope, 4-0): Macho Man
https://youtu.be/8C4lK41SX-Q?t=1m29s
“Cream of the Crop, Nobody does it better.” On-balance. Off-balance. Two of my best players on a bye week? Doesn’t matter. I’m better than you are. Be a man, blowhards:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG7jTAGliyY
Last thing follows all the things that preceded it, WEEK 5 PREVIEW:
Wilky2Dope vs. Not typing that long name again, even if this sentence is longer.
The Professor could learn a thing or two from the rookie. Namely how to suck ass at RB and still win somehow.
Guru says: Wilk by 22
Wilk Says: Wilk by 22 (it’s my favorite number, so I’ll stick with it)
Smuts vs. Ernie.
Don’t think this will be the blowout they’re predicting, but Smuts does have an advantage here. Mostly because Ernie is too busy teasing a Beckham trade without pulling it off. He's having so much fun with that I’m not even sure he knows he has a matchup.
Guru says: Smuts by 24
Wilk says: Smuts by 8
Ceej vs. KC
A matchup with Ceej is the perfect opportunity for a fellow 1-3 team to get back on track. Don’t feel bad for Ceej though. He’s still a better bowler than all of us, and I’d honestly rather have that going for me.
Guru says: KC by 33
Wilk says: KC by 40
Will vs. Cere
There will only be one undefeated team whose owner’s name starts with “Wil” after this week, but their name ends with a “k.” Big Boss Man puts the “L” in WiLL” in a loss that’ll surely force the Trendsetters to make some bad waiver pickups.
Guru says: Cere by 9
Wilk says: Cere by 30
Pro vs. Magilla
I give Pro a hard time, but he’ll almost certainly bounce back this week. His WRs are frankly scary and Yarp’s team is (mostly) scary bad. Look out for magilla’s sneaky advantage at positions no one pays attention to though. He can put up serious points at K and D while others are fully content getting 2 goose eggs.
Guru says: Pro by 17
Wilk says: Pro by 5
Shawn vs. Jersey
This is a real “Who’s who?” of “Who gives a fuck?”
Guru says: Even money basically
Wilk says: I refuse to take a good look at this matchup. Let’s go with Jersey by 3 because he has McFadden and that’s exactly how many points he’ll get.
|
Printer-friendly copy 
Email this topic to a friend
Okay Sports
