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warren, matt, smuts, shawn-- the fantastically bad four. gather round, gents. let's talk math. there's nine games left in your fantasy season, and you're 1-4 or 0-5. blowhards history tells us that eight wins is required for a chance at the 'offs. for you, that means the goal is a 7-2 record from here on out. might be tempting to look at that and decide to start dismantling your team for next year's parts, but there's a reason why teams don't punt on 3rd and 20. you're down, but you're by no means out.
if we've learned nothing else from my dream 0-4 to 10-4 worst-to-first season from last year that no one can stop talking about and which i recently sold the movie rights to disney, 1-4 is not a death sentence. neither is 0-5. i could've started 0-6 last year and still made the 'offs. so on the plus side, your season is not yet over. on the downside, you're not me, so your season is probably over.
another way to look at it though is this. you're currently only two or three games out of a playoff spot, and winning games against the teams above you can fast track you up the standings. ernie-- the current fourth place team-- needs to go 5-4 from here on out. look at ernie's team. look at your team. i can tell you there are fantastically bad four teams that have as good a shot to go 7-2 as ernie does to go 5-4. likewise, sarah (3-2, fifth place) is bleeding from every orafice right now. your season isn't over. don't send the special teams out just yet.
LEAGUE STANDINGS (Breakdown ranking in parentheses):
1. (1) TheProfessionals (5-0) - 617.16 points
2. (3) The Sorry Ass Receivers (5-0) - 579.34 points
3. (9) One Sixteen (4-1) - 536.34 points
4. (7) AM GoHards (3-2) - 585.00 points
5. (2) The Brian Heenans (3-2) - 584.78 points
6. (4) Imbruglia These Nutz (3-2) - 561.30 points
7. (6) Bernard Jarvis Green Ellis LLC (2-3) - 569.68 points
8. (9) Super Generic Team Name IV (2-3) - 525.64 points
9. (4) Harbor City Whoo-Ride (1-4) - 584.30 points
10. (8) mad science (1-4) - 525.88 points
11. (12) NYU Football (1-4) - 478.18 points
12. (11) Vanessa Lane Bryant (0-5) - 526.18 points
SOME STUFF THAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK:
TheProfessionals - 138.94
NYU Football - 81.24
What Had Happened: last year's champ is in some trouble. smuts's team has failed to crack triple digits in three of five weeks, is last in breakdown, and managed just 1 TD this week. a nightmare first-to-worst season-- smuts just sold the movie rights to lionsgate with james wan attached to direct. outside of greg olsen (the #4 TE, 4 points away from #1, who no one but me was excited about after the draft), my squad did nothing special this week and still dropped a league high buck-38. my team's floor is your team's ceiling. you should be concerned about that.
One Sixteen - 136.36
Harbor City Whoo-Ride - 127.22
What Had Happened: ruh-roh. you guys let KC survive a rocky first few weeks, and now he's 4-1 with the elder manning firing on all cylinders. still 9th in breakdown, but make no mistake, this team is a problem moving forward. warren's overacheiving WR corps of steve smith and kelvin benjamin that beckoned him out of the witness protection program last week combined for 7 points and buried an otherwise solid team performance. his trip back to alakanuk, alaska (pronounced 'ah-LUCK-uh-nuck') has already been booked, where the local eskimos have over 50 different words for acumen.
Super Generic Team Name IV - 103.26
The Brian Heenans - 73.78
What Had Happened: sarah's point totals the last four weeks have gone like this: 146.48, 124.00, 110.62, 73.78. i'm not smart enough to decipher a pattern out of that sequence of numbers, but maybe you are. sarah got mad two weeks ago when i didn't rank him #1. sarah also got mad when i told him he was putting on a master class on how to mismanage your team into the ground. sarah should stop getting mad and start paying more attention to my professional opinion. as for the game, sarah caught three wicked in-game injuries (donald brown, calvin, and yimmy graham), but his team isn't good anyway, so who cares. if he'd only subscribed to sports injury predictor, none of this would've happened. will hilariously took double advantage of sarah's hobbled calvin johnson by starting the main benefactor of that injury, golden tate. also, percy had a ridiculous 3 TDs called back on penalties monday night and randle continues to get a nonsensical amount of targets for his skill level, so will's squad-- which has mostly looked like a WR wasteland up to this point-- may have a flicker of life left in it.
Imbruglia These Nutz - 123.58
mad science - 98.64
What Had Happened: demarybust decided to make up for a month of disappointing stats in one game, and that was all she wrote. frank's got major league problems at RB2 though, thanks mostly to the bernard pierce implosion that several of you laughed at me for predicting, despite it being one of the easiest calls of the preseason. pierce is currently residing on the blowhards waiver wire for the bargain basement price of absolutely free, if anyone is interested in acquiring a sub-mediocre young RB who's done nothing for three years and just got benched for a 29-year-old journeyman scatback. illmatic caught a bad week from cruz and keenan (47 yards combined) and his RBs are not good, which tends to happen when you draft backups (jeremy hill and carlos hyde) with your 4th and 6th round picks. as i said after the draft, i'm really glad russell wilson ended up on a team where-- as matt's backup to aaron rodgers-- no one will benefit from his breakout season.
The Sorry Ass Receivers - 122.12
Vanessa Lane Bryant - 100.14
What Had Happened: you can make a reasonable defense for leaving arian foster on your bench, and i'm sure shawn will, but it should still never happen. funny thing is, this may be one of the better 0-5 teams in league history. shawn's cracked triple digits in four of five games, and that's with charles and foster doing mostly nothing to this point. anchored by matty ice, with gronk rounding into form and welker having a back row seat to the manning circus (still nice work if you can get it), i can say that if this team was 2-3, i'd be genuinely concerned. meanwhile, shells punched his ticket to the 5-0 executive lounge thanks to his unholy keeper duo of alshon and orange yulius. legit.
AM GoHards - 122.76
Bernard Jarvis Green Ellis LLC - 86.24
What Had Happened: in week two, ceej and sarah had an epic battle that ended with a score of 146.48 to 144.34. three weeks later, their matchup would've been 86.24 to 73.78. those of you who are interested in learning how to steer cars off of cliffs at high speeds should take careful notes. ernie's team had a rough week bailed out by the packers D's thursday night bullying of christian ponder. there are organizations designed to protect people against that kind of treatment, and i sincerely hope ponder gets in touch with one.
SOME STUFF THAT HASN'T HAPPENED YET:
TheProfessionals (5-0) vs. The Brian Heenans (3-2)
Proru Says: it's breesus's bye week and guru doesn't think i even need a QB to win this matchup. hilarious and entertaining as that would be, i'll probably end up throwing someone in there. locker, geno, is sanchez still in the league? who cares. me by 25.
Super Generic Team Name IV (2-3) vs. One Sixteen (4-1)
Proru Says: on the surface, this looks like a walk for KC, but both these teams are tied for 9th in breakdown and are 11 points apart on the season. the montee ball injury (second easiest call of the preseason) actually makes will's team better, and the calvin injury makes golden tate the guy in detroit. oh, man, i'm this close to pushing the upset special button. but peyton manning though. commish by 5.
Harbor City Whoo-Ride (1-4) vs. Imbruglia These Nutz (3-2)
Proru Says: which team will show up this week, good warren or bad warren? which warren will show up this week, acumen warren or ghost warren? better ghost, dad or casper the friendly? amazingly, this is the second matchup this week consisting of two teams tied in breakdown, with both frank and warren in 4th. guru likes warren this week based on his ownership of a functional RB2. i kind of agree. unless demarybust decides again to condense 90% of his month-long fantasy production into one game, i think we're getting another haunting this week. UPSET SPECIAL. christmas future by 10.
mad science (1-4) vs. Vanessa Lane Bryant (0-5)
Proru Says: this matchup is the classic very resistable force against the easily moveable object. it's a shame someone has to win this. you can feel the lack of electricity in the building. both teams are primed and ready to give 10%... and so on and so forth. the ANTI-GAME OF THE WEEK. shawn by 5.
NYU Football (1-4) vs. AM GoHards (3-2)
Proru Says: the champ is on the ropes and ernie is looking to deliver the knockout blow, and those are just two of the many cliches i have left over from the previous matchup. with demarco going up against the seahawks run D, smuts actually has a chance here. with reggie bush possibly out though, he'll need big games from wayne and tone, and an immediate turnaround from lesean mccoy to stay alive. won't get it. ernie by 15.
The Sorry Ass Receivers (5-0) vs. Bernard Jarvis Green Ellis LLC (2-3)
Proru Says: guru has ceej projected for a league-high (as long as i don't start a QB) 150 points this week. guru must not follow our league very closely. with fatt stafford missing his security blanket, brandon marshall banged up, and rashad jennings out, this could be another shaky week for the rookie. shelly's got crabtree nursing a potentially serious foot injury, but the rest of his squad is a green light. on the other hand, the executive lounge is too crowded and i'm bad at sharing. UPSET SPECIAL PART 2. ceej by 10.
LEAGUE POWER RANKINGS:
1. TheProfessionals - in my last 17 games in this league, i'm 16-1, including 15 straight regular season wins. you guys were wise to shoot down my idea about awarding a percentage of the league pot to the top regular season record and most points, 'cause i'm currently on top of both those categories too. again. and as demoralizing as it is to think about, THE TEAM NO ONE WANTS TO PLAY got even better this week. although no one could've predicted that a 29-year-old journeyman RB who's never handled more than 163 carries in a season would break down when given a ridiculous workload, the rashad jennings injury suddenly makes my 7th round pick andre williams a top-15 RB and the league's #1 keeper prospect. i also happen to have the league's #2 keeper prospect, jerick mckinnon, stashed safely for the day when he turns his extraterrestrial physical profile into a jamaal charles-esque breakout. finally, i'd like to take this time to remind all of you that i have a league-ruining time bomb sitting on my roster, set to go off in week 12. tick tock.
2. wait, there are other teams in this league?
HILARIOUS WAIVER CLAIMS OF THE WEEK:
i had ronnie hillman stashed on my roster for a few weeks at the beginning of the season in anticipation of the inevitable montee ball bust, until it became not all that clear that hillman would even get the workload. it's still not clear what the broncos want to do with hillman, and it turns out ball's injury isn't all that serious, so naturally ceej just paid 47 bucks for that guy. and then another 32 for antone smith, a guy with 11 carries in 5 games, who everyone would be excited about if he wasn't a 29-year-old career special teamer with more career tackles than carries. oops. "i smack clowns with nouns, punch herbs with verbs..."
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Okay Sports
... ah well keep on truckin. i must stop drafting like doo doo