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link: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2013/03/18/130318sh_shouts_eisenberg
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Shouts & Murmurs
Marv Albert Is My Therapist
by Jesse Eisenberg
ME: Hi, Dr. Albert.
MARV ALBERT: A playoff atmosphere in here tonight!
ME: Well, it’s been a tough week. My mother came to visit me.
MARV ALBERT: From downtown!
ME: And, of course, she immediately asked if I was still sleeping with Sarah.
MARV ALBERT: Out of bounds!
ME: Exactly. It’s not her business.
MARV ALBERT: Unbelievable!
ME: And Sarah won’t even return my calls.
MARV ALBERT: Rejected!
ME: I called her, like, twelve times last night.
MARV ALBERT: A dozen! Unanswered!
ME: I don’t know why I’m surprised. We haven’t been intimate in months.
MARV ALBERT: Stuck outside the perimeter!
ME: Yeah.
MARV ALBERT: Unable to penetrate!
ME: I guess.
MARV ALBERT: Just can’t find the hole!
ME: That’s a little crass, but yeah. Anyway, I actually met this other girl, Becky.
MARV ALBERT: A clutch rebound!
ME: She’s a waitress.
MARV ALBERT: Another easy opportunity!
ME: She’s just coming out of a messy divorce.
MARV ALBERT: A layup!
ME: And she said she hasn’t been on a date in years.
MARV ALBERT: Uncontested!
ME: Everything seemed to be going pretty well. I took her back to my apartment—
MARV ALBERT: Off to a great start!
ME: We were on the bed—
MARV ALBERT: Great hands!
ME: Thanks, Dr. Albert, but she suddenly got, like, freaked out and made some weird excuse—
MARV ALBERT: An explosion of emotions!
ME: Yeah!
MARV ALBERT: Pandemonium!
ME: Right. For no reason.
MARV ALBERT: No choice but to foul!
ME: What?
MARV ALBERT: You’ve got to foul!
ME: What are you suggesting?
MARV ALBERT: With the game on the line, you have to foul!
ME: I would never hurt her.
MARV ALBERT: Then that’s the ballgame!
ME: Yeah, she threw on her jacket and ran out.
MARV ALBERT: Travelling!
ME: So I called after her.
MARV ALBERT: Called for travelling!
ME: But she just left me there, stunned.
MARV ALBERT: Unable to recover!
ME: So I tried to run after her.
MARV ALBERT: Trying to stop a breakaway!
ME: But she slammed the door in my face.
MARV ALBERT: Stuffed!
ME: So I’m standing there alone in my apartment—
MARV ALBERT: Just letting the clock expire!
ME: And then, of course, I started feeling terrible about Sarah again.
MARV ALBERT: Back-to-back losses at home!
ME: Do you think I’ll ever get over her?
MARV ALBERT: And now a quick word from our sponsor.
ME: What?
MARV ALBERT: Visit your local Ford dealer to check out the new Ford S.U.V., the Ford Flex.
ME: I can’t afford a car right now.
MARV ALBERT: It’s the best in its class!
ME: I was never the best in my class.
MARV ALBERT: Have you driven a Ford lately?
ME: I can’t drive.
MARV ALBERT: And we’re back!
ME: I’ve been sitting right here the whole time.
MARV ALBERT: Refusing to go away!
ME: Well, I’ve paid for the whole hour.
MARV ALBERT: We’re going to overtime!
ME: We are?
MARV ALBERT: Yes!
ME: Will I be charged?
MARV ALBERT: Yes!
ME: How much?
MARV ALBERT: Double!
ME: Double?
MARV ALBERT: Triple!
ME: Triple?
MARV ALBERT: Triple double!
ME: Did my insurance say they would cover it?
MARV ALBERT: Rejected!
ME: I figured.
MARV ALBERT: Time for one more!
ME: Dr. Albert, I feel like I have nothing left to live for.
MARV ALBERT: Things are not looking good!
ME: Sometimes I feel like I should just throw myself out the window.
MARV ALBERT: A jumper from the top of the key!
ME: I feel like it’s the only solution.
MARV ALBERT: A quick fadeaway!
ME: Exactly!
MARV ALBERT: A dagger!
ME: A dagger?
MARV ALBERT: Straight down the middle!
ME: Seems a little bloody—
MARV ALBERT: A bullet!
ME: A bullet?
MARV ALBERT: A high-percentage shot!
ME: It’s tempting.
MARV ALBERT: One shot could end this whole thing!
ME: It would be so simple.
MARV ALBERT: A solid execution!
ME: O.K., I’ll do it.
MARV ALBERT: An easy loss to get over!
ME: The world would be better off without me, right, Dr. Albert?
MARV ALBERT: Yes! And it counts! ♦
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