"Speak revolution ( I need some help guys - honest critique)" Thu Apr-03-08 12:49 PM by spades
My people speak revolution Timidly In whispers we curse Gang activity Nigger mentality Non-existent economic opportunity Since every other jobless slob Becomes a B-Dog And nigger mentality feeds off Bad examples We are perched in the eye Of the perfect storm
Still
My people speak revolution Openly Hoping we can Eek out a few more years Of Affirmative-Action Thinking we can Squeeze out an apology From people who are not sorry They call it guilt-fatigue I say apathy You can call it whatever But the days of sympathetic handouts Are gone FOREVER
Yet
My people speak revolution Boldly In proud shouts we espouse Armed conflict Chest thumping Fist pumping Afros and cornrow Black-boots and shotguns REVOLUTION!! They fail to mention Integrity Scholarship Personal responsibility Not quite as sexy As revolution I know Though it is easier
So My people speak revolution Foolishly You think these Ghoulish displays Of rage Pretend pride And real hopelessness Will just fool folks Into forgetting we are outnumbered Our forces dwindle daily Attrition exacerbated by Low graduation High unemployment and incarceration rates A cavalry full of grunts But no generals Because our soldier’s survival rates Ain’t that great either.
But you want a revolution You think you’re ready for it? You think you can win it?
You’re full of shit!
You better get it together Keep revolution’s name out your mouth Lest the beast come looking for you You don’t want war. Better start speaking Peace and reconciliation Or at least Learn the game Uneven playing field and all And start BALLING!!!! Bear your handicaps With grace Rub your success In their face And know That despite all their dirty tricks They couldn’t hold you Despite all the pressure in the world They couldn’t fold you. King of the mountain With all Africa on your back Black Atlas! Now that’s revolution!
I could sense your frustration with the complacency and rhetoric of talking "revolution" without supplying the strength of heart and the resilience to actually acheive revolution. Thanks!
4. "RE: Speak revolution ( I need some help guys - honest critique)" In response to Reply # 0
on the real against revolution meal stone hung from necks smashed beetle juice fly larva right into your spects if there was no revolution blacks would still be moving dolphine cans goods and every homeless person from the hood ain't up to no good twice i spoke good too see both ways of thinking literally kindness is demeaning if you want hand out just sit if you want to be taught bang your fingers among 26 keys what is better the word no or go which rope makes you excel or stop lights control you or do you control it the words were like spit on concrete dried up and absorded staying unders some elses feet but if i twist the concept revolution runs deep into the thinkers thoughts re evaluate what you were taught from american history did the mention black at all and if so it was to show how easy they can fall are you proud 2 be call afro american if so you lost dignity some times one must face blood sacrifices to sustain a race but if you look into the face of danger it spells safe freedom from being erase you look one way i look the other but aren't we both brothers protecting one another wit different run on sentence where's your period class is about to end
over all i rate it a c+ b- do more research get the gentle touch up and you will do just find
when there is a war brewing among the three supremes one is for it one ignore it and the other do it which one are you
i'm the one who ignores but throws stones of hair roots that starts the growth process end product dreadlocks how marvelous we are?
5. "RE: Speak revolution ( I need some help guys - honest critique)" In response to Reply # 0
This is obviously a performance piece, I like. My only advice in writing in general would most honestly be to remain as definitive as possible and you will always win!!!! Best wishes on your slam.
8. "RE: I'll see what I can do about tuning up the specificity" In response to Reply # 6
i'll take that a little farther, if that's cool...
i like the idea of exploring what "revolution" really means in 2008, especially since it's thrown around SO much in slam.
and i was getting into the idea of that the revolution starts with YOU getting yourself together, to lead by example, etc...
i'd like to see/hear more about that. maybe even do more contrast between the "old" definition and your new one.
but mostly thank you for not just spitting the same revolution rhetoric without having anything to back it up...
----- "You Sensitive Bastard", Rob Sturma's latest book of poems, is available directly from the author. It's a pretty book with a real ISBN number and everything.
it seems alittle tight.. feel me? like cliche--like redundant.. try exploring vocabulary and vivid imagery to paint the picture but more uniquely.. that was just honest.. i enjoyed this though... but things have been said many times before such as this
10. "RE: Speak revolution ( I need some help guys - honest critique)" In response to Reply # 0
Some good stuff ... I read some of the comments left by others about it and to some degree... I think some of it has been said before but I saw this as a reminder ...a needed one...at least for me...thank you
~~~~~~
"My country needs me, and if I were not here, I would have to be invented." -Hortense J. Spillers
You say you want a revolution Welllllll you know We all want to change the world You tell me that it's evolution Welllllll you know We all want to change the world But when you talk about destruction Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be ... alright Alright ... Alright
You say you got a real solution Wellllllll you know We'd all love to see the plan You ask me for a contribution Wellllllll you know We're all doing what we can But when you want money for people with minds that hate All I can tell you is brother you have to wait
Don't you know it's gonna be ... alright Alright ... Alright
You say you'll change the constitution Wellllllll you know We all want to change your head You tell me it's the institution Wellllllll you know You better free your mind instead But if you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao You ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow
Don't you know know it's gonna be ... alright Alright ... Alright
Of course your joint has more depth & perception with details suited for this day & age -- the point being -- we'll be talkin' 'bout it -- singin' 'bout it -- flowin' 'bout it -- slammin' 'bout it for ages to come!
My only critique is ......... just keep it real -- flow whatcha feel -- (frustrations, alliterations, revolutionary vibrations) -- And flow it with ~power~ & ~emotion~.
A guitar string vibrating, a measure of my soul, a breech in the silence -- I've always felt like words come through me & I write them down... they have no master --- gsquared ♥
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