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We wish that this was a post that didn't have to be written. That would be great. We wish that all of the rap albums that came out were just wonderful, cohesive pieces of art people worked on honestly and diligently. But we can't even imagine that world. That's some sort of too-beautiful utopia that we don't think the human brain can even process. Or it'd be like nirvana. Like, if you ever found yourself in such a world, you would be released from the prison of human consciousness, and so then would have no way of experiencing how awesome it was, or of even knowing you'd attained such a state.
There probably wouldn't be racism or even any kind of hatred at all. There wouldn't be pollution. Everyone in Syria would be getting along just fine. Love and Hip-Hop wouldn't be a thing. LeBron would've stayed in Cleveland. All that. But alas, they are not. For every 400 Degreez or Aquemini there are 400,000 Kingdom Come(s) or Rebirth(s). So, for you, a cheat sheet: A list (surprise!) of ways for you to know that you should not listen to an album. Here are some telltale Signs A Rap Album Will Suck.
Written by Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano)
9. There's a genre mashup on there. http://cdnl.complex.com/m.php/CHANNEL_IMAGES/MUSIC/2013/09/signs-an-album-will-suck/musif_ll_715343.jpg
Four words: Nelly and Tim McGraw.
Five words: That shit was the worst.
Six words: LL Cool J and Brad Paisley.
Seven words: That shit was somehow even worse still.
Ten Words: Eventually, our ears were like, "You know what? Fuck you."
Forty-four words: Just don't do it. Don't listen to that album. It's going to suck. Instead just be like, "Oh, there's a rap/EDM track? Cool. How about if instead of listening to it I..." And then just stab yourself in the heart with a machete.
8. The album title is a play on another album title that's already famous. http://cdnl.complex.com/m.php/CHANNEL_IMAGES/MUSIC/2013/09/signs-an-album-will-suck/yvmif_billmatic_715343.jpg
Don't. Don't do that. Don't listen to that album. If you're like, "Mayne, I can't wait for Billmatic to drop!" or whatthefuckever, then you kind of deserve terrible in your ears. That shit never works out. Like, IT DIDN'T EVEN WORK OUT FOR NAS. It's definitely not gonna work out for anyone else. #RIPstillmatic
7. You see a picture of the rapper with a guitar in his hands at any point before the album comes out. http://cdnl.complex.com/m.php/CHANNEL_IMAGES/MUSIC/2013/09/signs-an-album-will-suck/npmth_lil_wayne_guitar_715343.jpg
We all remember this, right? They were like, "But Wayne, that's awesome. When did you learn how to play the guitar?" And he was like, "What? Oh, nah. I don't know how to play. But, I'm saying, somebody just bring me a fedora. We'll be good to go." And then somebody brought him a fedora. But they were not good to go. They were whatever the opposite of that is. (Bad to stay? Nevermind. That's stupid. Sorry.) #RIPlilWayne
6. The rapper is "bringing real hip-hop back." http://cdnl.complex.com/m.php/CHANNEL_IMAGES/MUSIC/2013/09/signs-an-album-will-suck/wmych_mc_shan_lbhhb_715343.jpg
We wrote something like 300 words out just for this. ("No you're not. You're bringing annoying back though. You're bringing annoying back like a motherfucker." So on and on.) But then I remembered: 2012 MC Shan.
Dang. 
So here you go. #RIPmcShanLegacy
5. The album came out three weeks after the rapper's previous album. http://cdnl.complex.com/m.php/CHANNEL_IMAGES/MUSIC/2013/09/signs-an-album-will-suck/yvtgq_plies_sucks_715343.jpg
Oh hey, 2008 Plies. How have you been? Good? That's great.
If it took a rapper six years to record his or her first album, and then 45 minutes to record his or her second, you can just go ahead and walk right past it in the store.
p.s. You should probably just go ahead and avoid ANY Plies album. He's just a crater of awful. I was listening through SoundCloud on Monday night and his sweet, sweet love song "Fuck The Shit Out You" came on and, I mean, dudes, there's a line in it where he grumbles, "Wiggle that head around in that pussy." WIGGLE THAT HEAD AROUND IN THAT PUSSY. That's a real thing that he thought would be dope to say. I don't even know. I just picked up my computer and then smashed it into a million tiny pieces and then I took those million tiny pieces and used them to scoop my eyeballs out of my heads. I'm blind now. It's not that great.
4. The artist says the only reason critics don't like his album is because of politics. http://cdnl.complex.com/m.php/CHANNEL_IMAGES/MUSIC/2013/09/signs-an-album-will-suck/btbqh_critics_715343.jpg
Nah. Nope. Nah. People that write about music (and most people that listen to music, for that matter) really enjoy finding something new that is smart and intriguing and interesting. That's basically the best part of the job. LeBron James can be a total prick to work with, but he still signed a $900,000,000 contract. Humans will gladly consume an asshole's wonderful album. If you can't find more than your friends to tell you that your music is good, if you've put out a tape or a few and nobody's championing you but you, then here's a guess: It's just not very good.
3. The artist says, "It has records for the ladies, for the fellas, for the streets, for the clubs..." http://cdnl.complex.com/m.php/CHANNEL_IMAGES/MUSIC/2013/09/signs-an-album-will-suck/vqegr_dj_khaled_715343.jpg
Oh, I see. Cool, cool. So basically: You just have no idea about you're doing then? Got it. Awesome. Thanks.
Remember: "A little something for everyone" usually means "a lot of nothing for anyone."
2. The rapper responded to Kendrick Lamar even though he didn't name them. http://cdnl.complex.com/m.php/CHANNEL_IMAGES/MUSIC/2013/09/signs-an-album-will-suck/dzdon_pap_715343.jpg
Come on guys. There's a reason he didn't name you. (Oh hey, Papoose. How've you been? Not that great, we're guessing.)
1. The artist says it's "gonna be a classic." http://cdnl.complex.com/m.php/CHANNEL_IMAGES/MUSIC/2013/09/signs-an-album-will-suck/qogcc_bigsean4_715343.jpg
"It's gonna be a classic." –a rapper, when asked about the sandwich he plans on eating for lunch.
"It's gonna be a classic." –a rapper, when asked about the type of insurance plan he's gonna go with on his iPhone.
"It's gonna be a classic." –a rapper, when asked about an impending bowel movement.
"It's gonna be a classic." –a rapper, when asked about a compliment he received on Twitter that he's planning to retweet.
"It's gonna be a classic." –a rapper, when asked about his soon-to-be-released album.
"It's gonna be a classic." –a rapper, when asked about his upcoming cameo on Love and Hip-Hop.
"It's gonna be a classic." –a rapper, when asked about the manner in which he sees his career flaming out.
"It's gonna be a classic." –a rapper, when asked about his assistant manager part-time job that he had to pick up after his classic album sold a classically disappointing amount of copies.
"It's gonna be a classic." –a rapper, when asked about the way he planned on suiciding himself.
Saying your album is going to be a classic is like the rap version of those velour pants that have "SEXY" written in cursive across the butt. Those shits are NEVER telling the truth.
*Ed. Note—No shots at Big Sean or his album Hall of Fame, but he is one of the more high profile rappers to recently say this, thus making him the posterboy for such a statement. Don't worry Sean, we're sure someone will take your place soon enough.* ******************************************
Falcons, Braves, Bulldogs and Hawks
Geto Boys, Poison Clan, UGK, Eightball & MJG, OutKast, Goodie Mob
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