I've been struggling with alcoholism since I was 22.

When my primary said I would get cirrhosis in 10 years, I took it as a challenge of sorts.

Little did I know I would get S4 cirhossis at 28...guess I won (?).

The ledge of knowing I'm standing at the end didn't keep me from relapsing again. I finally went to rehab in Waxahachie, TX on Dec 11 and came back to El Paso on Jan 22.

Attended AA, kept in contact with my good friends at rehab, counseling, etc. Still, I was at arm's length from feeling my bottom.

The main culprit for me is being complacent and not sticking to the routine I had established prior to returning back to the 915.

It's unfathomable that I would *want* to drink *knowing* I have this death sentence...but the grip has me.

And here I am. Relapsed b/c "this time it'll be different."

That's why when I read godleeluv's post, I felt i had to share as well (despite me being a lurker for years).

Godleeluv, get whatever help you feel is comfortable for you. Whether that is AA, SMART recovery, counseling, etc.

The lifelong dependency of a poison to want that head change or because it's out of habit, is not worth the long term damage it does to the mind, body, soul, and bridges that'll burn to those you hold closest.

I pray you'll get through this.

_____________________________________
No need to get my mental status cold stressin

peace to godleeluv too

A part of me is fearful because I’ve been lucky. So many times Ive been in bad situations because of drinking. One night I was drinking and I had my kids dad take them to his house. He saw I was drunk but instead of offering to drive me he just took them and let me drive. Sent me a text later that said I hope u made it home safe. I didn’t. I ended up getting “lost” and pulled over at an abandoned gas station in the middle of the sticks somewhere. My phone died and I just couldn’t figure out what to do. So I fell asleep. The next morning I woke up cause I thought I heard my kids calling my name but I realized I was still in the car alone and then I realized my charger for my phone was in my trunk. Anything could have happened.

That’s just one of many times things were bad because I chose to drink. I’m not going to lie I am scared to see what all these years of drinking has done to my body.

And I’m fearful that one real tragedy could push me over the edge. Which is why I want to get a handle on it before I get a dui or worse.

Life is going to happen regardless. Drinking doesn’t fix anything. And it has gotten to the point now that bad things happen every time. Even if it’s a small thing. My family sees it. My close friends see it. I feel secluded and hopeless because I keep going through a cycle.

I feel like it’s nothing but grace that has protected me so far but I also see that grace running out.

And I got these babies that need me.

I have to stop drinking. It isn’t a choice anymore. I feel like it’s life or death for me too.

I hope things get easier for the both of us. I hope that the people we have hurt forgive us including ourselves. Guilt is the worst part.
... "A Beautiful Struggle"
https://m.facebook.com/jamelabullock
Www.reverbnation.com/jamela

MELa
Musically.Entertaining.Lyrically.Alluring.

The situation you laid forth is one of those things where, yes, by the graces it turned out well. Too many times I found myself where I should've gotten 2-3-4-5- DWI's instead of the one I got (almost driving into Mexico??? scary..). A camera and breathalyzer in your whip is not a good look.

I'm taken a back that your children's father would let you drive. Sounds like a POS. I'm literally shaking my head as I type this. I digress...

If you're really concerned about the damage done to your body, speak to a GI. I got a liver biopsy done and that's how I found out about my cirhossis. A few months earlier, I had liver failure and quite literally turned into a Simpson character color.

Taking lactulose and ultrasounds, endoscopys, blood work, etc every 3-6 months takes its toll on the body and psyche after a while. So if you can get ahead of it, and see where you stand physically, do it.

Seclusion comes with this territory. In my humble, it's about getting that routine. Stick to it... when you feel like not going through the motions, that's when you *should* go. Whether that's AA, calling a family/friend, sponsor, etc.

As far as you and your babies, that is easy enough for people on the outside to say, "You have *children*! Why can't you stop?". I don't have children and I wish I could have, but don't stop drinking for them. Stop b/c you want to better yourself. Your sobriety comes first before all else.

From there, blocks will fall in place. It's a lifelong process and project where the only reward is a smile at the end of the night because staying sober, regardless of how long, is a miracle.

Godleeluv.... guilt is tremendous. It weighs us down to the point you feel no one undestands because they don't. You alluded to having close supportt from fam/friends but also from these boards. Keep them close as I'm sure they (we) will do the same.

Only positive vibes - Joel.

_____________________________________
No need to get my mental status cold stressin

>
>The situation you laid forth is one of those things where,
>yes, by the graces it turned out well. Too many times I found
>myself where I should've gotten 2-3-4-5- DWI's instead of the
>one I got (almost driving into Mexico??? scary..). A camera
>and breathalyzer in your whip is not a good look.

It’s not. And neither is an accident. Or hurting someone else or yourself.

>
>I'm taken a back that your children's father would let you
>drive. Sounds like a POS. I'm literally shaking my head as I
>type this. I digress...

I was angry at first but I realize he is just done with me and the alcohol thing. It ruined our relationship and he has seen me at my worst. If he would have offered to drive me home or even just to his house I would have said ok. But he didn’t. So yeah he is wack for that.
>
>If you're really concerned about the damage done to your body,
>speak to a GI. I got a liver biopsy done and that's how I
>found out about my cirhossis. A few months earlier, I had
>liver failure and quite literally turned into a Simpson
>character color.

I will do that. I’m going to wait till I’ve gone a while without drinking tho.
>
>Taking lactulose and ultrasounds, endoscopys, blood work, etc
>every 3-6 months takes its toll on the body and psyche after a
>while. So if you can get ahead of it, and see where you stand
>physically, do it.

Yes sir
>
>Seclusion comes with this territory. In my humble, it's about
>getting that routine. Stick to it... when you feel like not
>going through the motions, that's when you *should* go.
>Whether that's AA, calling a family/friend, sponsor, etc.

Yes emotion plays a big part of all of this. How I feel. Therapy will help me a lot I believe. I have blockages and things I’ve suppressed that I need to deal with. I’m scared of the emotion it will bring.
>
>As far as you and your babies, that is easy enough for people
>on the outside to say, "You have *children*! Why can't you
>stop?". I don't have children and I wish I could have, but
>don't stop drinking for them. Stop b/c you want to better
>yourself. Your sobriety comes first before all else.
>

That’s so true.
>From there, blocks will fall in place. It's a lifelong process
>and project where the only reward is a smile at the end of the
>night because staying sober, regardless of how long, is a
>miracle.


It seems like a daily battle
>
>Godleeluv.... guilt is tremendous. It weighs us down to the
>point you feel no one undestands because they don't. You
>alluded to having close supportt from fam/friends but also
>from these boards. Keep them close as I'm sure they (we) will
>do the same.
>

I’m blessed to have family and close friends and these boards. You have no idea how much this post alone has helped me today
>Only positive vibes - Joel.
>

Back at you -Jamela

... "A Beautiful Struggle"
https://m.facebook.com/jamelabullock
Www.reverbnation.com/jamela

MELa
Musically.Entertaining.Lyrically.Alluring.

did the chris/cube gif ....

Only goes to show all walks of life can be halted.

When I got my DWI I nearly crashed into a family of four. A 3 yo named Lily and an 18 month old named Christina.

Father found me passed out at 2pm after I crashed through a fence and landed on an embankment. He got out and woke me...asked if I was ok.

It wasn't until I came to my senses that he told me I narrowly missed T-boning the back of his vic that would've done unimaginable damage to what matters most.

I was drunk and in a haze. Yet, I still remember apologizing profusely to the 35+ year old man to what could've been.

He knew I had an open container yet didn't tell the responding officer about it. I was eventually charged and so it went....

Point is, graces do eventually run out. Jamela, every day is a battle... the victory at the end is thanking those graces that led you to another miracle of being sober on the daily, and waking up knowing (literally) where you're at, how much is in your bank account, and being fresh to see a sunrise to provide for your youngins.

As I mentioned, I don't have children; but I did love waking up my ex's 6 year old to get her ready for school. Only to hear her beg to not go and bribing to make her huevo con chorizo.

It's these little victories that make a clear mind worth it...

-Joel

_____________________________________
No need to get my mental status cold stressin

>did the chris/cube gif ...

>Only goes to show all walks of life can be halted.

Exactly. It’s about self sabotage and believe me it’s not a pretty sight.
>
>When I got my DWI I nearly crashed into a family of four. A 3
>yo named Lily and an 18 month old named Christina.
>
>Father found me passed out at 2pm after I crashed through a
>fence and landed on an embankment. He got out and woke
>me...asked if I was ok.
>
>It wasn't until I came to my senses that he told me I narrowly
>missed T-boning the back of his vic that would've done
>unimaginable damage to what matters most.


That’s deep. I wish more people had that empathy. Reminds me of a time someone hit me and I had a can of beer in the car that I hadn’t finished from the night before in the console. When he hit me the beer spilled and made the car smell. I had not had anything to drink that day, wasn’t at fault In the crash, but was terrified that the officer would smell the spilled beer and charge me with having an open container. But grace again was with me.

Later that day after I left the er for a check up my mom drove me to my car that had been towed to get out my personal belongings. I was so shook she was going to try to help me. And I was trying to figure out how to get rid of the beer can without anyone seeing me. That was scarier than the police cause my mama don’t play. Lol
>
>I was drunk and in a haze. Yet, I still remember apologizing
>profusely to the 35+ year old man to what could've been.
>
>He knew I had an open container yet didn't tell the responding
>officer about it. I was eventually charged and so it went....
>
>Point is, graces do eventually run out. Jamela, every day is a
>battle... the victory at the end is thanking those graces that
>led you to another miracle of being sober on the daily, and
>waking up knowing (literally) where you're at, how much is in
>your bank account, and being fresh to see a sunrise to provide
>for your youngins.

Yes grace does run out. And I’ve taken it for granted. I am truly grateful for grace and I don’t want to push it any further. It’s funny when u see the grace running out. Sad when I see my parents faces disappointed that their child is fucking up. The. The guilt comes. They love me to no end and just want me to be the best me I can be. Self sabotage can rot all that hope away.
>
>As I mentioned, I don't have children; but I did love waking
>up my ex's 6 year old to get her ready for school. Only to
>hear her beg to not go and bribing to make her huevo con
>chorizo.
>
>It's these little victories that make a clear mind worth
>it...

Yeah. Kids are the best. They really are genuine and innocent. I don’t ever want my drinking to be a cause of pain for them. I hope it hasn’t. 🥺
>
>-Joel


... "A Beautiful Struggle"
https://m.facebook.com/jamelabullock
Www.reverbnation.com/jamela

MELa
Musically.Entertaining.Lyrically.Alluring.

>That’s deep. I wish more people had that empathy. Reminds
>me of a time someone hit me and I had a can of beer in the car
>that I hadn’t finished from the night before in the console.
> When he hit me the beer spilled and made the car smell. I
>had not had anything to drink that day, wasn’t at fault In
>the crash, but was terrified that the officer would smell the
>spilled beer and charge me with having an open container.
>But grace again was with me.

It's crazy and quite scary how lucky we can get getting away with these things that'll normally cost us dearly. Graces stay gracing.

>Later that day after I left the er for a check up my mom drove
>me to my car that had been towed to get out my personal
>belongings. I was so shook she was going to try to help me.
>And I was trying to figure out how to get rid of the beer can
>without anyone seeing me. That was scarier than the police
>cause my mama don’t play. Lol

Mama's dont fuck around! I feel you... my parents are separated and when I got in that accident I mentioned, my father was the first one to arrive. Mind you, he's about 6'3" 285 of old school Mexican. But when my mother arrived, she parked on the other side of the street and crossed. Giving ZERO fucks about on coming traffic. She did not look any other direction other than the depths of my soul from 40 feet out lol.

All traffic stopped - even my pops said, "your mom looks like a terminator. Good luck". No joke - that's what he said and let me deal with my 5'2" ferocious mother who gave me the 3rd and then some.

>Yes grace does run out. And I’ve taken it for granted. I am
>truly grateful for grace and I don’t want to push it any
>further. It’s funny when u see the grace running out. Sad
>when I see my parents faces disappointed that their child is
>fucking up. The. The guilt comes. They love me to no end and
>just want me to be the best me I can be. Self sabotage can
>rot all that hope away.

This is the worst... my mom would cry asking what she did wrong. It would break my heart momentarily at the time, but I was so self-absorbed I kept it moving.

Looking back, my parents were hand-cuffed. They love me and have ALWAYS supported me despite their own issues. That guilt of letting them down only led me further down the rabbit hole.

I hope you have a solid relationship with your parents b/c IMO, this foundation is the most important to build off of. Seems like you are, but I don't wanna assume.

Anywho, today is another day as they say - I hope and pray you're seeing sides that are greener.

-Joel

_____________________________________
No need to get my mental status cold stressin

And it's felt.

im rooting for both of you

🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
... "A Beautiful Struggle"
https://m.facebook.com/jamelabullock
Www.reverbnation.com/jamela

MELa
Musically.Entertaining.Lyrically.Alluring.

Stay strong

------

12 play and 12 planets are enlighten for all the Aliens to Party and free those on the Sex Planet-maxxx

XBL: trkc21
Twitter: @tyrcasey

none of this coulda easy to share

"we family"

IG: amadu_me

"...Whateva, man..." (c) Redman

Your post is amazing and needed.


.
.
“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” ~ Albert Einstein

"I cannot see how nature could have created itself. Only a supernatural force that is outside of space and time could have done that. ~ Francis Collins

And you will know MY JACKET IS GOLD when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

It is unfortunate but relapse is a very real thing. I celebrated 1 yr without booze on Monday and i did not think i would make it this long. Find a room in your new locale that you feel comfortable with and people you feel comfortable with. A good support system is imperative so you have people to talk to when times get hard. Having people that are there for you but not "there" can make matters difficult. I wish you all the best and if you need anything feel free to reach out to the inbox. You can do this man, One day at a time is all we can do, but it is also what we need. Peace and blessings.

Much appreciated - and congrats on getting that 1 year under your belt.

_____________________________________
No need to get my mental status cold stressin

A friend of mine whom i have known for years spends most of his time bartending and still does the recovery thing like a badass. It is the story of 6 people who have chosen a different way to live. One of the girls featured was on the rocks new show on NBC and all of them are an inspiration.

https://soberandstoked.com/

How does your friend bartend all the while maintaining sobriety? Seems like a difficult task to handle without the obvious temptations.

_____________________________________
No need to get my mental status cold stressin

I wish you the best in your sobriety.

Addiction is hard in any form, and no matter what happens you should be proud of the progress made so far. Great luck to you.

__________________________________________

I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

— F. Scott Fitzgerald