Let’s ignore that fact that I have said on this here board that I don’t date/am borderline asexual and have a quick conversation about introverts dating introverts.

If you’re introverted and/or are a bit of a “loner,” do you date people who are like you? Have you found these partnerships to be more successful? Less successful? About the same as your partnerships with more extroverted types?

I’m embarrassed to even admit what led me to post this.

Let’s just say I’m really into a hip-hop/jazz producer who is known to be very reclusive and socially awkward during interviews. I was fantasizing about what would happen if I had an opportunity to date him (Shut up!), or someone like him, and how that would pan out?

I’ve noticed that I tend to be attracted to dudes who are not outgoing, which may be troublesome. I don’t know.

P.S. I’m fully aware that not all introverts are “loners.” However, all loners are pretty much introverts, no?

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

Married folks can chime in, too.

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

On a fundamental level, I just don't give a fuck about fitting in, socializing for the sake of socializing, small talk, "look at me" type activities, etc. I can entertain myself 100% 365 days a year. My lady has to understand this, because trying to turn me into "everyone else" is a fool's errand.

My experience with extroverted women is that they need too much superficial attention to match well with me.

Edit: I'm an introverted loner, HOWEVER I can be quite outgoing and talkative at times too. I took a test at work, and it said that I'm extroverted. I call myself an introvert tho because of what I wrote above. I love spending big chunks of time alone doing my weird hobbies. I prefer to be quiet and think rather than small talk, etc.

I'm an introvert and a loner and I realized after a few consecutive weeks of having big all-day Sunday afternoon/evening dates, I wind up exhausted beyond belief all day Monday. And then I realized that's because I'm not used to having to be "on" and talking nonstop for 5 - 7 hours. I'm going to have to work up to that.

But I usually don't meet very many loner women. Almost every woman I meet prioritizes having a solid crew of at least 3 - 4 close friends or same-age family members. Now I do meet women who aren't super outgoing, but in those situations, the burden usually falls on me to be the outgoing one, and if I can't do that, she'll go find some dude who can.

or someone who isn't necessarily an extrovert. but the loner has to be resourceful
and smart. i've dated mostly "extroverts" and hasn't worked for me so, time for a
change.

or there's going to be resentment on both sides. Been there done that. Its the worst.

-------------------------------------------------
http://www.soundcloud.com/sectachrome

but I had to break out of that. dating pool is hella small for dudes that don't make themselves known.

so I learned to gift of gab. I don't mean from a game standpoint, but just being able to hold convos with anyone. it helps a lot with easing with comforting the situation.

really made it easy to talk to chicks. so ultimately, it didn't matter if I hooked up with an introvert or extravert. I could make the most of the convo by just making sure I was relaxed and engaging.

Y'all buy those labels, I was born supreme

intro chics...
that I would/could rock wit


it's worked out 'ok' I guess because it's pretty much all I know

the issues arise when their need to have or be around person xyz and I'm like ....for what? and why do I gotta go?

=======================================
Coolin...

>Let’s just say I’m really into a hip-hop/jazz producer who
>is known to be very reclusive and socially awkward during
>interviews. I was fantasizing about what would happen if I had
>an opportunity to date him (Shut up!), or someone like him,
>and how that would pan out?


Madlib?


I was more of an introvert growing up and became more extroverted as I matured. I'm not purely one or the other now + I don't really like labels like that since I feel it's a little more complex that intro/extro; however, I will say that the best relationships are between people that compliment and dare I say complete (just saw Jerry Maguire again on HULU) each other. I'm sure 2 introverted people could get along just fine, but it sounds kinda boring to me.. not to mention the fact that it would probably be too much of a comfort zone to be in. Very little to no growth.

>
>>Let’s just say I’m really into a hip-hop/jazz producer
>who
>>is known to be very reclusive and socially awkward during
>>interviews. I was fantasizing about what would happen if I
>had
>>an opportunity to date him (Shut up!), or someone like him,
>>and how that would pan out?
>
>
>Madlib?

YES! If I woke up one morning with him between my legs, I would NOT push him out or call the 5-0.

This interview really did it for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yQ0pBCzckw

Like, why are you so fine and interesting?!

He has kids. His babymother/s are probably not what one might expect. There's a Dilla documentary featuring the mother of his daughter and I thought, "Oh, that's your baby mama?!" LOL. Like, don't get it twisted. Dilla never had the same vibe as Common so I wasn't expecting her to be some Afro-Boho chick but still...

>I was more of an introvert growing up and became more
>extroverted as I matured. I'm not purely one or the other now
>+ I don't really like labels like that since I feel it's a
>little more complex that intro/extro; however, I will say that
>the best relationships are between people that compliment and
>dare I say complete (just saw Jerry Maguire again on HULU)
>each other. I'm sure 2 introverted people could get along
>just fine, but it sounds kinda boring to me.. not to mention
>the fact that it would probably be too much of a comfort zone
>to be in. Very little to no growth.
>
>

This is an interesting (and good) perspective, and it speaks to my concerns about dating introverted dudes once I start attempting to date like a normal grown heterosexual woman.

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

>>Madlib?
>
>YES! If I woke up one morning with him between my legs, I
>would NOT push him out or call the 5-0.
>
>This interview really did it for me:
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yQ0pBCzckw
>
>Like, why are you so fine and interesting?!
>

He's definitely an introvert..

with a lot of style.

>He has kids. His babymother/s are probably not what one might
>expect. There's a Dilla documentary featuring the mother of
>his daughter and I thought, "Oh, that's your baby mama?!" LOL.
>Like, don't get it twisted. Dilla never had the same vibe as
>Common so I wasn't expecting her to be some Afro-Boho chick
>but still...

LOL
You've really given this some thought.


>
>This is an interesting (and good) perspective, and it speaks
>to my concerns about dating introverted dudes once I start
>attempting to date like a normal grown heterosexual woman.

Date who you like.. especially since it sounds like you don't date at all really, it's probably best you date another introvert/someone without a lot of social baggage. One new person in your life can be a lot. A new person with a huge social circle around him/her can be completely overwhelming.

I don't know how much Madlb's appeal has to do with being introverted or extroverted.

I am VERY extroverted. I talk to strangers, dance at all parties, get loud. I am very forward. Introverted men always end up in long term relationships with me. I love extroverted men and would love to meet one, but we never go the distance.

I think interesting people are just that, interesting. I know introverted men who think they are unique but they are boring, repetitive and predictable. A big turn off for me, but actually they have been my most stable and grounded relationships.

I really wish I could adjust my fetish for fun/outgoing men. They always break my heart .

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

behavior towards apparently. so be careful what you wish for

What are you referring to? Please spill the tea.

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

well stone throws seems to have a culture that is not welcoming to women who have wokred for them. that includes Anderson Pak and madlib and a former employee who had uncomfortable dealings with both. and also Georgia ann didn't seem to have a good experience as a woman artist over there.
--------
<--------- my cousin
www.richardlouissaint.com
photobloggin' it:
http://blog.richardlouissaint.com

Hmmm. I didn’t realize Georgia left Stones Throw, if that’s what you’re implying. Have you seen stories about this specifically or read interviews with artists alluding to the culture?

It doesn’t surprise me that a male-dominated space isn’t women friendly. ;-(

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

An ex-college acquaintance of mine always seemed preoccupied with her man friends' romantic partners. It reminds that I don't want to be the girl that everyone is asking about because her partner is well-known, well-liked and lots of folks are invested in his romantic life. I feel like an introvert is more likely to keep their dates and girlfriends to themselves.

As a loner-type, I'm NOT trying to be on a nigg*'s Instagram page.

Let's be private #andshit.

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

I'm an introvert/loner, and on one hand it seems like the ideal scenario to date an extrovert. That way, we could theoretically have our moments where she would go out and do her thing and I'd get my alone time to recovery and both come back to each other refreshed

On another hand, being loners together might be hashtag goals. I think either could work if the stars align tho

_____________________________________

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https://www.youtube.com/@themonarchbrand
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https://www.youtube.com/@thewaterpodcast
https://redcircle.com/shows/the-water-podcast

i gotta connect this post to your work one due to a training i had last year.

they used DiSC profiles to explain our working styles and how to work with other personalities. theres a chart of how well the different profiles work together as well as one for interpersonal relationships.

based on this chart introverts are best with other introverts in relationships.

i want to say that ive tried to be with others that are extroverts but i dont think ive gone to that extreme in reality. i think ive been at most with people that are half way in between. even with that i can tell we exhausted each other because it does take energy for me to be more extroverted and it drains them to be introverts.

if youre not familiar with DiSC this chart is a quick explanation
http://www.clearpathemployer.com/uploads/1/5/7/5/15751574/published/3293256.jpg?1497281530

as far as your question the C, conscientiousness personality would be a straight introvert. i, influencer would be a straight extrovert. D, dominance and S, steadiness would be in-between but with different emphasis.

according to the test i was a C with some lean into S. its scary how well the test gets you though.

i always feared if i was with someone exactly like me i would be bored, pretty much still have that fear. havent tried it though.

according to the chart C's & S's are excellent together. I's are excellent with other I's and D's are at best good with other D's or I's, not excellent with anyone lol.

I’ved never seen this before. I’m definitely a “C.”

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

i totally dislike group think and basically all motivation type of trainings and meetings. this was actually extremely useful because it explained the motivations of different personalities and why they act the way they do. also, how to work with them and how to adapt to work more like a D,i or S depending on the situation.

it felt like a cheat sheet on how to deal with people.

they had us read this book, really easy and quick read

https://www.amazon.com/Great-Connection-Personal-Action-Guide/dp/0965514811/ref=sr_1_1/145-9753427-5154428?ie=UTF8&qid=1542216284&sr=8-1&keywords=the+great+connection

Let's keep it 100.

Before getting with ANOTHER loner, have you come to terms with your personal flaws?

Are you a loner because you have incredibly specific interests?

Are you a difficult person?

Is the rest of your world the problem? Would you appreciate more positive feedback from your peers? Would a change of scenery allow you to open up more?

enlighten me

on things because of my tendency to avoid large social gatherings/events.
Homecoming is PRIME example...
I just never get hype about it...therefor I haven't gone in over 15 years.
But apparently i've "missed out"


"Get ready....for your blessing....."

had someone not pushed me...

like. It’s easy for me to say nah because I don’t feel like being bothered with folks. when I get there and warm up, I end up having a good time.

Usually, the person urging you...knows you well enough to recommend things.

>had someone not pushed me...
>
>like. It’s easy for me to say nah because I don’t feel
>like being bothered with folks. when I get there and warm up,
>I end up having a good time.
>
>Usually, the person urging you...knows you well enough to
>recommend things.
>

Blocking everything out makes it more difficult to grow.

>enlighten me

people are typically more difficult to deal with.

We can make being a loner sound cool on the internet, but I personally know a WHOLE lot of depressed humans. Most of them are really hurting because they feel unliked/unloved.

and there are places/things that i have seen/experienced that most
extroverts have not. anyone that knows me, is lucky...lol. you ever
seen a bipolar extrovert? the most exhausting.

>Let's keep it 100.
>
>Before getting with ANOTHER loner, have you come to terms with
>your personal flaws?
>
>Are you a loner because you have incredibly specific
>interests?
>
>Are you a difficult person?
>
>Is the rest of your world the problem? Would you appreciate
>more positive feedback from your peers? Would a change of
>scenery allow you to open up more?
>
>

as a loner i just appreciate alone time. i internalize my issues and work them through in my head. i am a logical person so if there is a problem i try to think it through. no need to have someone else throw their opinions into it. im worried about facts.

i like to figure things out and become great at something, i need to do this alone. once i have it all figured out i can share it with others.

last thing i want is compliments. acknowledge that the mission was accomplished and keep it moving.

there are situations that allow me to relax and just enjoy myself but it is generally going to be close to impossible to get me to open up in a group setting. one on one after you have proven yourself worthy, sure.

ways to get me to open up, put the focus on a task and as time goes by there will be small leaks of info coming out.

its really a different personality not exactly a flaw. everyone is not the same way. now it can be a hinderance and if you dont recognize that and find ways to work with it then you will miss out.

pretty much the things you look at a loner at and ask yourself "why doesnt this person ____" the loner is thinking "why do people just ____ without considering all the factors first???"

the whole world tells us this is wrong though. We're supposed to lean on other people and get their input


Like you, I'd rather deal in logic and the comfort of my own thought process.

i just need it in smaller doses than an extrovert would

like once i realize, eh nothing to do about it maybe a hug is good, or just an aw man that sucks.

on the flip side im often told im a good listener. the problem with my listening is that i often will try to solve their problems when they might just want empathy.

in my head im thinking, why dont you just stop talking to dude then. or well then just dont do that! but logic doesnt always win out and there are other situations that override it sometimes.

This is soooo me, it's scary.
Being an attractive woman (no brag) who is like this drives people nuts. lol

I'm a lurker. What you have just posted must have been that awesome!

lol

Sounds like a very extroverted thing to say.

I rarely watch TV. People act like I'm missing everything and don't have any fun. Meanwhile, I never see these people out hiking, working on their garden, riding bikes, painting, playing instruments, etc.

One of the things that annoys me about extroverts in-general is that their range of activities tend to be incredibly-limited, because if it doesn't include a social aspect then it's "boring."

>Let's keep it 100.
>
>Before getting with ANOTHER loner, have you come to terms with
>your personal flaws?
>
>Are you a loner because you have incredibly specific
>interests?
>
>Are you a difficult person?
>
>Is the rest of your world the problem? Would you appreciate
>more positive feedback from your peers? Would a change of
>scenery allow you to open up more?
>
>
Initially, I think being a loner grew out of having “incredibly specific interests.” I always had loner tendencies as a kid but I was a lot more social than I am today.

Now, my loner tendencies have a lot to do w/ habit and circumstance. I can easily identify folks in my age group with my specific interests in ways that I couldn’t as a teen. I will always be introverted but I can see myself being a little more social and less of a loner in the future.

I was a normal kid until maybe 13. I started getting into music deep and reading books about Black history, culture and feminism. I went natural/vegetarian, and this was at a time when my Black girl peers, especially at my predominantly white school, were not. I wasn’t into dating or boys. Needless to say, I didn’t relate to them anymore and the weekend/after-school gatherings ceased. I was a full blown loner by high school. Things improved in college, but I never found my tribe. I had piss-poor social skills because of my HS experience. That, coupled with my pickiness and the exclusivity among the people I wanted to hang out with on campus, led me to continue being a loner.

I moved around a lot in my 20s for work. That didn’t help with forming relationships. I also spent three years in a small/medium-sized region that was conservative and NOT diverse. The few black people that there were, uh, not my type. Very low-income, not cultured. I stayed ‘cause I needed the work experience. There’s wasn’t shit to do so circumstance was at play here...

I’m in my 30s now and it’s hard because my peers ain’t looking for new friends like they were in college. Plus, people are married, have kids, demanding jobs, etc.

A change of scenery will help, which is why I will be taking my ass back to the East Coast next year. I had the most social success and fun in NYC, unsurprisingly. I don’t think I’m a difficult person.

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

I wouldn’t want someone entirely like me.
there needs to be a balance
like. we walk into a room...he’s able to go right up and greet folks
{they’d have to come to me}
then we’re off to a corner...

I can’t imagine being with an extrovert not someone exactly like me...

I've dated across the spectrum - introverts, extraverts, in-between.

Also have a fairly balanced spread in my (small) network of friends and family, so thinking of them too. My take:


I wouldn't say one match is better than the other; there's pros and cons to all types of pairings.

*For two introverts/loners trying to make something work, I would say the main pro is the comfort from being able to connect on similar wavelength and pace. But, the biggest hurdles seem to be initiative and communication.

As intros, we're so used to just independently going about our day-to-day and tend to overdo it on the introspection (instead of reaching out, engaging, initiating, communicating), and this can affect multiple relationship stages.

For example, it can prevent a relationship from starting to begin with because the intros just lollygag indefinitely in each others orbits (as friends/associates/social media likes, etc) and think/fantasize/wonder about getting together as opposed to just literally getting together (extraverts don't do this nonsense).
Or, say things aligned and two intros actually get something going... the tempo of the relationship can be super slow. NOT NECESSARILY BORING. Just, literally, so slow because as I said - intros tend just go about their business and live in their heads. AND, since intros GET this about each other, they give each other the space to be aloof or whatever (whereas space tends to make extraverts anxious).

But over time at least one intro will eventually start to wonder whether its normal to only talk to/see their SO _____ times a week or month or whatever lol. And those spaces also allow for lots of misunderstanding. Which, due to our tendency towards introspection instead of engaging/initiating/communicating... ya.

Overall.. I think as intros we're probably the worst at communicating in a timely fashion and just.. behaving with clarity and adequate consideration for other's emotional processes. Not saying we're horrible people, though. I think it's unintentional. We just forget that we didn't actually share a lot of whatever we were thinking and feeling.. with the other person. lol. And that extraverts/more engagement-oriented people can communicate what we struggle to much more efficiently.


*But for an introvert/loner trying to make something work with an extravert?? I haven't found it to be too bad. I would say the main pro here is, as others have said - an extravert's spark helps drive things along. The actual relationship, the social calendar, the social network, etc. That introvert floaty-helium-balloon relationship-style will not happen because extraverts do even not allow it. They msg/call, they check-in, they think of new and fun things to do. You meet all their friends. If you go off-grid, they stalk you lol. If you're not giving them the attention they need (and they need A LOT), they demand it from you. To be honest... there's a lot of benefits for an introvert/loner in dating/befriending more extraverts because they keep us on our toes.

The biggest hurdle that I always see is the intro failing to keep up with/open up to the extravert.. which can mean anything from the intro's appearance, to enthusiasm, to demeanor, to level of commitment, socialbility, etc. Extraverts need a lot of stimulation. But if the love is real, I've seen many make do and in some cases they even thrive because they have the freedom to be all out there and fabulous while also having the security of their introvert supporting quietly out of the spotlight.

Not sure if this was the type of reply you were looking for, but just my two cents!

This is insightful. Thanks!

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

I agree with the bit about someone more extroverted "keeping us on our toes" being a good thing. I guess I would say I like someone a little more outgoing than me for that reason.

-------------------------------------------------
http://www.soundcloud.com/sectachrome

I agree with the part about someone stimulating the relationship. Extroverts are not intimidated by rejection. They still feel hurt but they will say something, bring up the issue and create some "noise" around the issue.

I think the benefit of introverts is that they don't fuel the extroverts fire. Which can often be prone to combustion.

The one time I dated a passionate extrovert, our arguments were insanely fired up and borderline scary.

Every introvert would just not respond and let that shit blow off.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

I've only known one or two situations where the dude was the intro and the woman was the extro (the one I'm thinking of, the dude was able to "make up for it" by being very good-looking). Alot of extroverted women don't have the patience for an introverted man, but extroverted men often don't have a problem with a reserved woman.

Can't go anywhere with too many people and the introvert isn't nearly as expressive as they could be. What do introverts do for fun anyways? How does a loner move through happy environments? I'm laughing imagining all this in a social setting..

Whenever I see a loner I go up and talk to them to make them feel good.

-------------------------------------------------
http://www.soundcloud.com/sectachrome

thoughts is a ton of fun for an introvert.

But it's dangerous because it can blind you to alot of things that might be right in front of your face.

you've made this comment at least once in your life


to someone who hated hearing it