Cuz I didn't and now that shit is coming back to bite me in the ass
We have a 20+ year history and we both *thought* we had moved on with our adult lives
That is not the case
She's in one of those marriages of convention and habit like millions of other married couples, she *loves* dude he's a great guy, no complaints, not a dickhead, no stepping out, no BS but she's not *in love* with him He doesn't *move* her like that
Why not bounce?
It's complicated (c)
Myself? ditto
Now what?
We spent 2 hours on the phone the other day (who the hell still talks on the phone?) and now we're making "phone dates" to talk
NGCCOT (c)
I've thought about it and to me there's only 2 options
1- Recognize that we are two grown ass people that made decisions in life and now we gotta live with them (this ain't a movie dog (c) If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with and KIM
3. "Let it go and live with fantasy or regret" In response to Reply # 0
Yall are too old and have too much invested in current relationships to risk it all on some feelings shit. Feelings change every nano second.
Marriage is not about love. It is about commitment, building, growing and connection. You've already made those values a priority. You should have married for love 20 years ago like most young impulsive couples.
Love is a western romantic ideal. Forget about it. Fantasize, masturbate or write those feelings in a novel.
4. "MAN. you cant have a marriage without love, but this is real" In response to Reply # 3
>Marriage is not about love. It is about commitment, building, >growing and connection. You've already made those values a >priority. You should have married for love 20 years ago like >most young impulsive couples.
>Love is a western romantic ideal. Forget about it. Fantasize, >masturbate or write those feelings in a novel.
6. "...and that's the double truth....RUTH! (c)" In response to Reply # 3
>Yall are too old and have too much invested in current >relationships to risk it all on some feelings shit. Feelings >change every nano second. > >Marriage is not about love. It is about commitment, building, >growing and connection. You've already made those values a >priority. You should have married for love 20 years ago like >most young impulsive couples. > >Love is a western romantic ideal. Forget about it. Fantasize, >masturbate or write those feelings in a novel. > >Go home to your families.
24. "*Tay Roc voice* - TALK....TEW....THAT.... NYGGA " In response to Reply # 3
>Yall are too old and have too much invested in current >relationships to risk it all on some feelings shit. Feelings >change every nano second. > >Marriage is not about love. It is about commitment, building, >growing and connection. You've already made those values a >priority. You should have married for love 20 years ago like >most young impulsive couples. > >Love is a western romantic ideal. Forget about it. Fantasize, >masturbate or write those feelings in a novel. > >Go home to your families.
25. "haha I did write about her in my book" In response to Reply # 3
Of course I changed her name and identifying details, but she knows it's about her
That's the thing. Like I said we both "apparently" moved on
We went years and years with zero contact I reached out to her first in the myspace era, we talked for a few months then that faded. (she was married, I was in the field) More years and years went by with zero contact She reached out to me a few months ago on some serendipity shit cuz I was finishing my book at the same time and I was like WTF? why now?
5. "I married a quality person, luckily I and others consider her attractive" In response to Reply # 0
but in that, I sacrificed superficial ideas of what the "perfect" partner is like
perfect in quotes because many women who were what I wanted at one point were actually unstable. I had to stop slowly killing myself that way
so I dont know how to define "love of your life", since getting in adult relationships (2005) I've loved six women to different degrees and no two situations were the same
If "love of your life" means every day you wake up passionately in love, I dont know that that's realistic and how life is going to work
I think men and women need to work on being the best partners they can along with working to keep their partners attracted and mentally present in the relationship, leave the fairytales for dreamers
13. "It's the questions, boyeeee" In response to Reply # 0 Mon Dec-18-17 07:44 AM by Boogie Stimuli
>She's in one of those marriages of convention and habit >like millions of other married couples, she *loves* dude >he's a great guy, no complaints, not a dickhead, no stepping >out, no BS >but she's not *in love* with him >He doesn't *move* her like that
Why did she marry him? Has he ever moved her like that? Have you asked her these questions?
>Myself? ditto
So why'd you marry your wife? Did she ever moved you like that?
Do either of you have children from your current marriages?
23. "neither of us has children" In response to Reply # 13
She's on her 3rd marriage, I'm on my 1st
Her first husband, they married a couple of years after we broke up on some rebound shit. Young and dumb married couple basically shit lasted for a year and change and they divorced
After we broke up, I went buck wild in the clubs and the streets I pretty much spent all my 20's as the living embodiment of Xxplosive
her 2nd marriage was to a Navy dude they were good for about 3 years, then he came back from deployment and started acting a fool (drunk, stepping out, the usual) so that ended
Now her current one, been married a couple of years as well and like I said from what she told me good nice dude, no foolishness, on paper he's husband of the year, etc
Myself gonna be 8 years soon, and we've had some rough shit go down I was about to file papers 4 years ago, but changed my mind at the last second "for the good of the family" Even though we don't have kids aka I felt bad for her
37. "Hmmm... I dunno what to think about the avoidance of the ?'s" In response to Reply # 23 Mon Dec-18-17 02:16 PM by Boogie Stimuli
>She's on her 3rd marriage, I'm on my 1st > >Now her current one, been married a couple of years as well >and like I said from what she told me >good nice dude, no foolishness, on paper he's husband of the >year, etc
Sooo.... Is that the only reason she married him? Did he ever move her? Do you get the sense that she just wasn't trying have another failed marriage?
I'll say this... The 3rd marriage thing would raise red flags for me. However, sometimes there's that person that you always come back to and can't forget. Disagreements don't make you hate them, you try to cut them off like others, and it just doesn't work... eventually you know they're "the one" so to speak (reply 28 is really important to consider here). I don't tell folks what decision to make in love but just encourage you to think it through beyond some "shit was great back in the day" stuff... wouldn't wanna be the 4th cat she axed on some "left my 3rd husband for him because of nostalgia, but that was a terrible mistake b/c things change" as she tells #5 why she's a good woman.
15. "I can’t imagine being with someone I didn’t love..." In response to Reply # 0
having never been married I’m not sure if you’d consider me qualified to speak on the topic but I’ve declined offers because I just wasn’t there with them it’s not something I’d enter into lightly....
22. "she loves him, but something is missing" In response to Reply # 15
it probably isnt her "ideal" situation, I dont know anyone who has that though they both need to go the extra mile to learn what makes each other happy
40. "Trin, why do you always do this." In response to Reply # 38
The man put it plain and simple and yet, you still tryna conjure some *other shit instead of tryna *grasp what was actually said.
This is why GD generally don't like discussing relationship ish with you. You stay in this weird naive tunnel-vision box and refuse to actually listen.
"You can take an African out of Africa, but you can't take Africa out of the African" Afro-Americana/Afro-Caribbana/Afro-Latino unite. We are ALL Black!
48. "love can be timeless (20 years in this case) depending on the person" In response to Reply # 38
the original poster is describing something that feels like love for a woman he isnt with a woman who loves her husband, but might also love him due to their connection she may not even want to pick one or the other, but she's stuck trying to make it work so her choice is kind of made for her Optimally her marriage (and the other situation he alluded to) should be so strong that no one could distract them but that doesnt mean either of them arent already with someone they dont love
I think people who have regrets in their life try to look back and pin it to one decision but I don't think it's ever that easy.
I think it's easy to marry the wrong person and be miserable for it but I don't think anyone else can truly make you happy....you have to do that for yourself (in other words, there are tons of other people you can have a happy life with if you fix yourself).
>Cuz I didn't and now that shit is coming back to bite me in >the ass > >We have a 20+ year history and we both *thought* we had moved >on with our adult lives > >That is not the case > >She's in one of those marriages of convention and habit >like millions of other married couples, she *loves* dude >he's a great guy, no complaints, not a dickhead, no stepping >out, no BS >but she's not *in love* with him >He doesn't *move* her like that > >Why not bounce? > >It's complicated (c) > >Myself? ditto > >Now what? > >We spent 2 hours on the phone the other day (who the hell >still talks on the phone?) and now we're making "phone dates" >to talk > >NGCCOT (c) > >I've thought about it and to me there's only 2 options > >1- Recognize that we are two grown ass people that made >decisions in life and now we gotta live with them (this ain't >a movie dog (c) >If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're >with and KIM > >2- Risk it all > >I can't call it >
********** "Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson
17. "I'm going to share this here because I think you need it" In response to Reply # 0
I'll make a bigger post at some point telling the whole story but the short of it is, I did not marry the love of my life (who says there is only one though). We married because it made sense and we stayed together because it made sense, until it didn't. After some soul searching we decided that we needed to go our separate ways. It hurt like hell initially. Not because I didn't think I would love or be with someone again, but because I thought I failed. I gave my word and now that word was going to be broken.
Because of that separation, and the subsequent work I've done on myself I've been able to experience a love unlike anything I've known before. Something I didn't think was possible previously. A love that has left me forever changed.
So I'm saying go for it. We all make choices in life, make another one.
26. "Oh I loved her and I still do" In response to Reply # 18
I married her because she showed me that she was down for me no matter what. That meant something. We enjoyed each other's company, got along well, and were good friends. We also had a love for each other. I wasn't IN LOVE though. But that was because I didn't really believe that being in love was a real thing. I learned a lot in that relationship and I'm glad it happened. We stayed together because nothing super bad happened so we didn't have a real reason to separate. When we did it was because we were going in different directions and my wife felt a calling to go out on her own.
It didn't make sense at the time but boy does it now. We are really good friends today. I know we don't know each other but please listen. This world is more than what people think and how we are perceived. If you are not happy in your relationship look deep into why that is the case. Look deep into yourself. Once you do that you might be able to free yourself up to having an amazing relationship and overall experience in this life. And if you don't so what. But make sure you are happy or at least trying to be happy. Don't settle, it's not worth it, and it's based in fear.
I got rid of some baggage that I carried for years and I had to do it because he wouldn’t. I’ve said it befor I’m not content with being single for life but, I’m preparing for it.
I don't think we are all supposed to find love all the time. Some people don't need to be in love. You can come back for that another time. This experience might be about something else for you. Maybe you are here to experience success on your own terms, or helping other people where you don't have time for that kind of love. I would just say dig in to who you are and what you really want. Don't worry about outside influences on what you SHOULD want.
41. "I liken love to crack..." In response to Reply # 35
you ever listen to a crackhead talk about their first time? no matter how much you smoke that high will never be like the first time....
a few birthdays ago my parents give me this little knick knack words on a mirrored frames that read, “life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself”.
19. "RE: Did you marry the love of your life?" In response to Reply # 0
Buddy in here spittin that real...
Every question you ask should start and end with yourself first...
The Ex might be an excuse to not be real with your own shit... you could leave your situation she leave hers and it all be fucked up because you were never real with yourself..
There is no "love of your life".. there are "loves" and depending on timing and environment they may not manifest..
But get to the real.. are you happy in your situation? if no then why? is it something you are not communicating well? can YOU be better?
But iont really know shit cuz I only been married 3 mos
Double 0 DJ/Producer/Artist Producer in Kidz In The Hall ------------------------------------------- twitter: @godouble0 IG: @godouble0 www.thinklikearapper.com
42. "Personality & character issues that cause you to constantly bump heads" In response to Reply # 28
^^^
That was her reply in so many words when I asked her why she wasn't happy in her marriage
It's also the main issue in mine.
I told her it sounded like we were both leading the same kind of lives
We were kids really when we were together (HS/first 2 years of college) of course back then you're free as a bird with not a care in the world
And that's what bugs me about all this shit, we can't let it go I really thought (all the years we had no contact and got on with our lives) that it was some kids/teenage love shit
Then we talk (I reach out or she reaches out) and all that shit goes out the window it's like all those years are gone in the blink of an eye
Remember all those love letters and notes and pictures and movie tickets and whatnot you wrote back in the day? She kept and still has a shoe box full of them I'm talking through 2 decades and 3 marriages I had mine too, but lost it years ago in one of my many moves
Anyway, she told me her 2nd husband found them and flipped and they got into a fight about it Evidently dude lost, cuz she still has the box
51. "Despite all you wrote here, you agree it seems the answer is no...." In response to Reply # 42
you haven't been through any "unfun" stages together right?
>^^^ > >That was her reply in so many words when I asked her why she >wasn't happy in her marriage > >It's also the main issue in mine. > >I told her it sounded like we were both leading the same kind >of lives > >We were kids really when we were together (HS/first 2 years of >college) >of course back then you're free as a bird with not a care in >the world > >And that's what bugs me about all this shit, we can't let it >go >I really thought (all the years we had no contact and got on >with our lives) >that it was some kids/teenage love shit > >Then we talk (I reach out or she reaches out) >and all that shit goes out the window >it's like all those years are gone in the blink of an eye > >Remember all those love letters and notes and pictures and >movie tickets and whatnot you wrote back in the day? >She kept and still has a shoe box full of them >I'm talking through 2 decades and 3 marriages >I had mine too, but lost it years ago in one of my many moves > >Anyway, she told me her 2nd husband found them and flipped and >they got into a fight about it >Evidently dude lost, cuz she still has the box >
********** "Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson
45. "we were kids, had a bad break up but clearly still something there" In response to Reply # 28
We both don't want to say it, and I think it's for the same reason
You're not *supposed to* still love your first love from 20 years ago
We freely admit we were each other's first love
That's as far as we will go
Neither of us want to get into why we still connect, why we still want to talk (beyond friendly ex terms), why we'll let years go by without any kind of contact then out of the blue reach out and end up confiding and talking deeply personal and intimate
Married, moved on, adults, careers, etc
Can't let it go. Don't want to let it go.
We both admitted we can talk to each other in a way we can't talk to our spouses.
46. "as a married man, " In response to Reply # 45
I would want my wife to be open and honest with me. If she even thought she loved another nigga, fuck it, be with him. Shit, let me move on with my life and find someone that truly loves me like she loves that other nigga. i'd be hurt, heartbroken, etc, but i'd get over it. No kids either, sheeiitttt. Go 'head and be with that other nigga and be unhappy once this real life shit hits lol.
on the real though, some husbands are crazy and i'm certain he knows who you are. be careful. lol
47. "I know he can always come through with the hammer" In response to Reply # 46
that poast is the greatest poast in OKP history, I'm not convinced it's real (dude can't still be breathing) but still, GOAT
Yea I did mention that too, I said out of respect for you, for him, and for your marriage I'm not going to say what I really want to say and she agreed
49. "this sounds like a recipe for disaster" In response to Reply # 45
>Neither of us want to get into why we still connect, why we >still want to talk (beyond friendly ex terms), why we'll let >years go by without any kind of contact then out of the blue >reach out and end up confiding and talking deeply personal and >intimate > >Married, moved on, adults, careers, etc > >Can't let it go. Don't want to let it go. > >We both admitted we can talk to each other in a way we can't >talk to our spouses. > >That's a bold statement (c)
56. "This ^^^ is where I'm lost too" In response to Reply # 55
Risk it all for a woman considering her 3rd divorce? The chances of this turning out like the fantasy in his mind is less than 1%. Nice to daydream about, hell to live through.
63. "Upon reflection and reading replies I'm falling back" In response to Reply # 0
I hadn't really thought about the 3 marriage deal
I chalked up the first one to young and dumb Everyone's entitled to making mistakes when young, we all did
the 2nd, dude went ham on the alcohol and stepping out. Any woman would walk away from that
Now this 3rd one...in her own words he's a great husband What's the issue again?
Basically I was giving her a pass on some "shit happens" and that may be true, but at some point you gotta man up and woman up (peace to Combat Jack RIP)
As for me, I'm far from throwing stones. My shit was all fucked up not so long ago
That's mainly why I'm falling back all that romantic love together forever shit is for the birds it seems
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