Do you say, "man it sounds like you are in a bad marriage."
Or do you always support the marriage? Especially when they have kids.
Does it matter that they called you before the marriage with cold feet and you encouraged them to go through with it? (I think I made a post about that)
What's crazy to me is for people to be in a situation that they are miserable about and they act like they have two or three lives and they like "this life sucks but I'll be happier the next time", no negro. You got one life, you have to find your happiness (and be a good person) now!!!!
********** "Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson
3. "I try to support them" In response to Reply # 0
I ain't in the marriage so I don't know both sides. Marriage is one the toughest things to ever go through. I wouldn't want my friend to do something that could cost them based off a one sided opinion of mine I have.
I think it's important to be supportive of him/her whatever the decision. Any good therapist will tell you never stay just because of the kids. It does them more harm than good.
my bff ended her marriage after 16yrs and one kid.
7. "This is right on time.One of my boys (just married) is fucking miserable..." In response to Reply # 0 Thu Sep-14-17 10:23 AM by Overqualified
I got the feeling he wasn't all the way with it from jump, but there were some outside circumstances coloring his decision. We spoke the other day and I asked him how things were going and it sounded like he was laying groundwork for an exit strategy. I try to keep him encouraged, but I'm not married, so I don't know what my worth my advice has.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 10:25 AM
10. "was he miserable before he got married? " In response to Reply # 7
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 10:32 AM
12. "oh, he closed shop too early" In response to Reply # 11
gotta get that shit out of your system before you go all in.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
Not too much more left to give to the streets. I think he was on the rebound after a four year relationship and cashed out because she was (seemingly) everything his old girl wasn't.
8. "what constitutes a "bad" marriage from the outside looking in?" In response to Reply # 0
it's probably hard for you to speak to who he or she is within in their relationship marriage is life's up and downs multiplied by three, your shit, your partner's shit and the effect both have on you as a couple
anything past "have you considered counseling?" might be out of line
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 11:26 AM
22. "haha... oh shit, she waited til marriage to do it? she white?" In response to Reply # 17
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 11:49 AM
30. "real talk, I felt like anytime I dated non Black they called me that shi..." In response to Reply # 26
prolly why the relationships never lasted.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 03:26 PM
64. "hmmm... I could see it. " In response to Reply # 60
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
25. "Obligatory question: Hard-R or soft-A?" In response to Reply # 17 Thu Sep-14-17 11:32 AM by flipnile
lol, not that it matters so much.
I don't think my S.O. or I have ever called each other a name once during an argument. Sure, there's some "fuck you!"s tossed around sometimes, but never any name calling.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 12:27 PM
39. "hmm, I feel like talking about my deepest darkest is worse" In response to Reply # 37
If I married a non Black I would prolly finish her slur for her cause I already know that's where they will go to try and hurt me.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
41. "I'm not much of an arguerer. I'd end whatever conversation that is" In response to Reply # 39
And be on the phone with my lawyer friends. You not about to hurt me with some words, but the fact that you think you can makes me feel like I'm fighting with some desperate. And desperate people do dumb shit.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 01:14 PM
47. "Lol, y'all are quick to call it quits " In response to Reply # 41
I don't believe y'all tho...
I think so much has to go one besides being called a nigger that would make you seek a divorce.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 02:01 PM
52. "Well, that's something I think every person in a mixed marriage needs" In response to Reply # 49
to address before you get married?
Real talk, 99.9% of the time when you marry someone from another culture you pretty much have to accept that any shrug, eye roll or curse word is a substitute for nigger.
Non Black Wife: pass the pepper
Me: you just say Black ass nigger?
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
>Real talk, 99.9% of the time when you marry someone from >another culture you pretty much have to accept that any shrug, >eye roll or curse word is a substitute for nigger.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
61. "To each their own I guess. " In response to Reply # 52
I've dated interacially. Lots. I think only two of them folks would've tried to go there. It never got there. But I wouldn't have been surprised. The rest of them, that's just respect. Respect for ones own self and respect for the background of the other.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 03:23 PM
63. "I married a Black woman for a reason" In response to Reply # 61
I tried the interracial shit in HS and the exotic interracial shit in college. My patience is short tho and I always felt most comfortable with a Black woman.
The fact that you can admit you had 2 who may have said it is still 2 too many.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
66. "I've also eaten 3am sushi from a 7-11" In response to Reply # 63
You try things out. I choose to live a bit to adjust to the world I navigate. I learn more from doing than I do from others.
One was a conservative rich chick one was the typical white girl with a bob. They never said it to me. But I could definitely imagine an argument where it would've gotten to that point and they would've crossed a line.
Like I said. To each their own.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Fri Sep-15-17 08:06 AM
72. "I'm from Western PA" In response to Reply # 66
home of the poor white racist and the rich liberal racist... so all their daughters go through a phase where they go against the family.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
42. "you've never argue then..." In response to Reply # 37
I'd imagine marrying an outsider it's bound to happen.
but yeah.
Like this one time my lover called me a bitch during the course of an argument. I was hurt but it wasnt grounds for leaving. We were mad at each other, feeling get hurt during arguments...you always go for the jugular when you're mad.
44. "I don't agree with this." In response to Reply # 42
I know it happens, but the goal of the argument should be resolution. not to hurt the other person that. name calling won't help anything and shows a lack of respect.
48. "hurt people...hurt people " In response to Reply # 44
you can't really get to resolution until you get everything out, right?
I understand what you're saying, it wasn't something he did all the time, it was in the mist of arguing and I went for his jugular lol. In essence, I wouldn't leave because he called me a bitch...if he keeps calling me one then I may.
doesn't matter what the argument is about. we can argue all day, but once the disrepect happens, I'm done with that discussion. the convo shouldn't be like me arguing in the streets with a stranger.
The Wordsmith Member since Aug 13th 2002 17070 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 08:14 PM
69. "Same here. I don't do all that screaming and crap but...." In response to Reply # 45
...whenever my wife and I had disagreements, we don't ever go for the juggler. I just don't have it in me to call her out her name. I love her too much to try to dig in like that.
46. "I've argued plenty. You're talking about fighting words. " In response to Reply # 42
Words meant to elicit a particular response. I'm not fighting with my partner and if they try to drop the Hiroshima on me, it's no point in continuing from there.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
70. "I ain't never had to fight in my own HOUSE!" In response to Reply # 46
I grew up in a violent home (parents used corporal punishment) and I vow as a adult running my own home I will NOT have that shit. It includes fighting words.
Fuck that. I know I have that monstrous shit in me bc I was raised like that. I keep it under control. If it unleashed we're done. Anyone trying me like that? We're done. Bc naw. No.
67. "Trinity, name-calling out of anger is crossing the line toward abuse" In response to Reply # 42 Thu Sep-14-17 04:11 PM by flipnile
>Like this one time my lover called me a bitch during the >course of an argument. I was hurt but it wasnt grounds for >leaving. We were mad at each other, feeling get hurt during >arguments...you always go for the jugular when you're mad.
It's not cool at all. That's one thing I *never* do is call people I love names. I'll tell them about themselves, how they are acting, how I feel, etc. but no names. That hurts.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 12:24 PM
38. "right? the fuck is she? Asian, Latina, Indian, French Canadian? " In response to Reply # 36
and more than likely she called him that shit before and he still married her.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
43. "I dont gotta hear both sides, but there are factors to consider" In response to Reply # 17
- is he verbally abusive/hurtful to her - is he hurt by nigger (it would sting far less to me coming from a non-white woman) - is she like this in the heat of the moment or just frequently psychotic
it's a huge red flag, but not necessarily divorce worthy if they can make amends and get past it
im only 3 years in, but so far Im from the school of "dont stop working at making things better", unless differences were irreconcilable
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 10:23 AM
9. "hit him with the TI: IZ YOU HAPPY? " In response to Reply # 0
the fuck I look like telling another man to stay or go.
nope, that's all on him.
My boy was in a bad relationship and I simply said "dude, you never say anything good about your relationship.. just sayin'"
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
13. "My name's Paul and that shit's between ya'll (c)" In response to Reply # 0
I was also taught that between a man and woman there's no room for a third
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors there's always 3 sides: his, hers, and the truth
Plus of course we're gonna be biased towards the homie, it's human nature
I always ask myself, how come our grandparents didn't bounce when one of them (grandpa in my case) was out there runnin wild for years, spending whole paychecks at the bar, gambling, etc yet Grandma stayed and maintained
Yes it was a different time, where was grandma gonna go with a gang of kids, grandpa was the breadwinner, etc but we always hear everyone's got a breaking point. This wasn't once or twice my grandpa was fuckin up the paycheck it was years and years of fuck shit
14. "why would you encourage him to do it if he had cold feet going in?" In response to Reply # 0
or are you talking bout day of cold feet?
-The Knicks’ coaching search still includes a lone frontrunner, Kurt Rambis, whose qualifications for the position include a strong relationship with Jackson and a willingness to take the job.
15. "A couple weeks before the wedding he called with cold feet" In response to Reply # 14 Thu Sep-14-17 10:56 AM by Buddy_Gilapagos
I told him I bought plane tickets and I want to see a cot dang wedding. I knew there were other people arguing the other side so I didn't think it was a big deal. We all get cold feet.
If I could take it back knowing what I know now I would have encouraged him then not to do it. In my defense, at the time I did say if it doesn't work on you can get divorce, but now they have kids...
>or are you talking bout day of cold feet?
********** "Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 10:57 AM
18. "more than likely your words didn't change his mind" In response to Reply # 15
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
24. "man i wouldn't encourage a dude or lady either way" In response to Reply # 15
i'd tell him to differentiate between serious doubts/concerns and cold feet. You'll never know for sure but don't feel pressured into doing it by ANYBODY.
That'd be my advice unless it was an obvious bad situation or he had some silly concerns.
-The Knicks’ coaching search still includes a lone frontrunner, Kurt Rambis, whose qualifications for the position include a strong relationship with Jackson and a willingness to take the job.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 10:55 AM
16. "and what is a "bad" marriage? " In response to Reply # 14
is she cheating? abusing him?
or is he complaining because he can't run the streets like he's single?
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
19. "I keep it real and give the best advice I can with the info that I have" In response to Reply # 0
If that means telling him he might be better off divorcing the chick and moving on, then so be it. Same as if his wife was cheating... I'm telling him, and if he acts all funny toward me then he's on some hurt, eyes-closed emo shit. Fuck it.
If I can't keep it real with my homeys, then who can I keep it real with?
29. "yeah...if this is your mans...how can you be anything but honest?..." In response to Reply # 19
I would never be on some prying shit...but, if he brings it to me on some whatimposetodonow...I'm going to be a honest as I would want him to be with me.
...I'm from the era when A.I. was the answer, now they think ai is the answer - Marlon Craft
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 11:51 AM
31. "I'll be honest but I won't tell him what to do" In response to Reply # 29
more than likely I do the "if it was me..."
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
50. "i dont encourage/advise ppl to do sh*t" In response to Reply # 0
i listen, ask them questions... let them talk it out. sometimes the convo ends where it started, sometimes thru the convo they process something and are able to see how they should or would like to move next.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 02:05 PM
54. "Yup. Iont want anyone using me as their reason for leaving" In response to Reply # 50
I was gonnna stay but after our convo I changed my mind.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
65. "Spoken like a Trained Therapist" In response to Reply # 50
This is really the only way to go with friendships. I think some folks want someone to tell them what to do so they can turn around and point the finger.
The people who make the best decisions have the wisdom to self reflect and look at the issue with a long view.
He knew damned well his marriage was built on sand. No one else to blame but he and his partner when something washes it away.
55. "I've always left it up to them." In response to Reply # 0
First time I saw it, it was with a close homie of mine. I known shit was doomed the second time he called me to pick him up from his apartment to crash over at his grandparents place to cool off after a fight with his wife. They'd only married a few months, and I knew if they weren't going to try to hash things out that early, it wasn't going to last. During that time I encouraged him to find a way to work things out, even though he knew I thought that they got married too quickly. They made it last a year, and then things fell apart while I was away at grad school. Probably because I wasn't there to pick him up anymore.
Second time, I knew from the get go she was royal pain and that marrying her was a bad idea. Still remained supportive. Fell out of touch, and linked up with him again years later, happy to discover that he left her. Turned out the "divorce" was easy, because they had never actually been technically married. She hadn't signed the marriage license (learned after the fact that she'd held it over him for a while), so they didn't need a divorce.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Thu Sep-14-17 02:28 PM
59. "Didn't sign the marriage license?" In response to Reply # 55
and held it over him?
Shiiieeeet. First time she says that shit I'm like "thanks for the heads up"
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
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