the vicious cycle of addictive dysfunctional love?

A friend recently told me she's pregnant by her boyfriend 'husband' (not legally married) who I know hits her when he gets really mad. I'm trying my best to support her but she knows how I feel about it.

I was in such a shitty relationship in my early 20s and everyone could see how badly he was treating me but I was blinded and addicted to his.... well, you know.

Since then I haven't touched a 'bad boy' cos there's no way I'm putting myself through all that shit again; Cheating, emotional abuse, manipulation, using me for money.... you name it

So how come women/men who have these shitty relationships don't learn from them? I'm not saying everyone should be like me. I just feel like if you're in your 30s and still accepting this shit, you need a major lesson in self love.

What makes people keep going back to that???

'Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo'

One that deals with your heart, body, and mind is even more difficult.

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

>What makes people keep going back to that???

One of the strong psychological reasons for a person continually going after a certain type of person is that person's relationship with their parents.

If a woman didn't have a father present in her life, then she might feel a deep sense of rejection and therefore always subconsciously seek out men who will reject her, because strangely she'll try to overcome those men rejection of her and then (probably briefly) she'll feel that she overcame her father rejecting her all those years ago when she was a kid.


Then, if a man had a mean mother, then he might want sort of mean women to hopefully show he can win over a mean woman like he wanted to win over his mother when he was a kid.

People rarely achieve these aims so they keep looking for more of this when these relationships fail.

Obviously, people do this in more ways than I've described here.

their lives who repeatedly go for assholes.

Insecurities?

'Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo'

I had absolutely zero idea of what I was doing in relationships and marriage, making it all up as I went along because I had no frame of reference.

With zero guidance, I was out there blind, fuckin up good relationships with good women left and right, stumbling mumbling and shit

i do not understand dating shitty mates...i really don't

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

Some people are financially strapped and can only find other people who can help sustain their lives. That makes them more willing to tolerate things that financially independent people won't.

Some people are uneducated and can't think themselves out of a bad relationship.

Some people don't value themselves, so any ole' thang can say the right words and they will compromise their self worth.

Religious beliefs that say a woman should stay with a man or a man is the head of the household make people try to perform an ideal relationship based on social norms. These norms could be bad for the family but good for the religion.

In general, many people have no instructions on how to have a good relationship. We really need to teach healthy relationships starting in middle school/ 6th grade. So many social problems would be reduced if people knew how to care for their fellow human beings.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

it just became emotionally unhealthy. at some point it became more of a dependency than a functional healthy union. our fams have known each other forever so our lives were really really intertwined and it was extremely difficult to unravel...plus we lived together which we said we wouldn't do and that didn't help any. great girl and love her to death but I definitely learned the needed lessons and wont be revisiting them

> great girl and love her to death but I definitely
>learned the needed lessons and wont be revisiting them


Good person and decent relationship, but you know ultimately it isn't best for both of you.


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

I didn't have the strength to leave and she couldn't tell me to go. only a near tragedy shook me into reality and I was forced to reprioritize and do what needed to be done

that I gravitate toward men who need me to nurse them and lift them up. They just don't give back.


I'm currently crushing on someone who doesn't need me to lift him up.

But he isn't crushing back. So I guess I still have a ways to go, lol.


I was never attracted to bad boys though. That was the quickest way to kill my feelings.
I always went for "nice" and nerdy guys. And I STILL end up getting my heart crushed.

>I was never attracted to bad boys though. That was the
>quickest way to kill my feelings.
>I always went for "nice" and nerdy guys. And I STILL end up
>getting my heart crushed.

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2014/01/dr-evil-crying1.gif

WHAT'S GOOD *****? What's REALLY good?!?!????!!! Ha HA!
http://40.media.tumblr.com/d8e2daf9f3f37244cd05436bcdf05973/tumblr_mt4qibKq4c1rgam01o1_1280.png

that role cos these men see that in you and seek you out?

I guess both go hand in hand.

Any idea where that nurse/carer mentality stems from?

'Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo'

But I didn't realize it until the end of this last relationship.

I don't know how, but I think men can tell that I'm a good nurse. I just
don't want to be. They go find someone else when they feel better.


And I have no idea where the mentality came from as far as romance goes.
But I do tend to be that way with everyone in a more general sense. A mom/big sister type.




>that role cos these men see that in you and seek you out?
>
>I guess both go hand in hand.
>
>Any idea where that nurse/carer mentality stems from?

I've tolerated some wild shit because I was a wild boy at the time. Looking back I just smh but I was young, dumb and trying to come.

it was never hard for me to leave, well... except for the last relationship. I broke it off but kept going back for a taste but right after I got a whiff of it I was like hell nah, you foul as shit. We were magic in the bedroom but terrible at everything else.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

I know my weaknesses and I know what I want


I'm not saying I'll never find love again, but I definitely won't fall in love with a person undeserving of my love. And to deserve my love u got to show and prove yourself worthy.

Cheers to me!
... "A Beautiful Struggle"
https://m.facebook.com/jamelabullock
Www.reverbnation.com/jamela

shitty relationship 10 years later and it effects all my relationships.

For example, I'm not very affectionate, I don't do a lot of reassurance if my bf needs it, when he's sick i'm not as caring as I could be, when he compliments me I can throw it back in his face, I can be stubborn and overly independent; as in giving off the impression that I don't need him.

I don't think it would be like this if I wasn't constantly trying to protect myself because of that relationship. I hate my ex for that. I wish I was able to just love without inhibitions and be loved that way also, but I can't. I'm too defensive.

But he does love me despite it.

Ah, the energy it takes to knock down a wall.......

'Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo'

Before then, I let a lot more things slide. Once I had a kid, it was a wrap. Ain't got time, money or energy to waste on dumb relationship shit anymore.

I liken it to Lucy and Charlie Brown football..
I was Charlie tho....

i’m not ready to test the waters, but i'm aware of my role in these shitty relationships

>What makes people keep going back to that???

i had a really difficult childhood, and no examples of healthy, loving relationships (platonic or romantic) to reference. and on a subconscious level, i learned to tolerate/accept dysfunctional behavior as "normal" because I had nothing else to compare it to.

i was really depressed and isolated as a teen/young adult. being in a dark place for years plus unresolved childhood issues started to chip away at me and left me feeling broken, resulting in a period of shitty friendships and 1 dysfunctional relationship in my 20s.

cant speak for others, but nothing changed for me until i stopped seeing myself as the victim and began to feel in control of my life.

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ctrl+alt+del

>i’m not ready to test the waters, but i'm aware of my role
>in these shitty relationships
>
>>What makes people keep going back to that???
>
>i had a really difficult childhood, and no examples of
>healthy, loving relationships (platonic or romantic) to
>reference. and on a subconscious level, i learned to
>tolerate/accept dysfunctional behavior as "normal" because I
>had nothing else to compare it to.
>
>i was really depressed and isolated as a teen/young adult.
>being in a dark place for years plus unresolved childhood
>issues started to chip away at me and left me feeling broken,
>resulting in a period of shitty friendships and 1
>dysfunctional relationship in my 20s.
>
>cant speak for others, but nothing changed for me until i
>stopped seeing myself as the victim and began to feel in
>control of my life.

Thanks so much for sharing. It's great that you've been able to turn things around; I imagine it's always a work in progress, as we all are. All the best to you

'Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo'