DEAR ABBY: I'm a 30-year-old woman who has been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He's a great guy who treats me wonderfully. I know he sees marriage in our future, and that's where my problem lies.
I've heard the saying that one should only marry someone (or even be with them) if one can't imagine life without that person. Well, if I picture my life without him, I see myself being perfectly fine. Yes, I'd miss him, but I still think I could be happy without him. I don't imagine ever feeling devastated like other people feel when they break up with someone. Is this a sign that something is missing from the relationship? -- STILL ALL RIGHT IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR STILL ALL RIGHT: I don't think so. The only thing that's "missing" is the fact that you are not so emotionally dependent on your boyfriend that you couldn't function if something were to happen to him. And in my opinion, that's actually healthy, because relationships and marriages don't last forever, even when we wish them to.
43. "The whole experience of loss is a critical difference here. " In response to Reply # 1
When someone says "I can't imagine life with you", they're actually saying "I can't imagine life *after losing* you".
Having never had is not the same as having and losing.
Losing someone isn't some reset button that magically changes everything back to the way it was before you had them. You carry those experiences, memories, and changes you made during that time.
Then there are degrees of attachment and integration that will affect the aftermath of a breakup or divorce.
6. ""having something" vs "doing it right" or how that interacts" In response to Reply # 3
some would say this is the "thrill of the chase" phenomenon where this woman is so "sure" that this man is "satisfied" with her that she consequently doesn't feel like "chasing" him at all. Some would say if she truly had feelings for him, the whole "chase" thing dynamics wouldn't matter at all - in fact - she would be happy that she didn't have to chase him if she really liked him.
So this is just a reminder that there is always the dichotomy of actually "having something" and the "effectiveness" of doing things the "right way." If the man "had something", then supposedly it wouldn't matter if he was "doing it right" or not. Then many would say it is a gray area with lot's of degrees about the issue of "having something" and how that interacts with "doing it right."
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79619 posts
Thu Feb-02-17 10:31 AM
9. "red... wtf. Y'all some robots. " In response to Reply # 0
Ole Kanye shrug when you come home and the house is empty ass weirdo niggas.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79619 posts
Thu Feb-02-17 11:16 AM
13. "wtf does a cop movie have to do with marriage?" In response to Reply # 10 Thu Feb-02-17 11:18 AM by legsdiamond
Bruh...
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79619 posts
Thu Feb-02-17 01:18 PM
23. "Yes. I know who he is... but he isn't a reference for love. " In response to Reply # 21
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79619 posts
Thu Feb-02-17 01:58 PM
29. "he sang about bar fights in Cuba too... but he was corny" In response to Reply # 25
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
52. "Badfinger originally did it in 1970" In response to Reply # 51
the Nilsson version was the more popular one for 70's pop radio for sure. The reason why I listed Badfinger (the originators of the song) is because I was sure it was Eric Carmen (instead of Nilsson) so I listed Badfinger because I was absolutely knew Badfinger did it.
15. "Taken literally, yes it's emotionally healthy. But the fact that she's " In response to Reply # 0
even asking the question points to issues in the relationship. She phrased the question in a way that makes it okay to break up with dude. "Can at all imagine life without him? Yes? Well, I guess we gotta break up."
But if she was really being honest she could probably ask herself "Would I be happier without him than with him? Yes, gotta break up."
16. "I knew the aspect of her even questioning the situation could be taken" In response to Reply # 15
to show that she is obviously "unsure" about the relationship, but then I think that ultimately goes back to the issue of the man in the relationship "having something" or whether he "did something wrong" in letting her feel so "comfortable" and "sure" that he is interested in marrying her.
Obviously, people could say: "if she was really feeling him, it wouldn't matter what impression he gave her - she'd be thrilled he seems to want to marry her"
but we know people's responses/reactions are shaped a lot of the time by what they perceive from the other person. So maybe if the guy wasn't so obvious about wanting to marry her, she would make the situation less about that and more about what she actually wanted or felt.
I know people will emphasize that the man should have something to make her "feel" something first and foremost, but....I know that women especially don't check themselves a lot when they start "reacting" and "responding" to what they perceive coming from men, so they could have had a different response to the men who they either accept or reject.
31. "she's trying to define her relationship through other ppl's eyes" In response to Reply # 15
So yeah, the relationship is not as sturdy as it could be, but I think it's because she either doesn't really know who she is yet or doesn't really know what she wants.
Maybe she has emotional roadblocks that are keeping her from reaching that level... or she's generally just slow to develop those kind of feelings. (Let's ignore that those feelings aren't always based on love though... it could also be based on co-dependence between two very flawed people).
Either way, she has to define a great relationship for herself, communicate them to her partner and decide whether she's with someone capable of doing their part.
35. "Does that really indicate instability in the relationship though?" In response to Reply # 31
>So yeah, the relationship is not as sturdy as it could be, >but I think it's because she either doesn't really know who >she is yet or doesn't really know what she wants.
She's definitely inquiring based on external perspectives, but that could be as simple as trying to figure out the best way to make this sort of life altering decision. She could be relatively young and that's why she's looking at such clichés, but she's also looking for a second opinion based on her own feelings not really aligning with the cliché.
I just don't think that points one way or another in the vacuum of her question.
>Either way, she has to define a great relationship for >herself, communicate them to her partner and decide whether >she's with someone capable of doing their part.
Yep. I think that's the closest thing to a concrete conclusion we can have based on the limited information.
34. "I'd say asking the question most likely indicates emotional maturity" In response to Reply # 15
I don’t understand how asking the question points to any issues in the relationship, though I can indicate a more mature train of thought on her part.
Marriage isn’t a date, it’s marriage.
It’s a significant decision that one reasonably healthy person might question and another reasonably healthy might not. I know healthy people in healthy relationships who just knew and that was that while others grappled with various aspects of the decision.
She’s looking at it from the perspective of whether or not she’d be able to be happy without him, not whether or not she’d be *more* happy with or without him. I think that’s a significant distinction personally.
40. "I don't see how it indicates that at all " In response to Reply # 36
she says
"I picture my life without him, I see myself being perfectly fine. Yes, I'd miss him, but I still think I could be happy without him. I don't imagine ever feeling devastated like other people feel when they break up with someone."
That’s really not much of an indictment on her feelings for him at all, not based on the phrasing or the words themselves.
It’s just saying she’d be able to move on with life.
That could be her general attachment level with people as a whole. There are quite a few other reasonable conclusions but the one that says it shows she’s not sufficiently into him doesn’t really fit the bill based on what she said and asked.
44. "because if she wrote something like "I'm absolutely head over my heels" In response to Reply # 40
in love, but I have this issue" then most people would say that she is "feeling" him.
But raising the issue about how much you would be "ok" without him, suggests, along with the questioning of the entire situation, that being "without him" is on her mind.
If you are "head over heels in love" then being without somebody isn't really on your mind.
45. "Do you think everyone is wired the same way?" In response to Reply # 44
>in love, but I have this issue" then most people would say >that she is "feeling" him.
If she wrote that, the discussion would be entirely different now wouldn't it? Obviously there would be different viable conclusions in light of different information.
Also, do you think everyone even has 'head over heels' as an emotional option? Because everyone doesn't possess the same emotional highs and lows.
>But raising the issue about how much you would be "ok" without >him, suggests, along with the questioning of the entire >situation, that being "without him" is on her mind.
She's questioning whether her feelings align with a clichéd and, frankly, ridiculously oversimplified generalization of how one should decide to get married.
You're ascribing information and assumptions that aren't attached to her statement in relation to the question.
>If you are "head over heels in love" then being without >somebody isn't really on your mind.
Says who?
In fact, the opposite is much more true based on the context of her statement.
"I've heard the saying that one should only marry someone (or even be with them) if one can't imagine life without that person.Well, if I picture my life without him, I see myself being perfectly fine."
She's considering that standard because it's something she's heard.
You can project and conjecture other reasons but she spells it out pretty plainly: I've heard it said and if I look at it that way, this is my conclusion.
Her statement doesn't paint a picture of someone sitting around pondering life without her boyfriend, she's pondering life without her boyfriend in light of this standard she's heard to see if she meets that standard... and then asking a disinterested third party whether or not she's missing something.
46. "she can do all of this "pondering" and I'm not saying that makes her" In response to Reply # 45
"hopeless" in this situation (or the relationship as "hopeless" either)
but....
most people usually say marriage is on "firmer" grounds when expressions of feeling are claimed that indicate "strength" and not "I'd be fine either this way or that way."
50. "Again, she said this in the context of the cliche she's been told" In response to Reply # 46 Thu Feb-02-17 05:06 PM by Cold Truth
>most people usually say marriage is on "firmer" grounds when >expressions of feeling are claimed that indicate "strength" >and not "I'd be fine either this way or that way."
She didn't say that though. It was actually much more nuanced than that.
She said "I see myself being perfectly fine. Yes, I'd miss him, but I still think I could be happy without him. I don't imagine ever feeling devastated like other people feel when they break up with someone"
>most people usually say marriage is on "firmer" grounds when >expressions of feeling are claimed that indicate "strength" >and not "I'd be fine either this way or that way." She didn't quite say that though. She said:
"I see myself being perfectly fine. Yes, I'd miss him, but I still think I could be happy without him. I don't imagine ever feeling devastated like other people feel when they break up with someone" and said it in response to being told, at some point along the line, that you should only marry someone or even be with someone if you can't imagine life without them.
There’s a pretty specific context to why she had thought to begin with. As expressed, her pondering was an act of self-examination in direct response to this notion she’s heard.
Based on her words and the actual context of her thinking about this it’s a stretch to form such strongly negative conclusions, particularly in light of the fact people aren’t an emotional monolith.
Everyone doesn’t react the same way to the same things and everyone doesn’t think the same thoughts for the same reasons.
Some people are true romantics who desire a more deeply passionate bond whereas others experience feelings of love in a decidedly more reserved way. Aside from the limited information in her question, people seem to be evaluating what they would/wouldn’t do/say/think in x/y/z situation and imprinting their projected response onto the woman in question.
People are simply more widely varied and complex than that and I’m simply saying that, as expressed and within context, there’s wide latitude for interpretation and very little room for any truly objective conclusions.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
27. "the notion relationships and marriages don't last forever is bullshit" In response to Reply # 0
without the *all* conditional.
Of course they all don't. But many do.
The ones that do, that's when you start not imagining your life without that person. Like twenty years in sure it could all fall a part but it isn't unhealthy to not be able to imagine your life without them at this point. Early in a relationship that's no measure to judge, but after you've already made that commitment... yeah.
█▆▇▅▇█▇▆▄▁▃ Big PEMFin H & z's "I ain't no entertainer, and ain't trying to be one. I am 1 thing, a musician." � Miles
"When the music stops he falls back in the abyss."
28. "She is with the wrong person" In response to Reply # 0
Yes, there is nothing wrong with feeling confident enough to be able to adjust well to break ups, but I do question whether she is with her boyfriend for the right reasons?
I think she is in relationship for the sake of being in one. I do believe that she cares about her boyfriend and maybe have love FOR him, but she is NOT IN love with him and will eventually break up with him within the foreseeable future.
32. "Neither. First, she's basing this on an external value system" In response to Reply # 0
And not her own.
What does she say about her feelings about him?
Not much other than conveying the distinct impression that she’s not exactly going to jump off a bridge if things didn’t work out. She doesn’t indicate the sort of emotional connection she thinks she’d need for that level of commitment.
I hate when people reduce things like this to a binary choice. It’s even worse when people apply their personal emotional intelligence to others as though we’re all wired and conditioned the same way.
Her stance could be indicative of her broader personality traits. She may be stoic in general, taking a pragmatic, business-like approach to life. She doesn’t have to view him as an absolute necessity to love him or want to marry him or have a happy, healthy marriage if she did.
It could also mean she has a general emotional disconnect in relationships.
Or it could mean that she’s not all that into him.
38. "I think it's too soon, too..." In response to Reply # 0
I'm not ready for marriage after only knowing you a little over a year. Does that equate to not caring about you...I'll cheat? nah... we're still getting to know each other.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79619 posts
Thu Feb-02-17 03:42 PM
47. "the letter is weird" In response to Reply # 38
Seems like she thinks marriage is supposed to happen soon because of some mythical time frame.
Until dude pops the question why even entertain it given the feelings she has right now?
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
Woman Finds Perfect Partner, but Still Prefers to Be Alone
Sep 18, 2017 - Letter 1 of 2
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a great guy for a few months. He treats me well and seems to care about me and my family. He offers to help with the bills and cleaning my place. He's also kind and honest, and he's actually the first guy I have ever dated I feel I can fully trust.
I was single for years before we started dating, and during all that time, all I wanted was to be with someone like him. However, being single as long as I have been has made me very independent, which I really like. We have certain days that we don't see each other so I can have my "alone time," but -- more and more -- I feel like those few days aren't enough.
I'm starting to realize that, for the most part, I really enjoy being alone. I don't get why I feel this way. He's everything I have always wanted in a partner, so why do I still always want to be by myself? Do other people have the same kind of feelings I do? Or is this not normal behavior? -- WANT TO BE ALONE
DEAR WANT: I think most people need a degree of alone time to concentrate on their interests or to be creative. That's normal. However, you state that you don't feel you have enough of it, and even though you are seeing someone you think is "Mr. Wonderful," you still always want more. Your next step should be to talk with Mr. Wonderful about the fact that you need more time alone. It may be something the two of you can work out. However, if it isn't, you will have to face the fact that you may not be ready to couple up.
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