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http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/huppke/ct-budweiser-america-huppke-20160511-story.html
Budweiser is making everything red, white and blue — and great again. America!
Freedom Huppke
May 11, 2016, 9:19 AM
In case you missed it, the makers of Budweiser are changing the name of America's greatest beer to "America."
I'm serious. Starting this summer, cans and bottles of Budweiser will display the word America in place of the suspiciously non-American word "Budweiser."
It's the single greatest thing to happen since God discovered America (the country, not the beer) and declared it the No. 1 nation on Earth for all eternity.
As you can see from the byline, I'm celebrating Budweiser's bold naming decision by rebranding myself "Freedom Huppke," the most all-American newspaper columnist ever to walk this grand red, white and blue land we call America (again, the country, not the beer).
Explaining the company's decision to change the name of its signature product until after the presidential election in November, Budweiser Vice President Ricardo Marques told The Associated Press: "Budweiser has always strived to embody America in a bottle, and we're honored to salute this great nation where our beer has been passionately brewed for the past 140 years."
Marques, a Portuguese native speaking on behalf of a beer brand now owned by a Belgian company, makes an excellent point. Who among us has not longed to bottle this great nation and use it to chase down a large platter of jalapeno poppers?
That dream becomes reality on May 23. No longer will a true patriot like myself suffer the indignity of ordering a beer with a dopey German-sounding name.
I'll be able to turn to the bartender and say: "I'll have another America. Not that there is another America, there's only one, and it's the best. But I mean I'll have the beer that's called America, because I'm an American, and that's the kind of beer I want. A beer called America."
And the bartender will say: "What?"
Patriotic beer-ordering person that I am, I'll scowl and respond: "Never mind. I'm gonna go find a real American bar that understands what it means when an American ask for an America."
Then I'll get behind the wheel of my Liberty Mustang — I'm assuming all corporations, including Ford, will have jumped on the America-first rebranding bandwagon — and hit the road.
I'll turn up the stereo and listen to America (the band, not the beer or the country) as I cruise along, welling with nationalistic pride. Then I'll pull into a Liberty Bell drive-thru for a Star-Spangled Triumph Taco.
The taco will remind me I'm thirsty, so I'll head to a nearby Thomas Jefferson Target to pick up a few extra American flags, some Bountiful paper towels and, of course, a case of ice-cold America (the beer).
On the way home I'll probably pop into Starsandstripesforeverbucks for an iced American America Americano. Then it's straight home to put my case of America into the General Douglas MacArthur Electric refrigerator so it's ready to go when "America's Got American Talent in America" comes on that night on NBC-USA.
What a dream scenario that is. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Freedom Huppke, you sound like you've been pounding Americas since dawn. Have you lost your mind?"
I have not lost my mind, I have just super-sized my patriotism thanks to Budweiser's selfless and spirited rebranding.
What better way to remind Americans that we are American and this is America (country, not beer) and we should make America (country, not beer) great again while drinking a pickup-truck-bed full of America (beer), which tastes like America (country).
I get why Budweiser decided to tie this change in with the presidential election. If there's one thing our politics have shown us recently it's that a lot of Americans don't know the first thing about America (country) and how its political system works or what principles it was founded on. It's as if some voters are drunk on America (beer) and blabbering and yelling and forgetting what it actually means to be an American.
So why not give Americans an America they can feel good about without having to think much? Why not make everything around us patriotic and red, white and blue, and great again?
We may not be willing or able to appreciate how our political system is uniquely American.
But we can certainly advertise our patriotism by holding a beer that says America.
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