"Stepchildren calling their stepparents mom/dad." Thu Aug-20-15 10:33 PM by denny
So I've been researching this and thought I'd make a post. Here's the situation.
My SO has three kids. 17, 8 and 4. I've been in their life for a year now. Much love all around. The 8 year old has been dropping hints about calling me dad for a couple months now. LAst week...he straight up asked 'When can I start calling you dad?' They're biological father is very much in the younger kids' lives (he's estranged from the 17 year old). I can tell by the effort he puts in to see them.....he's a very loving father. I should add that my relationship with the 8 year old is particularly close. We just hit it off.....I love all the kids equally. But with him i have a certain bond that's beyond even what I have with my bio-daughter. My bio-daughter has a step-dad. I have to be honest....I'd be hurt as shit if she called him dad but I'd suck it up. She doesn't...she calls him by his first name.
My belief has always been that as long as the bio parents are in the kids lives.....there should be a distinction. The bio parents are the mom and dad....the step-parents are called by their first names (or nicknames). But this situation is kinda pointing me in the other direction.
The kids were directed to call their step-mom (the bio dad's new SO) 'mom' when they first met. Something I kinda disagreed with but my SO was okay with it. Because of that, I'm worried that the 8 year old thinks that is what happens with step-parents. So....if we were tell him that he's not allowed to call me 'dad'....that might be a signifier of how i feel about him. Or a signifier that we're not a 'real family'. We can also expect the question 'If I call my step-mom 'mom' than why can't I call denny 'dad'? I can tell that his feelings will be hurt no matter what explanation we make for not letting him call me dad. This whole thing would be alot easier if it had never occured to him to call me dad. I'd be fine with Denny. But it's not going away.....I'd be honoured to be called Dad but it kinda goes against my philosophy.
I've done some research in chat forums and there doesn't seem to be a clear consensus either way. My SO wants to allow for him to call me dad. We've considered asking the bio dad how he feels about it....but I'm not sure if we should. I mean, what if he says no? We can't let him make that decision for us anyways so why even involve him. In directing the kids to call his SO 'Mom'...we kinda know where he stands anyways.
So yah, it's weird because normally I would insist that the boys call me 'denny'....but a part of me thinks I should adapt that view because of the particular circumstances. There's a whole lot of moving parts in this which can be considered if the thread gets replies.
That shit wasn't even an issue with my situation. He had no urge to call the step dad 'dad'. And my baby momma had enough sense to not even entertain it either. Good luck tho.
6. "Yep." In response to Reply # 4 Thu Aug-20-15 10:53 PM by denny
And here's my thoughts on that.
When the 8 year old turns 14 and starts becoming more aware of race. He might be resentful of us having him call me dad. Especially if he goes through a black nationalist type of phase. I mean, we could say 'Well it was at your insistance'....and he can respond 'I was 8 years old. You should have told me no.'
But the fact is....he can stop calling me dad whenever he wants. My SO says we should be guided by the rule 'The kids decide what they call people'. Normally i wouldn't be on board with that. But again, I'm worried that these circumstances result in a very hurt 8 year old if we say no.
I should note that the biodad's SO is also white. The kids often say something like 'Are we gonna see our white mom today?' which kinda makes me cringe...but yah. The youngest one called me 'peach denny' for the first couple months cause I have the same first name is the bio-dad.
blkprinceMD05 Member since Nov 29th 2004 41323 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 11:15 AM
46. "yes that was a very naive statement " In response to Reply # 27
Considering this poster seems to only date black women. The statement also doesn't make sense becuz he's saying that the bio dad is also white....so why would he resent Denny as dad for being white if the bio dad is also white
prototype
stand ur ground, believe in urself, believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve
55. "The bio dad is black." In response to Reply # 46 Fri Aug-21-15 11:28 AM by denny
The bio dad's SO is white.
Both bio parents are black. Both stepparents are white. Clear?
It's probably a generational thing...when I turned 14 it was the time of X clan and malcolm x hats. Alot of black kids i grew up with became involved with black nationalism and as a result, stopped hanging out with white friends. One friend in particular had a white stepfather. He started rejecting him in various ways....one of those ways is that he stopped calling him dad and started calling him by his first name. They reconciled years later but he continued calling him by his first name. This memory crossed my mind when considering my current situation. It's the one way that race might play a part in how things turn out. I probably wasn't clear enough when alluding to it.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
9. "I agree." In response to Reply # 8 Thu Aug-20-15 11:26 PM by denny
Calling a step-parent mom/dad is for when the bio parent is dead, in long-term jail sentence or when they are completely absent. And even then.....it's only if the child WANTS to. It should never be something they are forced to do.
But in this case, do you think the circumstances change things?
11. "It's the other way around though...." In response to Reply # 10 Thu Aug-20-15 11:33 PM by denny
He's trying to call me dad. We've kinda been dancing around it....personally, I've been hoping that it just fades away. But he's getting more and more direct about it and we have to make a decision ASAP either way.
We both agree.....anything other than letting him call me dad will hurt his feelings. noone says 'Can i have another story step-dad'. We could go the nickname route but I'm pretty sure that's gonna hurt his feelings too. It's gonna be interpreted as a rejection of sorts....no matter how we try to explain it.
To be clear....he has NOT come up with something he's happy about. He wants 'dad'.
21. "Not to sound too terse or harsh but..." In response to Reply # 11
forget his feelings on the matter. The lil guy's bio dad is alive and present. So, you have to come up with another name. Stand by your own philosophy and have him call you "Deuce" or "Double D" or something else; just not "Dad".
13. "What if he says 'no'?" In response to Reply # 12
Which would obviously be hypocritical of him. But what if he does?
Should he be the one making this decision for us? They didn't consult the bio-mom about them calling his SO 'mom'. Not that this should be a tit for tat thing.....the decision should be the best interest's of the child.
I feel like they've put us in situation where the best interest of the child is to stay consistent with what they do. Even though it kinda goes against my beliefs. It's tough.
15. "If he's a loving dad as you say....i say involve him in it..." In response to Reply # 13
There's a chance your so wasn't involved in their decision because the father figured she wouldn't have an issue.
This is a big deal imo and involving him is a show of respect...something dad will appreciate and something the kids will appreciate too (even if they learn the details later down).
I agree with your original stance and don't think what the father and his wife do should impact your decision. Kids are smart and I think explaining to them that you're not comfortable being called dad is enough...they'll eventually see how you treat them and their mom and use that as a mark of how much of a family you guys are.
Salute to you for even putting this much thought into this. Those kids sound like they have a lot of love around them...they'll be fine either way I think
Atillah Moor Member since Sep 05th 2013 13825 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 05:50 AM
18. "If Dad says 'no' the two of you explaining why the answer is such" In response to Reply # 15
to the boy will show him that you respect his Dad even if you don't agree with him and I think that's ultimately more important. In a sense respect for the father is respect for the son. I also think it would help create a space where over time he can address whatever issues he has with his father's decision as he matures and gains more understanding. In the end the family unit as a whole will be stronger IMHO.
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Everything looks like Oprah kissing Harvey Weinstein these days
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79608 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 08:08 AM
22. "step dad told the kids to call his new wife Mom" In response to Reply # 18
only way it should be a problem is if he plays the marriage angle or Denny being white
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
Atillah Moor Member since Sep 05th 2013 13825 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 08:56 AM
29. "Yeah I got that, but folks can be complex/hypocritical " In response to Reply # 22
My personal feeling is be prepared for either outcome. Bio Dad may have a negative reply that is totally irrational, but I think allowing him to be so is better than trying to force change. The son will in time understand that his bio fathers's reaction (should it be irrationally negative) is based on emotions and feelings and I think Denny's role should be to help the child understand that aspect of it in regard to bio dad's overall human nature.
Like-- even a nickname like "Dpop" or something can help assuage any kind of negative outcome and still build that connection. Something that is just shared between you and him.
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Everything looks like Oprah kissing Harvey Weinstein these days
Atillah Moor Member since Sep 05th 2013 13825 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 11:56 AM
62. "That's why it's important that you talk to the son together " In response to Reply # 36
Even if it is passing the buck that's not your fault. You aren't the one with the problem, but at the same time it's ok i.e. natural for bio dad to have one-- justified or not. Allow his son to have an opportunity to understand that his dad has a problem with it for whatever reason and let his son grow, mature, and deal with his dad on that issue over/in time. This way you respect both father and son. That's the idea at least.
It's not about being right it's about dealing with it the right way with the wrong way being anything that creates unwarranted dischord in my opinion.
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Everything looks like Oprah kissing Harvey Weinstein these days
14. "RE: Stepchildren calling their stepparents mom/dad." In response to Reply # 0
As a former kid, let me break it down to you. Step mom or dad sounds evil thanks to fairy tales. So, I called my Other Mom, Mom. My Mommy didn't have a problem with it because we are very close and she knows she gave birth to me. And my parents got along so there was no real issue.
Talk to the Dad and let him know that it's not your preference, but you love his kids just like they were yours. You aren't trying to replace him because you know you couldn't, but you are in their lives and if they should call you dad, you won't correct them.
"We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents" - Bob Ross
"I'm wearing a MSU Tshirt because I went to MSU, you are wearing a UM Tshirt because you went to Walmart!" -unknown.
blkprinceMD05 Member since Nov 29th 2004 41323 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 05:32 AM
16. "are u and their mom married? U only been in there life for a year..." In response to Reply # 0
iirc correctly u have had several different girlfriends over the last few years (the Christian no sex one, the one who cheated or something to name a few) so who's to say this relationship will last. Dad is a big role and one that should be a lifetime commitment. They already have a dad in active in their life at that. I'd say if ur around 5 years from now then the kids can call u dad
prototype
stand ur ground, believe in urself, believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve
19. "I called my stepdad Pop" In response to Reply # 0
No one ever gave me permission or instructions on what to call my stepfather. I began by calling him by his first name, but over the years he became Pop, which is what my stepsiblings called him.
I don't think I would have had a problem calling him Dad. Actually, if I was referring to "my father" in conversation, it was my stepdad. I rarely used the word step- in referring to him or my brothers and sister.
23. "My son asked to call me if it was ok to call me "Dad"..." In response to Reply # 0
That's because his bio was nowhere around. The lil dude was about 4 or 5 when he asked. My response was that he could call me whatever he wanted as long as "motherfucker" wasn't one of them. He's now about to be 21 years old and has a relationship with his bio whom he does call "Dad". He just refers to me as "Pops" or by my name.
37. "Pulls hair out....." In response to Reply # 24
I've made that pretty clear no?
This has all been the kid's doing. In no way have I encouraged (or wanted) him to call me dad. In fact, we've indirectly discouraged it by dancing around it....not giving him permission on the numerous times he's dropped hints and the one time he's directly asked.
25. "It's good that you don't wanna force or even ask them to call you Dad" In response to Reply # 0
I feel that unless you're the bio parent, that title should be earned and bestowed by the kid(s)... so in your case, that's what's happening. If your girl has a good working relationship with her kid's father, SHE should talk to him about it, stressing that it's the kid that wants to call you that. Make sure it's known that you're not trying to take the place of him. If he's cool with it, I would still maybe settle on something else like "Pop".
41. "sorry my experience is not common, bro." In response to Reply # 35
but i happen to have 2 bio parents who i don't refer to as 'mom' or 'dad' and so yeah...i had a response to your comment that had nothing to do w/my being a lawyer.
my bad for not being 'normal'. i'll just keep it to myself next time.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79608 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 11:11 AM
45. "IKR... I knew he was special but damn..." In response to Reply # 35
those dude actually lives this shit
"Pass the big piece of chicken Earl...umma lawwwwya"
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
28. "Lots of good advice in here. I vote for an alternative to "dad"" In response to Reply # 0 Fri Aug-21-15 08:48 AM by Moonlit_Force
I doubt he'd feel as if he were being corrected/rejected by you (and his mother) allowing him to call you pops. I have to ask: how is it that your bond with him deeper than what you share with your daughter? Also, do they interact at all? How would she react to hearing this child calling you "dad" or "pops"?
39. "Already talked to my bio-daughter." In response to Reply # 28 Fri Aug-21-15 10:35 AM by denny
She doesnt' mind. But talking to her kinda fortified my initial position because she started talking about her step-father and said she doesn't see him as her 'real dad'. She sees him as a parental figure but not the same as her dad. That's what I've always believed to be healthiest. Perhaps not calling him 'dad' has always made that distinction clear in her mind.....
So yah. That just makes me feel like the status quo is healthiest. It makes me feel actively nauseaus to tell him he CAN'T call me dad....but maybe it's for the best. I just don't want to hurt his feelings or cause any feelings of rejection.
As far as the bonding goes.....I don't know. Everything just seems easier with him. We never went through any phase of hardship. He's a sensitive kid so I employ more encouragement tactics with him. He's the most humble, generous kid I've ever met. Example. When i take him grocery shopping with me I say "you can pick out one treat for yourself". He'll pick out a treat for his younger brother and say 'he was sad earlier today....maybe this will cheer him up'. Shit like that. I've never met a more selfless kid...so we have to encourage him to remember his own ego sometimes. There's alot of other kids that stay with me from time to time. I've never met a kid like him. He internalizes other people's problems which can kinda be a problem. He's the best, most considerate big brother in the world. He won't eat anything without sharing it with everybody else first....always puts other people ahead of himself. One of those 'his best strength might also be his worst weakness' type things.
40. "no, becasue you have a new relationship damn near every yr" In response to Reply # 0 Fri Aug-21-15 11:02 AM by rdhull
and no need to put children through such attachment if it isnt going to last
so at best you need to hold off on that dad name until you guys are more solid as a couple
>So I've been researching this and thought I'd make a post. >Here's the situation. > >My SO has three kids. 17, 8 and 4. I've been in their life >for a year now. Much love all around. The 8 year old has >been dropping hints about calling me dad for a couple months >now. LAst week...he straight up asked 'When can I start >calling you dad?' They're biological father is very much in >the younger kids' lives (he's estranged from the 17 year old). > I can tell by the effort he puts in to see them.....he's a >very loving father. I should add that my relationship with >the 8 year old is particularly close. We just hit it >off.....I love all the kids equally. But with him i have a >certain bond that's beyond even what I have with my >bio-daughter. My bio-daughter has a step-dad. I have to be >honest....I'd be hurt as shit if she called him dad but I'd >suck it up. She doesn't...she calls him by his first name. > >My belief has always been that as long as the bio parents are >in the kids lives.....there should be a distinction. The bio >parents are the mom and dad....the step-parents are called by >their first names (or nicknames). But this situation is kinda >pointing me in the other direction. > >The kids were directed to call their step-mom (the bio dad's >new SO) 'mom' when they first met. Something I kinda >disagreed with but my SO was okay with it. Because of that, >I'm worried that the 8 year old thinks that is what happens >with step-parents. So....if we were tell him that he's not >allowed to call me 'dad'....that might be a signifier of how i >feel about him. Or a signifier that we're not a 'real >family'. We can also expect the question 'If I call my >step-mom 'mom' than why can't I call denny 'dad'? I can tell >that his feelings will be hurt no matter what explanation we >make for not letting him call me dad. This whole thing would >be alot easier if it had never occured to him to call me dad. >I'd be fine with Denny. But it's not going away.....I'd be >honoured to be called Dad but it kinda goes against my >philosophy. > >I've done some research in chat forums and there doesn't seem >to be a clear consensus either way. My SO wants to allow for >him to call me dad. We've considered asking the bio dad how >he feels about it....but I'm not sure if we should. I mean, >what if he says no? We can't let him make that decision for >us anyways so why even involve him. In directing the kids to >call his SO 'Mom'...we kinda know where he stands anyways. > >So yah, it's weird because normally I would insist that the >boys call me 'denny'....but a part of me thinks I should adapt >that view because of the particular circumstances. There's a >whole lot of moving parts in this which can be considered if >the thread gets replies. > >Thoughts?
PoppaGeorge Member since Nov 07th 2004 10384 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 11:06 AM
42. "no, wait until they're married." In response to Reply # 40
---------------------------
"Where was the peace when we were getting shot? Where's the peace when we were getting laid out? Where is the peace when we are in the back of ambulances? Where is the peace then? They don't want to call for peace then.
44. "Denny aint getting married..he's a serial dater who craves parental atte..." In response to Reply # 42 Fri Aug-21-15 11:12 AM by rdhull
from children of broken homes etc
on some saviour/rescuer shit
> >--------------------------- > >"Where was the peace when we were getting shot? Where's the >peace when we were getting laid out? >Where is the peace when we are in the back of ambulances? >Where is the peace then? >They don't want to call for peace then.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
"Mom" and "Dad" is the title you get when you're married, not when you're dating, not when you're engaged. The day that marriage certificate is filed and you kiss the bride, that's when it's cool.
---------------------------
"Where was the peace when we were getting shot? Where's the peace when we were getting laid out? Where is the peace when we are in the back of ambulances? Where is the peace then? They don't want to call for peace then.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79608 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 11:23 AM
52. "they do shit different in the North" In response to Reply # 49 Fri Aug-21-15 11:24 AM by legsdiamond
cause that Shit makes no sense at all...
especially when bio dad is active.
once or twice when a woman I dated or was friends with had a baby and they said Daddy the mom shit that shit down.
These parents are way too progressive for my taste
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
63. "We've lived together for 6 months." In response to Reply # 49 Fri Aug-21-15 12:11 PM by denny
So there's that. And fpr the billionth time.....IT WAS THE CHILD'S INITIATIVE. WE CAN'T CONTROL THE CHILD'S THOUGHTS! Do you have to be a parent to understand this or something?
I'm not sure how useful this is turning out to be. lol. I suppose people are suggesting the child is wrong for bringing it up? Thats not useful.
So.....
Any comments like 'At least wait til you're married' or 'wait for 5 years'......these are presuming that I'm asking for when we should tell the kid to call me dad. It's NEVER okay to tell the kid to call me dad. And I don't particularly WANT the kid to call me dad. The kid is ASKING to call me dad. So it's not up to me 'to wait until marraige'. lol.
I'm trying to figure out if I should LET the kid call me dad. And if not....how to tell him he can't without crushing his feelings. This may be a more difficult question to answer and may be harder for y'all to moralize and grandstand about. Sorry about that.
66. "you cant tell the child that it would be inappropriate? just because it" In response to Reply # 63 Fri Aug-21-15 12:12 PM by rdhull
was the childs initiative?
who's the adult here?
with all the experience you have being the SO of other children, you cant make the educated decision here? one that is explained with sensitivity and appropriate to the child?
67. "I can." In response to Reply # 66 Fri Aug-21-15 12:17 PM by denny
I'm not certain how that will affect his particularly sensitive feelings. Well, that's not true. I know it will be crushing to him. i can tell by the frequency of the hints and his general personality. I don't think any explanation will stop him from feeling like it's a rejection. And i'd have to answer the question 'Why do i call my stepmother 'mom' but i can't call you dad?' What is a good response to that?
71. "are u serious?" In response to Reply # 67 Fri Aug-21-15 12:27 PM by rdhull
You cant explain in an appropriate fashion
you cant say that while whomever said it was ok for calling a step mom Mom, that you feel its inappropriate in YOUR situation due to those still involved in his life? And how your decision has no bearing on your feelings for him and how you are flattered/whatever on him even to have considered calling you that etc?
you cant do that?
the kid will fall apart to pieces?
sheesh...
man, stop dating single women with children and raise your own daughter..its not about you parents anymore finding mates even after youve had several releationships time and time again
so fucking selfish of you and not doing your kids any good
btw living together for 6 momnths aint shit...not to mention mad inappropriate...lol..the things you come up with
73. "He'll get over his feelings. They're more resilient than you believe. " In response to Reply # 67
>I'm not certain how that will affect his particularly >sensitive feelings. Well, that's not true. I know it will be >crushing to him. i can tell by the frequency of the hints and >his general personality. I don't think any explanation will >stop him from feeling like it's a rejection. And i'd have to >answer the question 'Why do i call my stepmother 'mom' but i >can't call you dad?' What is a good response to that?
And one day, he'll understand why you told him to not call you "Dad".
Furthermore, you don't have to answer the question about why he has to call his stepmother "mom". That's for his bio mom and bio dad to do. I'd gladly nudge and refer him to those folks whose DNA he shares. And honestly, bio dad sounds like a henpecked fool because or if he really told his kids they had to call his wife "Mom".
79. "Yah..." In response to Reply # 73 Fri Aug-21-15 01:37 PM by denny
And that might be the clincher for me. I feel like you have a better understanding of this than most. He's 8. He's not gonna feel better by any explanation. But I can take solace in the fact that he might when he's older.
So there's two scenarios....
1. He comes to me when he's older and says 'Why wouldn't you let me call you dad'. And then it's easy cause I can explain my belief that a stepparent shouldn't be called 'dad' unless the bio-parent is in jail, is a deadbeat, or is dead.
2. he comes to me when he's older and says 'Why did you let me call you dad?' And that's not easy.....cause an answer like 'well your biodad had you calling you stepmom 'mom' doesn't have the integrity that the first scenario has.
I'm probably over-complicating things. I should simply follow my beliefs. It'll pay off down the line. Gawwddd I'm not looking forward to this though. i can attempt an explanation but it's not gonna work. Like I said....I'll have to be mindful of really putting in the effort to reaffirm our relationship as much as i can after his feelings are hurt. But going against my beliefs just complicates things too much.
And I've further isolated exactly WHY it's gonna be so hard on him. He thinks this is the way it's supposed to be because of the way it is at his bio-dad's house. So im gonna need to show him that it's usually NOT this way. And I can use my bio-daughter as an example....and talk about how much she loves her stepdad....but that she has called him by his first name for ten years. And that's how it usually is. That might be borderline throwing the biodad under the bus.....but I don't really have a choice. I need to make sure he understands that it's perfectly normal for him NOT to call me dad.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79608 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 12:09 PM
65. "your SO and her kids father sound perferct for each other" In response to Reply # 58
running around canada telling their kids to call people mommy and daddy...
both of them sound a little special
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
76. "There's a big difference between" In response to Reply # 72
'telling the child to call me daddy' and allowing the child to call me daddy upon the child's initiative. It's a gigantic difference. In my belief, the former is NEVER right under any circumstances.
blkprinceMD05 Member since Nov 29th 2004 41323 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 01:40 PM
83. "Read what I wrote. I said allow. Not tell. And allowing is reckless as " In response to Reply # 76
Fuck too. In my opinion. Sometimes u need to have hard convos with children. "No don't call Denny daddy right now, maybe in the future." That shouldn't even be a convo u have to have. She's the child's parent. Ur another adult she has been dating for a year
prototype
stand ur ground, believe in urself, believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve
84. "Yah but I was responding to someone else to which you responded." In response to Reply # 83
If you read the order of responses....you were adding on as if to agree with what legsdiamond said. You're making a new point....which is a weird thing to do in the sequence of responses.
90. "you are being very defensive and why..." In response to Reply # 87
he's right, it does seem like you wanted confirmation. For what? none of us knows...unless you just like creating dramatic situations. I will give you my take...
1. it's inappropriate for that child to call you dad given the relative short time you have dated his mom even if you did live with them for the past 6 months. You two aren't married. 2. while the kid's wants and feelings can't be ignored, you cant' just give into children to make them happy. 3. if you don't feel comfortable, then say "at this time, let's just stick with denny and in the future, we can revisit this again." that way you leave it open for change if you decide in the future. 4. if he asks why just say "i think that's a title better reserved for your *real dad OR for people who are married, since your mom and I aren't married (yet?) then maybe we should hold off on that."
you can give this child lots of answers without hurting their feelings. even if they are a little hurt, guess what...he's a CHILD. This is truly not the big issue you are making it out to be. He can't call his mom's random boyfriend"dad". So what. buy him a video game and he will get over it. Chances are, he's only asking because of the standard set with his dad. but this issue is really not that big of a deal to mill over it so much.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79608 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 02:51 PM
93. "okp gonna okp bruh" In response to Reply # 87
you some type of sensitive womanizing pimp on here. all it means is you have good stories...lol. Maybe too good.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
95. "oh yah...." In response to Reply # 94 Fri Aug-21-15 03:23 PM by denny
apparently the 'easy solution' is to explain the complicated dynamics of step-parent relatioships to an 8 year old and then say 'I don't know....ASK THEM!' when he questions why things are different at our house than they are at his father's. He's fucking 8. Do you know any 8 year olds?
You don't have kids. You obviously can't grasp how complicated this is. i didn't even mention race in the OP. That's all in the responses. I don't even think race plays a role in this.
the fact is....there are a billion different perspectives on this. And it is not controversial to suggest that it can be damaging to the child to force them NOT to call a step-parent 'dad' or 'mom'. There is no established principal on this from child psychologists. Many of them (and you can google this if you want) claim that the child should call stepparents what they want without interference. Disallowing them from calling a stepfather who lives with them 'dad' can signify a lack of love and/or commitment to them (especially at the age of 8). This is not as clear as you think.....I know cause I've researched it. There's literally endless literature on this. But NOOOOOOO. Childless Rdhull says it's all very simple.
>apparently the 'easy solution' is to explain the complicated >dynamics of step-parent relatioships to an 8 year old and then >say 'I don't know....ASK THEM!' when he questions why things >are different at our house than they are at his father's. >He's fucking 8. Do you know any 8 year olds? > > >You don't have kids.
I dont? oh
You obviously can't grasp how >complicated this is. i didn't even mention race in the OP. >That's all in the responses. I don't even think race plays a >role in this. > >the fact is....there are a billion different perspectives on >this. And it is not controversial to suggest that it can be >damaging to the child to force them NOT to call a step-parent >'dad' or 'mom'. There is no established principal on this >from child psychologists. Many of them (and you can google >this if you want) claim that the child should call stepparents >what they want without interference. Disallowing them from >calling a stepfather who lives with them 'dad' can signify a >lack of love and/or commitment to them (especially at the age >of 8). This is not as clear as you think.....I know cause >I've researched it. There's literally endless literature on >this. But NOOOOOOO. Childless Rdhull says it's all very >simple.
dude, not more than 1.5 years ago you posted you just got done smoking crack
you are a mess and in my opinion with all of that plus your seemingly poor decision making and needing to ask strangers what to do in simple situations, a piss poor parent...Id be wary of you with children in my expert opinion.
98. "From "SmartStepfamilies":" In response to Reply # 97
This is the most common philosophy I see in all my research. A philosophy I will be going against.....and a philosophy that goes against what you consider to be the 'simple solution':
Adults must understand that the labels children use are not crucial to family success. What is important is that children are given the freedom to choose which labels are most comfortable. For example, don't force them to call a stepparent "mommy" but don't scold them for doing so either. Children need to be granted permission to use whatever term is most fitting (as long as it conveys a basic level of respect). Telling a child, “feel free to call me Sandra if you like” or “when you are at your mother’s house this weekend, it’s okay with me if you call your stepdad ‘Daddy Tom’—it doesn’t hurt my feelings” is a grace gift to children. It relieves them of worrying about your feelings and frees them to love.
101. "You said it's a simple solution." In response to Reply # 100 Fri Aug-21-15 04:10 PM by denny
Yet it flies in the face of the majority of child psychology literature. A conundrum that lead me to making the post in the first place. The majority of the literature states 'it should be what the child feels most comfortable with'. Something that my initial beliefs was at ends with.
96. "From 'smartstepfamilies":" In response to Reply # 94 Fri Aug-21-15 03:58 PM by denny
Adults must understand that the labels children use are not crucial to family success. What is important is that children are given the freedom to choose which labels are most comfortable. For example, don't force them to call a stepparent "mommy" but don't scold them for doing so either. Children need to be granted permission to use whatever term is most fitting (as long as it conveys a basic level of respect). Telling a child, “feel free to call me Sandra if you like” or “when you are at your mother’s house this weekend, it’s okay with me if you call your stepdad ‘Daddy Tom’—it doesn’t hurt my feelings” is a grace gift to children. It relieves them of worrying about your feelings and frees them to love.
this, smart-guy, is the most common philosophy espoused on every site I can find. I'll be going against this philosophy when I tell him to not call me dad.
99. "defense..deFENSE....DEFENSE clap/cheer" In response to Reply # 96
>Adults must understand that the labels children use are not >crucial to family success. What is important is that children >are given the freedom to choose which labels are most >comfortable. For example, don't force them to call a >stepparent "mommy" but don't scold them for doing so either. >Children need to be granted permission to use whatever term is >most fitting (as long as it conveys a basic level of respect). >Telling a child, “feel free to call me Sandra if you like” >or “when you are at your mother’s house this weekend, >it’s okay with me if you call your stepdad ‘Daddy >Tom’—it doesn’t hurt my feelings” is a grace gift to >children. It relieves them of worrying about your feelings and >frees them to love. > > >this, smart-guy, is the most common philosophy espoused on >every site I can find. I'll be going against this philosophy >when I tell him to not call me dad.
68. "sometimes i call my stepmom "mom"" In response to Reply # 0
....it's rare though.... once she introduced me to some people as her son and as soon as she walked away i quietly clarified that i was her "step" son...i felt like i was disrespecting my bio mom....
...on the flip, i don't think my step sis ever calls my dad "dad" and he raised her since she was 7....
"yes, sometimes my rhymes are sexist, but you lovely bitches and hos should know i'm tryin to correct it"- hiphopopotamus
I think maybe the right thing to do is bite the bullet is disallow him from calling me dad. Then spending as much time as I can over the next little while constantly trying to reaffirm our relationship in the interests of damage control.
it may be a long term/short term consideration. It's best that he doesn't call me 'dad' in the long term even though it may hurt him in the short term. It's tuff though
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79608 posts
Fri Aug-21-15 01:05 PM
77. "Damn bruh, you lost? " In response to Reply # 70
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
82. "Him calling you dad after 6 months is way inappropriate " In response to Reply # 0
Everything rdhull said is 100% correct. The chances that "you won't be around next year" (c) are too high and it will crush the kid way worse to have his "dad" up and disappear if this relationship implodes in grand Denny fashion. Kids want things that aren't good for them all the time. You have to do the correct thing and tell him no... otherwise you're just being selfish. Tell him care about him, so the two of you can always do the special and fun stuff together, whatever that is, but he only has one dad.
85. "I have never left a kid's life." In response to Reply # 82 Fri Aug-21-15 02:17 PM by denny
Never turned my back on any kid I've ever been involved with. Never have, never will so I don't know what you're talking about with this 'grand denny' fashion. i broke up with a church-goer two years ago. She didn't have kids. That's the only breakup I've ever talked about on here. I've been in 4 relationships my entire life. Never been a step-parent before lol. You ever break up with someone in 'grand Sarabellum' fashion?
88. "You seem like you really love kids in general" In response to Reply # 85
You don't seem like the type who would abandon someone's kids but shit happens. People move and not all relationships will end in a way that will make being around possible. At 6 months living together you're relationship is untested, who's to say what might happen. It's one thing for "mom and her boyfriend" to breakup... it's another thing for mom and "dad" to breakup to a kid. Both will hurt but the latter is devastating.
Also, you don't want the kid to get in the habit of thinking anyone his mom dates is his dad. That can fuck a kid up.
Who knows, this one might be the one and you and this kid might be together forever but that is yet to be determined. You need to give that a couple years before you become dad.
I know people only post snippets of their lives here, so we don't get the full picture but you seem to have ridiculous things happen in your relationships... Like they lack stability because the other person is a little crazy and you don't see it until you're way invested. You always try to do the compassionate thing though, maybe to a fault. ___________________________________________________________
91. "To get back on topic...." In response to Reply # 88 Fri Aug-21-15 02:52 PM by denny
I don't even think more time really justifies it. There is a biodad. He loves them. I think there's a function in distinguishing myself from him and one of those ways is for him to be 'dad' and me to be 'denny'....no matter how long I'm in their lives. \
I used that line you said 'Well sometimes the children can't decide what they call people. We wouldn't let him call his older sister 'mom'.' The response to that was that this is what he thinks SHOULD happened based on what happens at the biodad's house. But then it becomes a matter of teaching him that's not the only way it happens. And we can use my bio-daughter as an example. Her step-dad has been around close to 10 years....she's never called him dad. That might be the best way of disallowing him while trying to soften the blow. I'm thinking maybe we can even involve my bio-daughter (he loves the shit outta her) and have her explain her relationship to her step-dad. We can say 'that has worked good for everyone and that's how our family is gonna be'. It still sucks.
the line we've used so far is that 'you come from your biological father's body.....so you will always have one biological father'. That hasn't stopped him from asking to call me 'dad' though.
105. "RE: Stepchildren calling their stepparents mom/dad." In response to Reply # 0
Don't do that to these kids... Please. You've been in their life for a year or so who know's if things will go well in your relationship with their mother. If you guys part ways they'll really be confused. Just because their biological father made the mistake of having their child call the step mom "mom" doesn't mean you guys should make the same mistake. Go with your normal thoughts on this and have them call you your government name. You said it yourself if your child was to call the stepdad "dad" you would be crushed. How do you think this father will feel if he is actually a loving father?
I'm for truth no matter who tells it. I'm for justice no matter who it's for or against. - el Hajj Malik el Shabazz
106. "It would be easier if you were married to your S.O." In response to Reply # 0
Assuming you two are not married, but...
If you really feel uncomfortable being called dad by your S.O.'s 8year old, then why not sit down with the child and explain to the child why you preferred to be called by your name?
As for your S.O., she should be understanding and supportive of your feelings on the matter. I understand that people do not want to disappoint children, but children can learn to accept certain disappointments if explained to them in a way in which they can understand.
If I was in a similar situation, then I would not want to be called dad unless said child(ren) were infants and I helped raised them to the age that they are. Even then, I would let them decide whether to address me as dad or by my first name. I think what is more important is that they respect me as the man of the house as well as know that I love them like they were my own bio children.
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