yes, by "some people" i mean myself and others like me...

what is the actual *thing* that enables some ppl to have fulfilling romantic lives without even trying while others try and fail to do so repeatedly?

is it luck?

is it a matter of wanting something so bad you push it away?

is it a curse? like a generational curse?

genetics?

or is there any particular trait that you've noticed among the perpetually single and heartbroken?

which brings me to the Enneagram personality system. unfortunately, i happen to be a "2 - the helper, the giver" which is the most relationship-oriented of all the 9 types. my type can easily be taken for granted and maybe that's my issue.

(if you want to know your type, you can take a test here:
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/Tests_Battery.asp#FreeShortTests)

can i get some e-hugs? i'm in my feelings today.

fuck you.

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

here for dis.

billions of ppl on the planet.

2 similarly situated ppl likely won't find love at the same time or in the same way.

hell, i've looked at my friends who are coupled - none of them have done anything i haven't done and yet they've found relationships where i haven't. some of them found their significant other while we were together! we were literally in the same place doing the same thing. some of them have less education than i do. some make less money. some are in worse physical shape. i'm cuter than some of them. some of them are bigger assholes than i am. there is no rhyme or reason to why they have found love and made it work but i'm still single. it's about chance. there's nothing they've done that i haven't done.

THIS WOMAN HAS NO TORSO AND SHE'S FUCKING MARRIED. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/08/rosemary-siggins-mom-with_n_1864411.html

so there's nothing about me that needs fixing before i can be married. i'm not married b/c i haven't been lucky in that way. period.

fuck you.

I was never one to "look" for love and it sort of found me.

I don't mean to dismiss your very valid feelings but I don't have the answers SWAY.

Took that quiz

Type One: The Reformer
The Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic

Sometimes the best people you know have a hard time making it happen. And at the same time, the worst people you know have an endless supply of relationships. So it's not necessarily on you.

There are so many different factors that go into it. Luck, timing, location, looks, personality, money, mobility, etc.

Don't give up, though. Finding a good match can be worth all the ups & downs.

>what is the actual *thing* that enables some ppl to have
>fulfilling romantic lives without even trying while others try
>and fail to do so repeatedly?

what is a "fulfilling romantic life" and what is "without even trying"?

without trying is self-explanatory

trial and error until you find the right one, patience, fully accepting your partner's strengths and weaknesses when you do decide to make it something etc.

but yeah "without effort" is a huge fallacy. you see a couple smiling in pictures or never arguing publicly, that doesn't mean they aren't working hard at keeping it together

the most you can hope for is someone who loves/respects you and is willing to grow with you, because growth isn't easy at all

gotta accept that everyone loves differently and it's up to you to work with it or move on.

I'm talking about *finding* love. what you describe is maintaining it. to get to everything you described, both people have to make a choice.

you meet someone and over a few months you build towards love.

no one finds love and bottles it up at first site.

even if you do find someone who you think is the one you have no idea who they feel and asking them won't get you any closer to love.

Their actions will let you know how they truly feel.

im a grown woman. i know its not a matter of love just magically dropping into someone's lap.

love is a choice btwn two people. if you choose to love someone and they choose to love you too, you have FOUND love.

is the love you have for yourself reflected in another person
and that love should've already existed within you to begin with

here for dis.

I cant speak for you, but a lot of people are hung up on shallow and superficial things they're looking for

I (finally) chose someone with a good character over everything else and that worked in my favor

a lot of dating is folks making choices according to what they value at the time. people can get stuck in bad cycles because they either dont want to or dont know how to make better decisions

I look at this happily perpetually single epoch for myself as a time of upgrading.
Right now I'm improving myself and I hope that means the kinds of men I attract will also improve.

Thanks for linking up this test, also. I look forward to taking it since
all my personality tests turn out different now than from about 5 years ago.
The only one that's remained constant is the Meyers-Briggs result: INFJ for life.

and when it doesn't meet their expectations or they can't mold it to that image, things run off course. I think if you go in with the mindset that you've reached a place where you want to do whatever it takes soley to *enhance* a special someone's life and have that be reciprocated (or maybe not), instead of chasing an ideal, then all will come easier.

Streets won't let me chill.

and don't know exactly WHY

so... *hugs*

i feel you.

♥ Inescapably Me ♥

"Love is never any better than the lover" Toni Morrison (The Bluest Eye)

You can't force it, you can't rush it, you have to let it grow naturally.

I didn't look for it, hell.. I was over that shit after a rough break up.

Next thing you know I met the woman of my dreams. But this doesn't mean it was all rainbows and fairy tales. I didn't buy in early on and tried my best to fuck it up. Shit takes time and it isn't easy.

A lot of people run for the hills as soon as there is a bump in the road. I don't think anyone is really in love until they see go through a real struggle with their mate.

and it stuck with you even when you TRIED to fuck it up.

how fair is that?

what do you have that someone like me does not have? (besides a penis?)

>and it stuck with you even when you TRIED to fuck it up.

no, there was effort involved. I used to buy her necklaces, rings, etc from A Thousand Villages for no reason at all. I put in work. I fucked it up and had to put in WAAAY MORE WORK to get to where we are.
>
>how fair is that?

life isn't fair, but it's also what you make it. IMO Tinder and online dating is the DEVIL!!! It's like a 24 hour happy hour. How can you invest in someone when you can swipe left at 5AM, 5PM or when your date goes to the bathroom.
>
>what do you have that someone like me does not have? (besides
>a penis?)


1) CONFIDENCE
2) charm, make them laugh
3) light eyes.. them shits never let me down.

not trying to be funny either. I grew up in a house with 3 women so I knew how to talk to women and also knew there are times when you stfu and take the L even tho you are right.

>>IMO Tinder
>and online dating is the DEVIL!!! It's like a 24 hour happy
>hour. How can you invest in someone when you can swipe left at
>5AM, 5PM or when your date goes to the bathroom.
>>

it's not like some people weren't keeping their options open/one foot out the door in the past before the internet existed.

>it's not like some people weren't keeping their options
>open/one foot out the door in the past before the internet
>existed.


~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.

im 32 now
other than my senior year where we broke up for a year in college
its pure dumb luck
she was not my type
not black
not coke bottle shape
not from a similar background
but from the beginning she loved me and held me accountable that love was a great responsibility

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

I had a coworker ask me why dudes who love big asses don't marry women with big asses.

I told her I tried but the reason I didn't marry one is because I couldn't find one who would love me back.

i got a big ass/coke bottle shape.

i dont think its helping me.

she's always helping/giving. so much so that she'll lose her own priorities at times, but will feel bad about not doing something for someone else.

I think its a matter of being open. relationships can be uncomfortable, but a willingness to try new folks can lead to good times. open also refers to the newness that an SO will sometimes bring to the table. not to say accept anything, but stretching the limits of the type of folks you may tend to deal with can get you out of a rut.

Y'all buy those labels, I was born supreme

>stretching the limits of the type of folks you may tend to
>deal with can get you out of a rut.

^^ this can also get a person in a bad situation.

♥ Inescapably Me ♥

"Love is never any better than the lover" Toni Morrison (The Bluest Eye)

its definitely a high risk/reward situation.

Y'all buy those labels, I was born supreme

i usually dont date men with kids and its not turning out well.

all this is me. lmao
will take some time to read this more later.

hugs lady, we need to schedule a get together!!

Type One: The Reformer
The Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic

Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.

Type Five: The Investigator
The Intense, Cerebral Type: Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated

Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

Type Nine: The Peacemaker
The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent

Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually grounded, supportive, and often creative, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent and emotionally distant, simplifying problems and ignoring anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.

now go runtelldat, ho.

check out the relationship compatibility section.

every issue i'm having with my (ex?) guy is outlined.

yes we need to get together soon!

now go runtelldat, ho.

like the debilitating kind?

i mean, of course.

I have never had an issue finding a "relationship" per say, but I haven't found a man I could "live" with and be happy long enough to sustain a successful marriage.

My friends always say I can't be alone, or that I only want a relationship but if that were the case I'd still be with my exes!

Anyway, I wonder sometimes when I see "happy" couples, are they REALLY happy? What is she really dealing with? Is he really being faithful? I hate to say it but my past has done some damage on me...


So right now I'm single as I try to lose this bitterness I have. I still date but I'm trying to study this time around before I jump into my next romance...

Somebody's lying...

@Atruelady Twitter/ @Sweetesttaboos Instagram

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

not in a 'i give up' way but more in the sense that i work hard on myself and working harder on cultivating/maintaining relationships of all kinds and that's all i can do

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.

they got lucky. so far you haven't.

live on.

some ppl are going to end up alone, btw. it's just the nature of things. is that you? i dunno.

have a pity party when you feel down and try not to stay in it for too long. also, i'd stop asking these ppl for help. b/c they don't have any. and most of what they're talking about is about THEM, not you.

(btw, this reply is me talking to myself, however at least you and i are in a similar place. i have stopped asking my coupled friends for advice b/c it became clear none of them have done anything i haven't done and yet they're coupled and i'm single. plus i've reached the age where many of my coupled friends are now breaking up...lol)

i find Luther's 'Any Love' is particularly helpful b/c it starts all sad and melancholy but then ends in a hopeful tone:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hQwuZPnqm4

fuck you.

I don't know much except how I shouldn't be and what I don't like. I got lucky.

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

.

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

and that's OK.

fuck you.

being well adjusted enough to be with someone and finding someone well adjusted enough to be with you, that isnt luck

it's a series of daily complicated choices: this is the kind of person Im determined to be, this is the kind of person Im determined to be with

none of it is easy. like the health tips you offered the other day, very few people are in better shape than me because they're lucky

>being well adjusted enough to be with someone and finding
>someone well adjusted enough to be with you, that isnt luck

it is.

>it's a series of daily complicated choices: this is the kind
>of person Im determined to be, this is the kind of person Im
>determined to be with

plenty ppl do that and are still single. also, plenty ppl DON'T do that and are still coupled. to wit, my parents have been married for nearly 50 yrs. when they met and married he was a raging alcoholic - no where near figuring out who he wanted to be or wanted to be with. she was divorced and had a pre-teen daughter and was a certified holy roller. she hadn't figured herself out either and she was full of judgment that she levied on him at every opportunity. she was not well-adjusted. neither of them had their shit together.

we're about to celebrate 50 yrs of them being together.

meanwhile, his sister was a church-going nurse whose first and only marriage was to a factory worker who'd recently left the military. on paper they 'had their shit together' - in reality he was an alcoholic and she was suffering from bipolar disorder and hadn't been diagnosed, let alone treated. also each of them had rage and violence issues. they divorced after about 20 yrs together - during which time they beat each other and their children and traded infidelities.

>none of it is easy. like the health tips you offered the other
>day, very few people are in better shape than me because
>they're lucky

like health tips - some ppl are 100% adherent to all the perfect health advice and still end up w/terminal cancer. or some other terminal illness. genetics - aka luck. environmental factors - aka luck. also, some of those ppl who are 100% adherent will die 'young' or suffer severe injuries - plane crash, auto accident, lightning strike, hit by bus, caught in gang warfare, terrorist attacks, et al. again - luck.

fuck you.

i dont think this post's definition of finding love was unhealthy people just sticking together

I can say Im lucky to have someone with my partner's qualities, but I dont think luck had a lot to do with us growing to care for each other

it could also be different because Im living it and not on the outside looking in. trust fund/born into wealth kids aside, I dont think people with more money than me are luckier. especially not if they worked for it

>I can say Im lucky to have someone with my partner's
>qualities

right.

, but I dont think luck had a lot to do with us
>growing to care for each other

keep living.

>it could also be different because Im living it and not on the
>outside looking in. trust fund/born into wealth kids aside, I
>dont think people with more money than me are luckier.
>especially not if they worked for it

lol

good for you that you 'worked for it' but all that work likely isn't the main reason you found someone to marry. b/c a guy in your same position could do all the things you did and not find a wife at all or not find one as well-suited for him as the wife you found for yourself. that's my point. it's luck.

Nika hasn't been as lucky as you. she shouldn't spend too much time wringing her hands trying to figure out where the road turned and why she's single and others like you aren't. b/c there's most likely nothing she can do differently that will guarantee she'll find a mate. there are women out there who are less adjusted and less __ than Nika who still have happy relationships. why? LUCK. it boils down to that, IMO. so there's not much point worrying about it.

fuck you.

about being in a relationship/married.

good for you and all the work you've had to do to get to where you're at, but as I've said in other posts, just because you've succeeded does not mean youre better or have worked harder than those who have failed.

but you know, i'd probably be the same way, lol.

I dont make posts about it. Im not a braggart and Im pretty uncomfortable with the idea of flaunting anything in anyone's face. I just contribute my perspective to conversations here the way everyone else is.

I definitely dont act like marriage makes me happier than anyone else. If anything marriage has taught me, I still have to work to be happy within myself


>good for you and all the work you've had to do to get to where
>you're at, but as I've said in other posts, just because
>you've succeeded does not mean youre better or have worked
>harder than those who have failed.

I definitely dont think Im better and I wouldnt know how much harder I've worked than anyone who has failed. my only point about work was it's much more of that than luck, hope, patience and sitting around wondering "why not me?"

but catch us on a bad day and you will never want to be married. LOL

I'm definitely describing love that hopefully will last forever but if we divorced in 5 years it would still apply.

Her post is about finding someone to love and them loving you back. I didn't take it to mean love you forever or it doesn't count.

Mostly luck.

fuck you.

Fuck your fort!

That's different than love. I've had some stable relationships and also some unstable ones. All of them except the one I'm in has ended.

The real questions becomes do live for the opportunity for love or do you try to develop it with what you have.

I could've definitely grown/learned to appreciate and have love for some others; but I was both lucky and unlucky enough to not have that happen. I was willing to settle of a person didn't treat me like shit and hit enough of the check boxes to be enjoyable.

So I feel like in the end that love bucket, the one that people commonly refer to, that's the luck. And it's ok admitting the luck. Not talking about our grand daddies and then staying married forever because they grew to like/love/understand their partner. More so that Me & Mrs Jonesesque spark.

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

being well adjusted enough to be with someone

finding someone well adjusted enough to be with you

how are those keys to having a stable relationship? from ground zero you have to really be ready and find someone who is just as ready

meeting people is easy if you're semi-social, you're eventually going to meet someone you could romantically link up with. but it's a matter of timing and preparation

luck is something that rarely happens. people become boyfriend and girlfriend every day, husband and wife multiple weekends throughout the year

The best of luck.

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

it's more luck than people wanna admit.

------------------------------

50+ FREE Mixes on www.DJR-Tistic.com!

Twitter and Instagram - @DJ_RTistic

and makes those still looking feel defective

we don't like to think of anything as random

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

And we know that being single is not necessarily indicative of any personal deficiency considering the large number of ppl who are in relationships who have any number of personal deficiencies. It's all over the place bc - luck.

fuck you.

>And we know that being single is not necessarily indicative
>of any personal deficiency considering the large number of ppl
>who are in relationships who have any number of personal
>deficiencies.

i know single people who have their lives together way more than me, but I dont know if they were as preoccupied (or even pressed) to figure out this one part of life the way I was

you just answered the question.

Being in shape is always the main thing folks go for, and this can definitely work to help folks get initial attraction. I even wonder how much folks are motivated to get higher education, or to earn promotions at work solely to become more attractive to the opposite sex...especially for men.

Even personality wise, I wonder how hard folks aim to make changes. It feels like some adjustments can be made...patience, or not being as demanding. But most things are set in stone for us

------------------------------

50+ FREE Mixes on www.DJR-Tistic.com!

Twitter and Instagram - @DJ_RTistic

My ability to get more work and better pay based on my problem solving and analysis skills means NOTHING when I get home.

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

>Being in shape is always the main thing folks go for, and
>this can definitely work to help folks get initial attraction.

There are plenty ppl in worse physical shape than Nika who have found what she's looking for.

>I even wonder how much folks are motivated to get higher
>education, or to earn promotions at work solely to become more
>attractive to the opposite sex...especially for men.

Plenty folks with grade school educations have found love.

>Even personality wise, I wonder how hard folks aim to make
>changes. It feels like some adjustments can be
>made...patience, or not being as demanding. But most things
>are set in stone for us

Sure but there are awful ppl with terrible personalities who have found love.

fuck you.