WIN: Kyrie Irving, duh. Good performance. Box office forecast of 15-17 million this weekend. Huge brand victory.

LOSS: Kevin Durant. Uncle Drew made more in Thursday night previews than Thunderstruck made its entire run.

WIN: Chris Webber. Astonishingly good actor. Good chemistry with everyone. Excellent wig. Makes the self-deprecating "time out" joke.

LOSS: Jalen Rose. He's gonna toss his popcorn at the screen and storm out once he realizes Webber's good in this.

WIN: Shaquille O'Neal. Sharp comic relief. Break dances. Shows his ass for a laugh. Best Shaq big screen performance since his classic scene in Good Burger: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iShufdM1lFM

LOSS: Kobe Bryant. When Shaq and Drew are fighting and Drew doesn't pass, Shaq drops a "Pass the ball, Kobe!" zinger in there. Huge laugh from the audience.

WIN: Aaron Gordon. Plays the douchebag villain player. Perfect face for it. Convincing and natural on the screen.

LOSS: Aaron Gordon fan expectations. This dude is raining down wet 3-point jumpers in this movie. It's the best special effect on the screen. Fans are gonna be mad when his form doesn't look like that on whichever team he plays for next year.

WIN: Women's basketball. Not only is Lisa Leslie good and funny in this, and not only is she heavily featured in the finale, but there's also a sequence mid-film in which a two-time HS state champion girl's team beats the shit out of Uncle Drew and the gang. They had a high school girl out there elbowing Shaq and taking him to the rim. Women ball too, my dudes.

LOSS: John Calipari. He tries to recruit Uncle Drew at the end, and Drew tells him, "I'm more of a Blue Devil myself." I'll give Cal a reduced L here for being a good sport, but if I'm K and I'm in a recruiting battle, I close my pitch by playing that scene, then flashing Uncle Drew's box office numbers. Or I close with a shot of my hand with a championship ring on each finger. Or with his three Olympic gold medals. He's got options.

WIN: Nick Kroll. He's the go-to comedic villainous asshole nowadays. King of the Dickhead One-Liner.

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