Alex Smith All Stars (rzaroch36) 132.2
THE RUNNAWAY SLAVES (Bison Class of 97) 72.87

In the Lubeless Buttfucking of the Week, rzaroch destroyed Bison and laid waste his kingdom. When your fucking DB outscores every other player on your opponent's squad, you're in for a good week. Cordarelle Patterson led the way, but the ASAS got some help from Drew Brees, Brandon Marshall and Knowshon Moreno. Bison had a bunch of dudes who, again, had fewer points than Eric Berry (Very Scary.)

Minnesota Goodells (Marauder21) 105.43
NOT 'GATED! (thejerseytornado) 86.43

So there I was, facing an insurmountable 8 point deficit heading into Monday's games. All was lost, my week was ruined. Is this how the rest of my life is going to be? Just an endless cycle of waking up on Monday thru Friday. Spending the week at a desk, trying to avoid the inevitable despair that comes with the territory. Where have the last five years gone? And when the next five years go on, will I even care? I'm gradually growing numb to it all, but maybe this is maturity. Life. BUT NO, I had Megatron, he didn't, I win! ONE AND OH, BABY, BIG SANDWICH!

Harbor City All-Star (Warren Coolidge) 109.27
Bortles and James (John Forte) 95.68
FYI, Bortles and James is my favorite name in this league. Kind of a close one here. Harbor City had to like their chances after Julius Thomas went off on Sunday night, on top of strong openers from Russel Wilson and Jeremy Maclin. But B&J saw Matt Stafford's Monday night numbers close the gap. Unfortunately for him, it was too little, too late.

Free Sade Ringtones (ChampAreno) 122.73
Long Island Jews (KosherSam) 89.9

Take your pick for FSR's MVP. Andrew Luck had his highest point total. But Rashad Jennings and DeMarco Murray were the best 1-2 RB punch in the league this week. And AJ Green was AJ Green. LI had Vernon Davis and not much else. I'm not going to make a Jewish joke here. Nope.

Vontaze Me Bro! (Thrillhouse) 119.30
Staff Infection (Ceej) 105.13

VMB must have thought this week could only get better after Marshawn Lynch's Thursday. He wouldn't have anyone equal Beast Mode's numbers, but Kaee, Gronk and Em(manuel Sanders) helped stave off an effort from Ceej. The VARSITY newcomer gets the distinction of being "The Guy who Started Matt Ryan During his Best Week Ever and Lost." But it's only because the rest of his team was so bad.

ValenciaFlyEaglesFly (LA2Philly) 98.77
Thank God It Snowed (grandmasterfletch) 90.95

The tightest game of the week was also the lowest scoring. Thanks to Percy Harvin for TGIS and Randall Cobb and Eddie Lacy for Valencia, these two were nearly deadlocked after Thursday. But then Le'Veon Bell went off, and Fletch had to like his chances. Alas, Peyton Manning came through and crushed the buildings, carrying Valencia to the W.

STANDINGS
1. Alex Smith All Stars 1-0-0
2. Free Sade Ringtones 1-0-0
3. Vontaze Me Bro! 1-0-0
4. Harbor City All-Star 1-0-0
5. Minnesota Goodells 1-0-0
6. ValenciaFlyEaglesFly 1-0-0
7. Staff Infection 0-1-0
8. Bortles and James 0-1-0
9. Thank God It Snowed 0-1-0
10. Long Island Jews 0-1-0
11. NOT 'GATED! 0-1-0
12. THE RUNNAWAY SLAVES 0-1-0

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12 play and 12 planets are enlighten for all the Aliens to Party and free those on the Sex Planet-maxxx

XBL: trkc21
Twitter: @tyrcasey