how I'm feeling right about this second: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1moGYiW9hd8


4 years ago my aunt died. She has a son who's been rudderless as fuck. He moved in with his pops and brothers. Hes the baby in the group and for his whole life they've been physically/mentally/emotionally abusive to him.

That summer, I paid for a plane ticket for him to come through to visit me for two weeks. We kicked it and I realized something was kinda off. He was definitely living in his trauma.

For years hes been that family member that can't get it together and is always asking for money. I was over giving him money, I was willing to kick some strategy with him though. Don't learn from your mistakes, learn from my mistakes.

Later that year I gifted him a laptop so he can look for a job and just be able to exist as a damn human being in the world. Getting a laptop changed my entire reality, it put me on the map and lead to a lot of positive life changing stuff.

We also talked about getting therapy so I found a therapist in his town to start talking through his troubles. I even paid for it out of pocket. I said "if you change your mind LET ME KNOW ASAP BECAUSE I AM PAYING OUT OF POCKET". Of course I got burned, he went once or twice if that and then stopped going and didn't tell me. I had to call the place and when they went down the line I realized it had been some weeks since he last went.

3 years ago - hes still asking me for money at this point, and my answer has been "nah"

2.5 years ago - hes still asking me for money at this point, and my answer has been "nawl"

2 years ago - hes still asking me for money at this point, and my answer has been "nope!"

last month he hit me up asking me for my money, my answer was "Hell to the nawl nawl...I'm not in the position, but, asking respectfully here...why are you always in a position of need? Is it a lack of funds or a lack of budgeting? I can help you create a plan"

When he first visited 4 years ago I tried to kick game on finding a job, finding a better job, how much money is needed to be able to move out, how much money he just needs in general. All throughout all those conversations he would just shut down or say "you don't get it bro" - meanwhile, I'm thinking, "no man, YOU don't get it. It's about to be cold as fuck for you. You aint got no moma, your pops aint it and you have exhausted nearly all favors throughout all the years of nickle and diming folks to death by way of taking and taking and taking and taking but then acting like an asshole when someone wants to offer help and you only hit us up when you need dough."

This. Negro's. Response. Has. Me. Heated. As. Shit.

Essentially it's "you didn't save me from my abusive home, so you can't really say shit. I'm not stupid, I can add numbers, also, you kinda dumb for not understanding how fucked up my life is"

28 year old man.

28 year old man still blaming all of his problems on external shit.

He's burnt so many bridges.

I know its the trauma talking but its becoming so goddamned hard to ride for someone that can't unravel.

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https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me