The whole process of caring for my father for 11 days (he was there 15), while he was in the ICU, was a privilege and an honor. I stayed 9 nights and took two off so that my father's girlfriend and my brother could give me a break and spend some overnight time themselves. Putting lotion on his body, combing his hair, putting his sock and shoes on and putting deodorant under his arms while he lay there helpless was a blessing.

Being with my father during the late night emergencies, signing all the paperwork, approving surgeries, meeting with the medical teams, various doctors, Hospital Caseworkers, VA reps, and having to tell my dad that I had to authorize multiple a DNRs (In hospital, for the hospice, and for Ambulance drivers to the hospice), comforting family, his friends, and various teary eyed medical staff over the time I was there had given me a greater perspective and appreciation for life, sacrifice, responsibility, and love.

Then having the painful struggle of being by his side as he died after only being in Hospice for about 35 minutes has changed me forever. Watching my father take his last few breaths and looking into his enlarged pupils, holding his head in my hands is more than I thought I'd ever have to experience. But The Lord was with me - even as i cried out in fear and pain.

Now, over the past week, I have been managing all of the formal business paperwork (even getting and making calls today), cleaning out his Apartment, planning the funeral service, and getting ready to perform/preach the Eulogy on Saturday.

Fam I am tired, I have driven 5.5 hrs each way to Panama City Florida e times in 3 weeks and will be doing it again this weekend.

I have yet to have time to fully just be still without interruption or having some task or to do list running rampant in my head. I have not slept more than 4 to 5 hours uninterrupted. Having to fight the second-guessing going on in my mind is a real thing. Having to fight the anger of feeling like my father knew that he had Cancer - probably last year but didn't tell anyone is even more frustrating, because he cheated us out of his life while he when full into the depths of his own agenda without giving a damn. Maybe he was sacred, and maybe he was in denial.

Nevertheless, he was loved by many for his charm, classic gentleman stature, friendliness, and singing ability. He was a man's man and a cool dude that people respected as soon as he walked in the room. I'm just sad that the last time I saw him walk was out an ICU door for physical therapy and that was hindered by the fact that I had to huddle up with a few medical personnel about some paperwork and need.

I love the complicated man that was my father, and I'll live on the mystery of his legend and my own versions of grand history. To hell with the bad, I'm going to celebrate the good and by the power of the Holy Spirit preach one of my best sermons ever.








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Current Favorite Song: https://youtu.be/8v_KFHnPImY

"I cannot see how nature could have created itself. Only a supernatural force that is outside of space and time could have done that. ~ Francis Collins