I'm turning 40 this year
and it's starting to hit me like oh shit, 40
I have a less than zero relationship with my dad
he broke out when I was less than a year old
remarried, made a whole new life and I just didn't exist to him

so all my life I heard my mom's side of the story:
they met at work, he was dealing with a chick (the one he married after my mom)
so they break up, he gets with my mom, they get married, I'm born, he bounces
he married the chick he was originally with and they're married to this day

I have a half sister who was born 2 years after me and a half brother 6 years later
I knew they existed, but never met them until I was 33
my dad, I've only seen him twice in my entire life
once when I was 12 and then 33
I've never heard his side of the story

I hated him growing up, or rather, the idea of him since I didn't know him
mom always said the door was always open, she never bad mouthed him, never said one bad word about him
When I met him the first time the only question I had was WTF?
he said "when you're older you'll understand"
the second and last time, was a big family gathering so wasn't the place or time to talk like that

Well now I'm older and kinda sorta understand
as a kid with a single mom she becomes everything
you remember that scene in Malcolm X when he breaks the whiskey bottle over dude's head?
that's how I felt growing up

But being in good and shitty relationships over the years
I've seen and experienced how some women can break your spirit if you let them
and of course the inverse, dudes (me) fucking up perfectly great relationships over immaturity and bullshit

Like I said, I idolized my mom
but now I'm starting to think he broke out cuz he couldn't deal with her shit anymore
"no matter how fine she is, some dude somewhere is sick of her shit" (c)

I'm trying to put his casual abandonment of me in perspective
I always swore I would never ever do that to my seed
I don't have kids, but I know that's one line I'll never cross
When relationships and marriages don't work out
it's the kids that pay the price